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Toxic Parents? Let it go

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  • June 18, 2016 at 4:59 pm #107610
    Asia288
    Participant

    I was born and grew up in Eastern Europe, but before I share my story, which I feel an urge to share, I would like to apologise if anyone get offended by my level of English. I am working on it, I know…it is not perfect, but hopefully someone will be able to understand me and help me. I am 28, currently studying. This year at the university was really tough, lots of assignments, part time job, exams and placement search. I struggled with everything I possibly could struggle with and when I struggle my mind recall people’s opinions on me from the past, including my parents’ opinions, and these were hardly ever good. Every word that once wounded me was wounding me again. I recognised now that it happens to me when I feel down, this puts me down even more, makes me feel depressed and sucks the energy out of me so that the simplest tasks become real challenges. There is so much of it I don’t know where to start so it makes sense…I think I never caused many problems to my parents, always very quiet, obedient, responsible, and mature. I have two younger sisters. I have always helped with daily chores and I did it will pleasure because I was praised for that, in fact I was not praised for many things. Family was very important to me and I always put my responsibilities at home first, before my own interests and studies. There was a lot expected of me, since I was the eldest daughter, and I was often compared to other kids as well as my sisters. My younger sister was getting better grades than me, she used to call me ‘fat’ and was quite hostile to me since young age. My mum told me once that if she would have a choice she would never have me but she would like another daughter like my sister instead. I was older yes, but very sensitive. In fact I was fat and I was laughed at and bullied at school for years. My parents did many times pointed out that I am big. When I was 16 I started starving myself and I managed to lose some weight. Nobody said anything until I put it back on, I was then told that I already looked better and now again I am fat. At school I did alright, I was very good at subjects that interest me but just ok at those which I didn’t like. I remember the time my dad started to hint me that I am stupid, that I should ‘start to think’. I wanted to go to the university because my parents told me to do so, but when I decided I am going to do tourism, they said they are not going to support me in any way, because there is no future for me in Tourism. At that time they moved abroad and I stayed in my family home which would be impossible for me to pay all the bills etc. I have chosen different degree and I quit it after few months because I hated it. I then worked for a bit and in the end, end up moving to UK to my parents. ‘You have wasted so much of your time’, ‘I know now I can’t trust you and count on you in the future’ said my dad. During Christmas dinner he wished me to ‘start thinking’. Once I overheard my mum talking over the phone ‘Ahh yes A. is doing well at university, K. is at school and J., J… I don’t know what she is doing’. J. was me, only working full time, doing something I hated, something I could not see myself doing for the rest of my life. Lost. ‘We won’t be able to support you if you go to university now, your sister costs us too much already’ said my mum. Making me feel useless, pointing out all my flaws… I moved out, on the way out I heard from my father that if I move out he does not have a daughter anymore…I thought well you never talked to me, never said ‘I love you’, in fact make me uncomfortable saying that to anyone I loved. Then I went to college to do access course in order to go to the university, I was working and paying my own bills, never asked them for help. Only once I asked my mum over the phone in case I need any money whether they would be able to help me out and my dad’s reply was: ‘Of course we will support you, you have wasted so much time now, this is the last moment for you to do something with your life, we will support you…’’. I know it may not sound bad, they were not alcoholics, they didn’t beat me, they just only put me down constantly and didn’t treat me and my sisters equal… but today I am fat, 28 years old who feel like I have wasted my life because I am already 28 old and even though I worked hard to be where I am today, I feel worth nothing, I can do nothing and I don’t believe in myself, I am insecure. I constantly compare myself to others and from time to time I feel unable to talk to my parents. My mum said that I should stop blaming her for my life, I am not but sometimes I just can’t physically make myself to talk to them. It is not about blaming, I would like to let go, stop thinking about it. I don’t know what to do with it. It has been in my head all my life. What should I do? I don’t want to talk to my parents, they never understood me. I would like to write down a letter with all of it they said to me so that they can see for themselves, they can have it now, I don’t want it anymore, and I want to move on. What should I do?

