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missing colleague in job that i just left

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  • #106506
    Sann
    Participant

    Hi,

    It’s a while ago that I wrote here, I think I’ve been trying to work on myself and meditate a lot and gain some more understanding. I had difficulty reading a lot here because I had to move house a lot and didn’t have internet in the house. I’ve mostly been restraining from replying because I feel that I’m struggling too much with myself to be able to give a sound reply to other people.
    This explanation because I feel a bit bad about coming here again to ask for advice or insight from other people for myself without contributing.
    But, the past time I have lived very isolated and finding it hard to keep having a proper view on things. And I actually have been acting quite compassionate towards others around me, even though some of them have taken advantage of it, which is probably one of the reasons why I’m so low now. So for that reason I have decided that it is ok to ask for support here, because I also offer support to others, in other ways.

    So, over the past year I was working in a hotel as a housekeeper, cleaning the rooms. I don’t like cleaning, but since I moved abroad I had to take any job that I could get. Previously I had lived very isolated due to social anxiety (and maybe depression?) and very negative thinking about myself. So when I started to work again, I was extremely insecure and nerveus, about not being able to do the work good (which is ridiculous, but for me it was such a big deal), and about not knowing how to interact with the other people at work. Being very suspicious and just not knowing how to behave or talk anymore. I was very anxious with the person that was then the manager, I felt that he put a lot of pressure on me, while, in turn, he probably couldn’t really deal with my high level of insecurity. There was one guy, from an Asian country, that was very nice and supportive towards me. After a couple of months, I realised that I had feelings for him. He was so sweet and cute and had such a sweet smile, we never really talked (didn’t know what to say, and I assume, the same goes for him) but the way I feel when I’m around him or even for quite a while after I had had a conversation with him (conversation usually meant: exchanging a few sentences about what work I had to do), is something I don’t think I had ever experienced before. Such a calmth came over me, such a stillness and relaxedness. With the high level of nervosity and anxiety that I had, of course this was an amazing gift for me.
    We never really saw each other much, because I work in the morning and he in the evening. We would still see each other sometimes at the end of my shift, but never really talked with each other. I was too obsessed and all the time, planning what I was going to say to him when I would see him, so of course, when I did see him, I completely blocked, acting very rigid, as I would describe it, like a block of concrete and not knowing what to say, usually only talking about work.
    The past few months a couple of people got sick so we ended up having 2 shifts per week together in the kitchen, he as a chef, me to do the wash up. Slowly, and mainly thanks to his efforts, we started to manage to have a bit of contact. Still very awkward, but it was a start. So for me that was a gift of God of course. I had suddenly a lot of hours and 1 day off per week, sometimes none, and got completely exhausted, but of course, I was just happy to spend some time with him. Even though, I was still acting very rigid and found it hard to let go of my tendency of hiding what I felt. I also felt that I wanted to keep the control. For example, when he would smile at me, I would often not manage to smile back, which made me very frustrated. I am so extremely insecure when it comes to men, and I get paranoid so easily, when somebody is nice to me, thinking that they are playing a game with me, which of course I had a lot with him, because I feel so much for him. So I found it hard to make genuine contact and staying calm. But I was really happy that we finally started to be able to talk a little bit more, it was getting better and nicer.

    Then, a couple of weeks ago, I got a phonecall from a supermarket where I had brought in my CV more than a year ago, and now they wanted to have me for an interview. I was offered a job, and apparently I took it. I write apparently because now I feel so much regret. I was exhausted then and was probably not really thinking very straightly anymore. But, I took it because cleaning is really bad for my back, I don’t like cleaning and also, I’m alone the whole time so that gives me plenty of space for ruminating in my head, and usually in a very negative way about, feeding my paranoidness towards the colleagues and people at work. And I thought it would be nicer to have work with contact with people. Eventually I might want to work in a health food shop, so having experience working in a shop would probably help more than cleaning hotel rooms. So, I think it was a good decision for my life. Also, I didn’t feel too good in the hotel anymore, I had difficulties with a girl that I had to work with usually in the morning for breakfast, so I ended up letting her walk over me, and letting her gossip about me to the boss – i admit that i have made mistakes, but there wasn’t a genuine connection between us, and my intentions were great, once I apologised to her about taking something out of her hands, and the anger outburst that followed my sorry, made me realise that we were too different. But working with that girl made it really hard. I am very sensitive for others’ moods, so often I completely lost track with her and was standing there like a complete idiot, trying to keep working and trying to keep tears away. At this work i’m also already having problems with having certain people getting very bossy with me, because i am too easy, so now i’m starting to realise the problem is with me. I guess I’m a pushover.

