Dear Sann:

As I read your latest post I kept telling myself how I want to tell you how impressed I am by this and by that and all through your post, you mentioned so many things that I am almost overwhelmed by respect for you. I know how powerful fear is and to read how far you went to talk to the supervisor, leaves me .. well, filled with respect. And there are the other things you mentioned..

It caught my eye that interacting with a nice person is scarier than with a rude person. I am thinking it is because the rejection by someone inviting will be more painful than by someone rejecting from the get go.

When you showed up and talked to the supervisor, you built some trust in yourself, that although you were so very scared, you did what you intended to do. Next time when you are afraid of someone, you will remember how you did what you set up to do in spite of the fear and that will make you less afraid. The more you trust yourself to carry on the action you intended to do, the less fearful you will be over time.

Regarding your last sentence, about fear and power; it leads me to the following thought this evening:

I learned this lately about myself, much because of my communication with you: when I was a child and my mother expressed her emotions in such histrionic ways: threatening suicide and threatening to kill me and other destructive behaviors, because I was not separate from her mentally (children’s identity is fused with the parent), I grew up believing that my emotions are dangerous, that my emotions will lead to destructive behaviors. I didn’t understand it was not me who was out of control, but it was her. I didn’t understand because she and I were one, as it is for young children. As I grew up, I did not separate from her, the identity still fused until I realized more and more, over time and work, and most recently-

that all along, it was not I who was out of control, it was her. And so, my emotions are not dangerous. I can feel fear.. even fear and I will not go mad like she did.

Can you relate to this?

anita