    June 18, 2016 at 7:40 pm #107620
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear asia288:

    Yes, your parents are and have been toxic, destructive to you, hurting you repeatedly throughout the decades of your life. I am so sorry this has been the reality of your life so far.

    You wrote that you want to move on: do you mean forgive and forget and continue being harmed by your parents?

    You mentioned writing them a letter “so that they can see for themselves”- they will not see. You were in front of them for 28 years, yearning for their approval and love and they didn’t see it or care. When you were a child, you looked up to them with those wide, sad eyes, in that little innocent face, wanting nothing from them but their love. They didn’t see those eyes, they didn’t see that face, they didn’t see how much you loved and needed them. And so they will see nothing in a paper, a letter you give them.

    Trying to get them to understand you is like trying to get water out of a rock. As hard and as long as you try, it will not happen, and that is a waste of time.

    You learned to be independent in some ways, paying your own bills- use these skills and move far away from your parents and family. It is time for you to take on your life on your own.

    Moving on would be moving away and leaving them behind. And then, slowly leaving behind their legacy in your brain, the false beliefs they instilled in you about who you are.

    Hope to read your reply to my post to you, soon. Take care!

    anita

    June 19, 2016 at 2:46 am #107634
    Asia288
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Thank you for your reply. I was really looking forward to it.

    By saying ‘I want to move on’ I meant I would like to stop thinking about it, these words are coming back to me often, limiting me, slowing me down or even stopping completely. Since I was 16 I had suicidal thoughts, I have been experiencing mood fluctuations through my adult life. I feel constant regret of not being smarter, not doing more, not being able to care for myself better, for not knowing and be more self-aware when I was younger. I don’t think I can forgive, I don’t know how to do it, but I want to forget and stop being hurt.

    7 years ago I packed up and moved down to a different part of the country, far enough to not to see them too often. Since then I was independent, in relationship, but they still treat me like a child. They have always been overprotective and know everything better, they are there to say ‘we told you, you never listen’, ‘We were right’.

    Few weeks ago I had this conversation with my mum, I felt down and complained to her about how tough my life had recently been, and she said that I should stop doubting in myself…something in me snapped and I hinted why I may feel that way. Her response was that she doesn’t understand what I want from her, why I blame her for life decisions I made, that there is something wrong with me and I should go to see psychologist for some sort of therapy. I felt it is time to move on, not only physically but also mentally. I ignored her for couple of weeks as I felt unable to talk with her. You should know that I tend to avoid people if they hurt me, not see them at all, kick them out of my life completely, because it is hard for me to forgive and I feel physical pain when I even think about seeing them again. I have been blessed with boyfriend who loves me unconditionally and couple of true friends, who understand me and know me better than my sisters and who are there for me always no matter what, ready to listen about my miserable life. Now I don’t know what to do because my mum was trying to contact me and I sent her a message asking her to stop messaging me and calling because I don’t want to talk with her and don’t I have energy for that at the moment. In short, she replied something about me being silly and blaming her for decisions I have made in my life again.

    You are right about living them behind and I feel better not talking with them, but I can’t ignore them forever. I am independent, hardworking, I achieved a lot in the past few years, graduated with very good grades from the college and now doing well at the university. I recently was offered an excellent placement opportunity. Still I feel it all is nothing, feel I have no skill and nothing to offer. This is why I would like to stop thinking about the past, it takes so much of my energy that I don’t have enough of it to be productive in the present and the future. I often find myself miserable and feel old.
    I don’t blame my parents as I know it serves me nothing. I understand my parents’ childhood was not better than mine and they mimic their own parents. My mum once said to me that she doesn’t consider her mother to be a good mum, her dad was alcoholic, I see that she still is afraid of him and he stresses her out. I don’t want to be in the same place as her, but I am. My dad feels grudge to his mother for not treating him equally with his siblings. They both have siblings they don’t speak to at all and I had this relationship with my middle sister for years, which I am blamed for by my parents as well. I was nagged by my mum to change it. I did try few years ago to change it and I forgave my sister and then she again showed me how disrespectful to me she can be. I felt bad about not speaking to my younger sister for years and I got used to overthink it. One day I thought that even if she would be in my life again I would not be able to trust her so what is the point of her being in my life? This little thought made me feel better and helped me to move on, in the past I envied her life because she was doing better than me, traveled more than me and graduated from the university earlier than me, now my mind is slowly begin to not to care anymore. I still envy but other people’s lifes, their families, their looks, opportunities they had.