    Of course, after I got that job offered, the first thing i thought about immediately was S, that colleague that I liked so much, that I needed to tell him that, because I didn’t want him to hear that from the boss or in an indirect way. I don’t meet him much on the street, but half an hour later i did, is that a coincidence? So i told him about the new job and how i got it, he listened and asked with a weak smile ‘why?’ and ‘where?’, and didn’t say much anymore. That last week was a bit of an emotional mess for me, since my ex-boss wanted me to give longer notice, she got angry and yelled at me and made me look ridiculous (in the presence of S, which was a disaster for me). I spent that last week full emotions, feelings of guilt and shame because of my notice (it was legally even more than the required notice, but i agree, and i would have preferred giving them longer notice in order to make it easier for them, but i was afraid that they wouldn’t wait for me in the new job. And there were other people who did sometimes housekeeping, so that wasn’t really a big problem). And of course, the main feeling was huge (and i get really overwhelmed and overpowered with my emotions) sadness because of leaving S. So I didn’t manage to talk much to him anymore in that last week, and I couldn’t even look at him much anymore.
    The timing was so stupid, because in the week before that, I feel that we were finally becoming a bit closer, showing our feelings, without words but with the way we smiled and body languages, it seemed to be very clear that we felt for each other – of course, that is what I think. But I think it is clear since a long time. My huge frustration is that I would always block, and say some silly things about work, even when he would smile or try to talk about something normal.

    So now I just feel completely at the ground, i miss him so much, his presence. I keep telling myself that i just like him because he is so supportive, that i don’t know him at all, that he comes from a culture where they are maybe much more inclined towards kindness than here (but actually i think that i also am much more inclined towards kindness than the average people), and i keep making analyses why he doesn’t like, that it was all play and blablabla… But actually i think that i’m still running away from allowing myself happiness and just enjoying this connection. It is maybe the way i feel around him, that counts, rather than sharing the same interests or getting along for everything. (Of course, I am not talking about sharing the rest of our life together, but i would like to spend some time together and to enjoy the lovely feeling there is between us, even if it is only for a while. Just to let that connection be there and not running away from it).
    I feel i’ve messed it up by the way that i often behaved, what i described above, but then i think, if we really like each other, is he going to be put off by that and maybe should i give myself some more credit.
    And i still don’t know, if he has a wife in his own country, which was once suggested by somebody (somebody who i wouldn’t believe everything what he said), i know there is polygamy in his country, so i don’t know his attitude in that, but i wouldn’t want to have a relation if he indeed has a wife, but then, i would still like to spend some time together in a friendly way.
    And, maybe it was just a nice contact at work, between two colleagues that understood each other and got along well, but nothing more than that (or am i here again reducing myself to less than a human and denying that i can just like somebody, regardless of where i have met them..)
    I think all of this last paragraph are just excuses that i keep making up to avoid trying to make contact with him – and i have gotten very trained in making these kind of excuses…
    But, i am 34, had one relation before which i didn’t like too much, it was very patronising. And now I feel so good with somebody, i think that i should give myself a change and do some effort to get in touch with him. On the other side, i am so afraid. To make a fool out of myself, to be rejected, just to have to face the fact that he is not interested. (it looks so unsignificant to write down what i am so afraid of, i will survive if that happens, but still the fear is so paralysing).
    And also, since he comes from an other culture, i don’t know into how far i should be doing efforts as a woman, or if that would work counterproductive, maybe i should get a bit more laidback and let him do the ‘hunting’. If there is anyone here from or with knowledge of Malaysian culture, i would be very grateful if you could help me to get some more insight..

