Hey Anita,

thank you for your reply.
Yes – you have understood everything correctly. That’s the way it is with him.

NB! Don’t know if it’s important but maybe I should add that he did voice his concern that his ex will find out about me and then will cause me troubles at work and make my life difficult as well.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Elise.

Yes, I did tell him but he didn’t want to hear about it. I also advised him to move (because she’s from the city that he is living in and it’s a small city) but he refuses to move and change his life because of her. A week after he was with me she was waiting for him at his flat building and they had a heated discussion. Altogether he said that he will live through the year and then he’ll be rid of her. He doesn’t want to upset her because it might end up with him being locked away.

I know a lot about her and their relationship, how they met, how she cheated on him, what happened that night and what she’s been doing this whole time. About the court proceedings he told me in detail how it went: who was there and how it went down.

We live in Europe and here it’s very hard to prove otherwise: if a woman says it happened then it did.

As I’ve understood he is suffering in silence until the year passes. He might be still in love with her even though he said that he doesn’t have any feelings anymore.

This whole thing is just such a huge mess and I do feel that it had some affect on the “relationship” we had.

PS! I’m so happy I found this site and that you took time to answer. It feels so good to speak about it with someone neutral as my friends are all quite tired of me rambling about it to a point where I don´t even bring him up anymore.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Elise.

Hi Anita,

He has not tried to appeal the case, he just wants to let it go and not go through with it.I agree with you 100% though, there are many evidences that would speak in his defense, even I would be a possible witness at this point. But as you wrote he is shaking in his boots and afraid she will do exactly like you wrote if he upsets her: “hit herself in the face, go to the police and claim he hit her while they met by accident”.

As I said he didn’t want to talk about the counter actions that much (even though I offered several solutions) – he just asked me not to contact her myself.

Elis

Anita,

I do believe that there is more to the story and the truth lies somewhere between their stories – he is not as innocent as he claims but he is not as bad as she claims.

I usually don’t get attached easily (it takes me a lot of time), on the contrary I don’t let myself feel emotions or get my hopes up in fear of it going wrong and not going anywhere anyway(very wrong mind set I know), so I don’t know what was so special about him. It might have been because we really did have a lot to talk about or it might have been that he showed interest in me and for a longer period of time. Over time I’ve become used to that most of the guys I meet only want me for one thing – they see me as a challenge, so they don’t invest time in getting to know me. I was probably overwhelmed that someone took time and interest to get to know me.

This is one of the reasons why I blame myself – that i got attached and it all crumbled down. By scaring him away I meant that with the questions I asked him to get clearance for myself. Also as I mentioned above in the past the guys I get to know have a tendency to just disappear.

This emotional state and thinking about someone is very out of character for me, as written above over time I’ve become numb in these life aspects and just shut this part of my life down. I haven’t had any luck with men – I either get used or I get turned down in the first phases.

Hi Anita,

I am 27 years old (or young, depends on how you take it). I have been living alone for 5 years, I work full time in finance as a team leader and also own a small accounting company on the side. The town is quite small but there is possibilities to meet men plus I often travel to other towns.

I was hoping after that weekend that everything will remain the same communication wise but perhaps we will get together more. I am a realist and know that relationships and love don’t happen overnight – guess I could say that I saw it as the first step out of tens towards the possible end. At the moment I feel like I lost a good friend (who made my day) and another possible love interest.
I never get my hopes up, it’s easier to just turn my emotions off because I will get disappointed anyway.

In the past few days I have acknowledged that I have daddy issues and I am trying to work them out. Combination of that , plus my distrust in men, somewhat shiness and overall questionable taste in men is what has left me in this situation.

Elise

Dear Anita,

You are correct that is not the beginning beginning.

My parents got divorced when I was 2 years old on my mother’s initiative. I did have a relationship with my dad but he was a very negative person – always putting me down and not caring about me at all. He was boasting about me to his friends and other relatives but to my face it was very judgmental. We had a huge fight 6 years when I finally had enough and we haven’t met or talked since – and I’m glad since he only brought negative emotions.
Whilst I was growing up I had 2 step fathers – first in my younger years. A man who was very firm and possessive. Second one in my teenage years. He was a casino addict and long story short when he was in the casino zone he flipped out. This ended up with me protecting my mother from his aggressiveness and throwing him out (he was afraid of me). All my life it’s been my mum and me sticking together through thick and thin – we’ve had some rough times financially and emotionally but we always overcame them and to this day we are very close and talk about everything. 3 years ago my mother met the most wonderful man and she is very happy. His new husband is very protective of us and thinks of me as his own daughter (so do his parents) – he is exactly the father I would have liked to have my whole life. He inspires me and boosts my confidence – he has had a great effect on myself and my mother too.
It’s not like I grew up without any good male influences. I have 2 uncles who I know are always there when I need them. Up until a few years ago I had a very close relationship with my grandfather. But after my grandmother passed away he found a girlfriend and disappeared from our families lives.

I have gone to therapy in the past but achieved a point where it wasn’t necessary. I was diagnosed with depression age 18 so that’s where it started, overcoming that we worked on my confidence issues and then it was brought up I have daddy issues. I also didn’t trust men: when I was 12 I was groped on public transport by a group of 18-year olds and nobody helped me. While living abroad I was forcefully taken by a stranger at a party (luckily I woke up almost immediately). These all contributed to the fact that I couldn’t even speak to men face to face or stay alone with them. It took me years to get over it. It also took me years to get intimate with someone – to trust someone enough.
My confidence has grown tremendously over the years with a huge thank you for that to my stepdad, mother and friends (and therapy)! I no longer suffer from depression, if I do have the moments where I’m slipping back I have excellent friends who see the signs and drag me out of it. I can talk to men in a normal matter and am not scared of them.

Overall my life is good to be honest – everybody has had issues in their past: the family I have is very supportive, I have very good friends, a job I love, I’m financially set and very independent. It’s just the one aspect – love – that hasn’t worked out for me at all. And the one thing does bring me down a lot because I definetly want to have kids and a family. I’m also getting tired of being that independent, I’ve always been strong and taken care of myself since I was 17 (my mother was there at all times, but I’m just an independent person) but now for some time I really want someone to take care of me as well. SOmeone to support me like my mother’s new husband does.

I think these are the key issues put as shortly as I can, there are more details but there’s not enough room for those and I feel they are not as important.

Thank you once again for reading my thoughts and thinking with me – it has already really helped me 🙂

Hi Anita,

What you are saying sounds very correct. I vowed that I will never get a guy like my previous stepdads, add in the very damaging relationships of my friends I saw – I was a definite no: I don’t need this in my life, This is not going to be me. I’ve always also said that I will not start thinking about family until I am financially stable enough to raise a child by myself if needed.

Maybe one thing to add is that my mother did not destroy but my grandmother did – both myself and my mother. I did not care for her opinion though. Since early age I’ve been the target of female envy. My grandmother, my dad’s new wife and later on in life at work my female bosses (3 in a row!) and other female colleagues.

I have a strong personality, I know what I want and I’m not afraid to say it. I’m not the damsel in distress that a lot of men look for – on the contrary. Living with my mother has taught me a lot and I’m very grateful for her. She has expressed concern that her failed relationships have transferred to me but she is hoping that with her now husband I see that there are good men as well.

It’s funny with me – I acknowledge the issues I have: I’m very outspoken but struggle to show my emotions, I don’t open up easily to people even though to the outside I am very bubbly and friendly. But my true emotions are only known to myself in fear of being judged and being vulnerable. I’ve had to be strong since I was quite young so now Iõm struggling to show my softer side.

Elise