    I am sorry for this post being that long again, but I felt need to share, to record it, to let someone’s wise eyes read my story. You said that the letter will not change it, they will not understand. Getting to them is a useless effort. What else do you think I can do to help myself? Would a therapy/ visit to psychologist really help? I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want pity. I am just refusing to drink this poison for my own good. The fact I am writing this here is a big step for me. I have started reading articles on Tiny Buddha and they help me in my self-improvement journey which is now exciting rather than painful.

    Kind Regards.

    June 19, 2016 at 4:09 am #107636
    Iphoenix
    Participant

    Dear asia 288,

    My heart goes out to you as I know only too well just what you are experiencing. I have a toxic mother and I have let her control my entire life even though I finally cut contact with her 6 years ago.

    Anita is right when she says that your parents will not hear you, anything that you have to say, what you feel is wrong in their treatment of you is irrelevant to them. You are not important to them other than what you can do for them.

    My own experiences keep coming alive to haunt me virtually on a daily basis and today something has really hit home, I need to forgive my mother so I can start living my own life. When you can visualise (and I know you do) what your parents have gone through in their own lives, and see their own suffering it will help you understand the pain in their own lives. There is only one way for you to go and that is to find it in your heart to forgive them. That does not mean accepting they were right because their behaviour was horrible but they will forever remain exactly where they are in this life but you can go forwards and live a happy life.

    Do not live each day thinking of yourself as inferior to anyone else, believe me you are special as you will not continue this cycle of abuse when the times comes to have your own children. Anyone who can break the cycle of abuse they were born into have a higher spiritual gift and once they overcome the negative self-loathing that was created in them they are unstoppable.

    So please forget all the negative feelings you have of yourself, really work hard on forgiving them and setting yourself free of their burdens and creating your own wonderful life.

    You asked if therapy would help and in my own experience, given the right therapist that you feel you can trust, it is a fantastic help.

    I would also recommend reading “The Road Less Travelled” by M Scott Peck it gave me the insight to forgive my brother who also treated me badly. Today is the day when I shall be praying to find the forgiveness I need to let me escape from the clutches of my mother.

    Wishing you a beautiful and happy life.

    June 19, 2016 at 7:37 am #107648
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear asia288:

    In your post to me you wrote: “7 years ago I packed up and moved down to a different part of the country, far enough to not to see them too often. Since then I was independent, in relationship, but they still treat me like a child.” You moved away but were still in contact with them. My suggestion is that you move away and NOT be in any contact with them.

    You wrote: ” these words are coming back to me often, limiting me, slowing me down or even stopping completely” These words your brain produces are the words your parents told you, now they are playing automatically in your brain. This is what I meant by the legacy of their abuse of you. After you move away having no contact with your parents, you will still need to heal from the legacy of their abuse of you, that is, the damage to you that they caused.

    You wrote about your parents: ” They have always been overprotective” – they did not protect you from themselves, did they? And they have always been a source of danger to you.