    The first week of work, one day i saw him in the tiny supermarket where i now work, i completely lost track, felt myself going red and not very in control over my actions – heartbeat suddenly very high, couldn’t think much, motorics went bad.. well you know how it is. It took me a while to get calm again. Since then i’ve been hoping to see him there again, and kept looking in the direction of the door, yes a bit desperate, i am usually like that when i like somebody, quite obsessed.
    This week, Thursday, I decided to be ‘bold’ and go to the hotel. I still need a certain document which i need for my current work in order not to be overtaxed. My ex-boss had told me that she would text me when she has it, but i thought, i go ask and if it is not there, even better, then i have to go back once more 😉 Of course i’m not too bothered by the document, but i wanted to say hi to him. I didn’t go into the bar where he works, i saw a colleague in the reception, a lovely lady, exchanged a few sentences, and then was waiting for the boss, i looking towards the ard saw him standing there, but didn’t say anything. After speaking with the boss…. I went to the door and went out. I had to do 3 steps to go to the bar. It was a quiet evening so it would have been very easy to just go to say hi. But i didn’t. I felt so bad about it, later that evening i sent him a text to say how are you, and that i was there and wanted to say hi to him but didn’t see him. And maybe see you around. But that’s rubbish because he knows that i had seen him, and he knows that i know very well where he works. But i was so nervous because i had never sent him a text before that was not about work (he would usually text me with the time i have to start the next morning). I didn’t get a reply, what i had been hoping for of course. The next day (friday) when i went in my lunchbreak i was in tears, because the way that people were acting out their nervosity on me and i was afraid that there would come an other bullying situation. I called a certain phoneline that is there to listen and support people, which i have been phoning a lot lately because i’ve been feeling very down and desperate. We talked about that work, and also about S, the person on the phone tried to help to motivate me to look for some contact with S. To ask him to have a drink or coffee, or for a walk, also because it would be better for me to have an answer, if it is no then it would be better to know than to keep dreaming and waiting and hoping. I have been feeling for him for nearly a year and always running away from him, it probably would be good that i could stop it, if it is not the same from his side. When i ended the conversation i was feeling a bit more strongly and hopeful (because if the extremely low and negative way i think about myself, it is hard to believe that i could look for further contact..), even though i know that that would go away soon, which it did the further afternoon. Anyway, i ended the conversation just at the end of my lunchbreak, hoping to see him. And, who do i see, just in front of my work, in his car? Yep – we raised our hand to each other and stood there for a moment, smiling at each other. I have had this after other phonecalls with that phoneline, where it was strongly about my frustration that i always block and where ther person was motivating me to do it differently. Afterwards i would hope to see him, because my mood was raised a bit by the talk, and then i did see him. I am starting to wonder if these are really just coincidences. (or am i seeing things that are not there…).

    Ok, this is becoming a very long story. Apparently i still have the need to write it all down. I will leave it here, if somebody likes to read it they can, if it is too long, then that is fine as well.

    At the moment i am wondering what to do. Should i look for more contact, should i still try to see him (probably at work) and ask him to meet up, and see what he says. But my fear is so big for that. And the belief that I have nothing to offer, that i am just a stupid silly girl and don’t have anything to talk about. In fact, i think there is a lot of things that i don’t know what to say about and i don’t manage to keep up with the news very well, but then again, maybe there are more qualities about me, than what i can talk about? I guess the dilemma is to give in to the fear, or to take myself and my own feelings, and needs seriously, which means taking a risk.
    Or, should i wait for a while, and see what he does, if he looks for any contact? Learn to cope with insecurity and with not kwowing, instead of wanting to know the answer immediately. And see if he shows up at my work or if i would meet him by coincidence on the street (we live in a very small town, so that is quite possible). Or see if i still feel about him like that in a few weeks – which is maybe again running away from my own feelings?
    Or try to focus on myself again first, because i am still pretty exhausted, and focus some more on doing things again that i like, start to read a bit again, go for walks, start to meditate again, and get a bit more relaxed again, instead of running after him in the exhausted state i’m in?

    Sorry for the long story – but i guess it is up to the reader to decide to read it, so i guess that it not a big deal.
    If anybody has any feedback or insight, i would be very appreciative.
    I realise i probably sound like a desperate teenage girl, but ok. I am 34 and have always been running away from these things, am afraid of it, and also am getting afraid that i will keep running away from it and from life for the rest of my life. I have to break the circle once.

    #106507
    Sann
    Participant

    Hmmm… I just see the text after posting it.. Wow, it is really long.. Probably not necessary for such a simple story..

    #106510
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sann:

    I am so glad you are back! I think the last time we communicated, months ago, was about the Inner Selves therapy proposed, partly in humor, by a friend here on tiny buddha. I am perfectly fine with you posting anytime on your own thread without replying to other people’s threads. There is no such requirement and many people who start threads do not reply to others’ threads, probably most people, not a problem, Sann.

    I read your whole post above and the lenth is not a problem for me either. You wrote that you are afraid you won’t have much to talk to with S., not being into the News, well, I disagree: you do have a lost to talk about, a lot to say and to me, what you have to say is very interesting, in this thread and in those in the past.

