You had doubts about X being right for you as a boyfriend/ partner in life from the very beginning of the relationship. Four months ago you expressed it to him more clearly, but the doubts were there from the beginning. You never really approved of him and then things went badly; he never passed the test, never got approved.

And understandably so. You wrote that those things you listed shouldn’t be a deal breaker but I disagree. Let’s take his habit of eating junk food: you were obese and lost half your body weight. You intend to keep your body weight down- that is a good goal, to promote your health, to basically increase your chances of survival. What can be a more important goal (and very supported by nature itself: this is what every single organism is after, promoting its own physical survival). So, if you spend time with him, or live with him and he brings home junk food and it is everywhere, well, you will be risking your health and that is and should be a deal breaker.

In considering a partner in life, it is not a good idea to choose one that will bring junk food home and then figure something like: “I should be strong enough not to eat it!” No, why make life so difficult? Junk food is bad for you and for him, why agree to it in your life, at home? So if he doesn’t change this habit, it by itself, is and should be a deal breaker, says I.

Another point: for as long as you don’t feel like being physically intimate with him, don’t be. Do not betray yourself this way; it’s a terrible betrayal of you.

Congratulations for ending the relationship with him. It would be possible for you to be friends with him if the two of you can handle “just” being friends, but I doubt he can handle it because of his attachment issue. You both have attachment issues, but his seems to be stronger than yours. So I think it was a very good move on your part to end the relationship.

You wrote: ” I’m also not sure if I’m cruel for feeling unattracted to him and his lifestyle”- I am sure: you are not cruel for anything at all that you feel. You don’t choose your feelings, how can you be guilty of them? No person is guilty for what they feel. Moreover, there are valid messages in what you feel and so what you feel always makes sense, if you see the valid message. The valid message as I see it, is that having him as a partner in life is bad for your own well being.

You wrote: “This is my first painful break-up and I simply don’t know how to get through it. I wish I could ease the pain for him” – Notice: you are feeling pain, it is your pain. But you think it is his pain. You don’t know his pain, you are feeling your own.

My last point for this post of mine (looking forward to read your reply, your feedback and continue to communicate) is: you wrote, “I’m also plagued by the thought that I’ll never find someone so tolerant and affectionate as X”- back to the attachment issues you both have, that on your part: you didn’t exit childhood, only a few years ago, confident and secure. You were naturally attached to your parent/s and something went wrong, you got rejected by one or both and it hurt. Now, following this breakup, you are experiencing that hurt of long ago, the hurt of being attached to the parent/ main care taker and being hurt by him/ her. You know there is something wrong on your part, but it is not that you made the wrong choice with X. You made the right choice. And there is the issue of hurt you carry to be examined further, to heal.

anita