    You wrote about your mother: “Her response was that she doesn’t understand what I want from her, why I blame her for life decisions I made, that there is something wrong with me and I should go to see psychologist for some sort of therapy.” I understand what you want from your mother: you want her to love you. You blame her because she is guilty for abusing you, damaging you and in so doing affecting your ability to make good decisions in life. A human mother is not like a reptilian mother whose job is to lay an egg and be gone. and yes, I agree with her that you need therapy, after you cut all contact with her.

    You wrote: “You are right about living them behind and I feel better not talking with them, but I can’t ignore them forever.” See, it does feel better to remove the source of abuse in your life. And yes, you can, oh, yes you can ignore them for the rest of your life. Of course you can. It feels difficult, almost impossible but in reality, it is very doable. I did it and many adult children have done it successfully. You can do it too.

    You wrote: “I would like to stop thinking about the past”- for that purpose, cut contact with your parents. As long as you are in contact, not only will they remind you of the past, but the past keeps being the present.

    You wrote: “I don’t blame my parents as I know it serves me nothing” It would serve you well if you really, really believed that they abused you and keep abusing you. If you blamed them for abusing you and believed you have been their victim all these years, why then.. you would be very open to cut contact with your abusers.

    You wrote: “I understand my parents’ childhood was not better than mine and they mimic their own parents” Do you mean that your children should say the same about you if and when you are a parent? Do you expect to abuse your own children because it is .. okay to mimic your parents’ abusive behavior?

    Regarding mimicking: your sister is probably mimicking the disrespect that your parents have been expressing to you all these years. She witnessed it many times and believes (like you) that you deserve it.

    You wrote: “What else do you think I can do to help myself?” I think you should cut all contact with …anyone who is abusing and blatantly disrespecting you, that is your parents and your sister.
    “Would a therapy/ visit to psychologist really help?” If the therapist is competent, caring and hard working, and if you attend therapy long enough and work hard, yes, it will help a whole lot.

    You wrote: “I don’t want to hurt anyone” Do you mean you don’t want to hurt the people who are hurting you, your parents? If you cut contact with them, that would be the consequence of their abuse of you. It will not be you abusing them.

    You wrote that you don’t want pity. Okay, but you do need help, good psychotherapy.

    You wrote: “I have started reading articles on Tiny Buddha and they help me in my self-improvement journey which is now exciting rather than painful.” Problem is you should protect yourself from abuse. No amount of self improvement will make the abuse stop because their abuse of you was never about something wrong about you that you need to fix. And therapy work, unlike superficial self improvement work, will be exciting and painful. It will be painful. But as is, you are often miserable, aren’t you? Therapy will be a kind of pain leading to a better life.

    Post again anytime.

    anita

    June 22, 2016 at 9:27 am #107944
    Asia288
    Participant

    Dear Iphoenix,

    Thank you for your kind and wise words.

    I do understand their situation, I can put myself in other’s shoes, but the fact that they think that what they went through allowed them to say what they said and more importantly they believed I deserve same, no better, makes it difficult for me to forgive. I am terrible at forgiving people and I am not ready to do it, not yet. Anita and you were right, they will not hear me, thus I am not going to try and waste my energy on that. I need this energy for myself now and first time in my life I feel strong enough and ready to work on it and put myself first.
    ‘ but they will forever remain exactly where they are in this life but you can go forwards and live a happy life.’ Yes that is so true and this is one of the reasons why I am not upset about this situation anymore. I am more self-aware than they are ever going to be in their life. I will work hard to feel better and to learn that I am worth more than I feel at the moment, because I know I can change it and I am grateful for that.
    Thank you for your book recommendation. You have encouraged me to look for relevant literature to be able understand my feeling better.
    I hope you find peace in your life and like you said to that I am special, you also know that you are special too. Take care

    June 22, 2016 at 9:42 am #107946
    Asia288
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Your wise words opened my eyes. You were right, they will not hear me, not even in millions years.

    I felt bad at first when I thought about ignoring them completely, I felt guilty and thought that maybe the problem is in me, maybe I exaggerated but now I don’t feel that anymore. I feel it is the right thing to do for me because day by day I feel better and happier. Unfortunately they are a source of danger and sadness to me and they are the ones I need to protect myself from, not the rest of the world.