    There is no way for me to inject courage into you, unfortunately. Fear is powerful, I know only too well. But you can do it: you can approach him. The thing is it is okay for you, if and as you approach him, to appear fearful: he already saw you fearful many times. He may be fearful himself and have empathy for you, seeing you fearful as well. See, you don’t have to approach him perfectly. Just make the approach, blush, feel your heart racing (won’t kill you!)-

    If you wait to approach him (or to initiate anything tha tmay be good for you) until you are calm, there will never be such a time (unless you are on a strong drug, not recommended), so you ahve two choices: not to approach/ not to initiate OR approach/ initiate blushing, perspriting, racing heart, raching thoughts, rigiid face… all that. If I was you I would choose the second.

    If you choose it too, write about it. Write anytime otherwose. Again, glad you are back!

    And glad you got a different job!

    anita

    #106564
    Sann
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you so much for your kind reply.
    And thank you for being fine with it, but it bothers me a bit, because i am a kind of person that likes to contribute, here i don’t do it much because i often feel i don’t have enough insights to give advice, and also, at the moment i seem to need all my energy to keep my own head above the water.
    Yes you have a good memory, i remember that as well, that was interested, i did that inner selves exercise on paper and actually had an interesting experience where they started to talk with each other, and getting things straight, haha!

    Thank you for saying that i do have things to say. I guess everyone does. I guess i just like to put myself down because i can’t talk about a lot of things, and i’m not good in social talk, and i tend to block easily. But i’m probably not the only one with that. And i forget, that with some people, i just like to be around them, having much to talk about or not.

    I mailed about it to a friend in my home country as well, and she replied that if he didn’t do anything to look for further contact, she thinks he is not interested, but i think that’s very easy. That’s what i have done my whole life, waiting until the other takes initiative (also about (potential) friends or acquintances), so i’ve missed a lot of sociale contact because of that.
    I don’t have any friends where i live, since a few years, because i’m so insecure, so that also doesn’t help to gather the courage to ask this to a guy.

    I had a day off today and tried to enjoy it and relax a bit, but i just keep jumping from one option to the other. I guess you are right, it would be best to ask it. Even just for myself, to take myself seriously enough and to give myself a chance. And if it is no, then i know it and i can stop hoping and fantasising, then i have the pain and can get on with my life after that. And, as we say in my language “You have a no already, a yes you can get”.
    I keep looking for proofs that he likes me, or on the other opposite, that it was all comedy. I hate that paranoidness, i like somebody so much and then i tell myself that he plays comedy with me, which would make him a really awful person, to play with somebody for so long. And he isn’t an awful person. It could be that he just likes me, but nothing more, but then also i need to know that at some point. If he doesn’t want to keep in contact, or does in a friendly way. I think it is the worst, to keep going on in my head making interpretations and fantasies because i’m afraid…

    Thank you for the encouragement. That is actually what i have been doing for so long: i have to appear perfectly to other people for them to accept me, so i used to put on a fake smile and being hyperactive, because that is what other people seemed to do. I am slowly starting to see that i can be, and need to be myself, even if that means that i am serious and my face looks serious.
    It probably makes it harder that i will have to ask this at his work, because if i wait for a random moment to meet him by coincidence and get to talk to him, that might be difficult. So at work i need to have a good moment, quiet and nobody around that shouldn’t hear that – i am quite mistrusting towards many people there, i feel there is a bit a hypocritical atmosphere, and anyway, that is not everybody’s business. But i should stop thinking about it, because the more i think about it, the bigger it might become. Maybe i should just visualise me doing it, so that it seems more natural, i don’t know.
    And then i am afraid that he is shy (which he is, towards me anyway) and doesn’t say anything, but then that is his responsability.

    On the other hand i wonder, this has been going on for a year and haven’t manage much to talk to each other, does it makes sence to still try it?

    Aaargh, and that is how i make myself crazy. I keep thinking about it, in order to avoid feeling it or having to do something, and that way i make things such a big mountain in my head that nothing ever happens.
    I can choose to do it, but then, will i manage to do it as well?
    I should probably stop thinking about it (ha ha, as if i could!) until Thursday, and then decide if i go or not, with the excuse to ask again for my document (i also don’t want to look like obsessed with that document, which i’m not 😉 ), because Thursday is the weekday that would work best i think, having a slight idea who works when and when it is more busy..
    Because i can’t plan everything anyway, it will also depend on him. If i go and he avoids contact, then it will be a different story, then if he talks enthousiastically and seems happy to see me as well.
    Pfffff.. Stop thinking about it, and be in the moment.