    My mother thinks that I deserved everything I received and the fact that she received it from her own mother is a good enough excuse for me to receive all of those words they once said to me.

    I am not sad anymore Anita, neither I feel miserable, I feel happier because I take care of myself, not only from the outside but also from the inside. I feel happier knowing that no more of these nasty words and looks are coming my way from people I love.

    June 22, 2016 at 10:06 am #107947
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear asia288:

    I like everything you wrote in your note to me, above. I agree with your understanding and want to point out one thing: you will probably feel guilty again, believing (inaccurately) that you exaggerated and it was all your fault etc. The feelings involved in this belief are likely to come back because these pathways in the brain (these beliefs and emotions involved) do not disappear. They may be asleep now and get weaker and weaker over time until they are insignificant, but it takes time simply because of physiology.

    So next time you feel these old emotions, do not get alarmed, concluding wrongly that you made no progress or that maybe you are at fault after all. No, this is physiology, your thinking now is correct. When those emotions return, please come back to this thread and re-read it. Then post and every time I read a post from you, I will reply, with an extra reminder.

    anita

    June 23, 2016 at 10:36 pm #108089
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    One thing I have learned from what I do for a living is that people who engage in abusive behavior tend to blame, etc. their targets. No surprise that you’d get that type of response.

    I made the mistake of tryihg to help toxic family and learned that the person will only change when they are ready

    May 15, 2019 at 8:42 pm #293995
    Cora
    Participant

    My parents are very toxic sadly i didnt walk away from them when i could..i had many opportunities..but i was so unstable with jobs money and living on my own..my mother wants to blame me and say its my mental illness..she refuses to accept that she and my dad played a huge role in the way i think feel and believe about myself..when i was younger (i am 43 now) i wanted to work and move out and my mother yelled at me and said i will never maje it in tge world i will never have enough money and will never have money to support myself..she also said horrible things like no one will ever be there for you ever only i can take care of you no one else..so sad because as i look at how my life unfolded it was a replica of the beliefs she drilled in me..i am now out of work overweught bedridden and brain damage from psych drugs which i tried to tell everyone i cant take they damage my sleep so i can not sleep at night..my father very violent abusive psychotic he hit me a lot but is a screamer..it was stressful hearing him scream at me and my mom all the time he called me names and told me no one will want me in this world..here i am because i moved to my parents birthplace knowing ahead of time how bad of a place it is as i visited many times and exoreince cruelty as many of my relatives wouldnt speak to me over the years yet when i went there i was violently abused by coworkers two family members an aunt and uncle and my landlird his wife and also the people who lived there..i couldnt go shopping without the ladues giving me dirty looks and smashing their shopping cart against mine..so many are shock i moved to a place i knew was bad for me and i was warned since a child by those random people who found out my parents are from there and thet would tell me dont ever go there they will run you over and eat you alive. Sadly i almost didnt move and could have saved myself from trauma and ptsd and being on psych drugs which has taken my life away as i cant work anymore when you cant sleep..its that bad. Tge chemicals from these psych drugs damage my brain.

    I am curious to know had i never moved away and i am writing to you now as if i never took psych drugs ever..what do you do if living with your parents so stressful for you and i wanted to cut ties from them years ago..how do you answer people who are so nosy when strangers coworkers customers who ask about your parents?? I a few times told people we dont talk..and i got yelled at..nobody stopped to think of my abuse even when i told them i was abused in some sick twisted way they act like i deserve it. How do you deal with that..what do you say to them? I get mad at them but didnt want to lose my job. When i talked to my coworkers who had no relatiinship with parents or one of them they looked at me strangely when i ask do people ask you about your parents and do they scold you if you give them an answer. They said no and no. Then why did i have to be an east target??

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