    #106566
    Sann
    Participant

    Oh and i forgot to say, thank you for the welcome back Anita. I am glad to read your responses again, as well.
    I am hoping to be a bit more active again at some point, but at the moment it seems to be hard. I had to move to the hostel, my new job gives me a lot of stress and the hostel is also less privacy. At the moment i am typing this while there are some children running around and the stresslevel is piling up quickly actually. I think it’s time to get away from my computer and trying to meditate in the tent (hopefully i don’t hear them there..). In this situation i need to look after myself first, before trying to support others – that is what i need to learn in my life anyway, to look after myself in the first place.

    #106592
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sann:

    I saw that you already replied to another thread. You are so conscientious.

    Anxiety makes life very difficult. Your anxiety makes everything difficult because everything involves interacting with people: work, living in a hostel/ roommates and such and trying to make friends and even have a boyfriend. When anxious we think, and think and think some more. This is the nature of anxiety, we try to think our way out of it and … it doesn’t work. Our heads get overblown with thinking but we are paralyzed, taking no action and nothing changes.

    If you approach the guy, I suggest you do is as an exercise in approaching someone, not focusing on the results but on the exercise itself. pay attention to every part of it, as if you are in a classroom and your assignment is to approach a guy and say ___ to him. Then perform the task, just for the sake of performing it.

    What you fear is what is already happening to you. You fear rejection but you are already alone. See my point? And I think you do because you wrote about the No and the Yes, the No- you already have. You are already alone, so if you are rejected, well- you will still be as you are now, alone. Nothing will change.

    But if you approach him for the sake of exercise, and make a habit of taking different initiatives for the sake of doing things you previously were afraid to do, at least you will learn to approach, to initiate. Once you have some success with it, your anxiety will lessen.

    Post anytime you can-

    anita

    #106691
    Sann
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much for your wise and supporting words.
    Actually, 2 days ago I wrote a whole reply, and it didn’t get posted.
    This happened a few times before the past weeks, the few times that i did try to write a well-thought and thorough reply to somebody. That is quite frustrated.
    Right now i don’t have the energy to type everything again, and i don’t remember everything i wrote.
    So i will try to keep it short. Monday night i decided to phone him. I had an other phone call with that helpline, and she help me to see some things by listening and by the way she responded to me. I told her, that indeed i needed to do something, because i want it so badly (to keep in contact with S, to become friends or something else..) and that i kept making excuses not to. In the evening, walking back from town, I met him on the street close to his house. He smiled faintly back and me and turned his head away – which made me sad because i told myself he turned his head away because he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. Back in the hostel, i realised, that sadness is there because of the thoughts that i tell myself, not because that is necessarily the reality. I had actually bought myself a nice beer (quite strong) just to give myself a treat. When i was drinking it, and kept thinking about your words, I decided that i should just phone him, that i probably wouldn’t have the courage to go up to him (in his workplace probably) to ask him that. So i decided, having a beer might just be a little help to gain some courage. That was a terribly difficult thing for me to pick up the phone. He even answered. He asked if he could do anything for me. And i with nervosity, giggling a bit and stumbling a little bit, ask if he would maybe like to come and have a cup of tea with me in the hostel. He asked immediately when? Today? But then said that he couldn’t, because he had to go to his work to sleep there, he asked me how my new work was going and i actually answered honestly that it wasn’t going to great and why (i probably shouldn’t have said that, but i didn’t feel like putting up a facade at that moment), he said something about why he had to sleep there on his day off, and then asked if i’m off the next day (so yesterday), so he would phone me the next day. I was so happy, partly because i made the step, which is a good thing for myself, and partly because it actually sounded as if he wanted to come.
    But, yesterday i didn’t hear anything from him. So today i am really overflown with sadness again, sadness that is paralysing. Because i am sad, because i like him so much, and i never felt so amazing to be around somebody, i feel that he is so full of light inside, and i am not used to feel that with somebody. And i felt, even though the contact often felt awkward and nervous, often it felt so real, and such a connection, even often without many words.
    I know, this is how it goes in life and i will get over it. Right now it hurts and i have to let that pain be there, and feel it. I still keep hoping that he was just shy and that i will hear something from him, but i guess i have to stop telling myself lies and making up stories.
    And, the other reason why i am so sad, is because this makes me think that my thoughts about myself are true, that i am nothing and that i am something ridiculous and that people just make fun of me and play games with me. The fact that i write it in this way, seems that i already have a bit of distance towards that thinking, but still, this is my basic belief in life and this comes up hard now and i have to be careful with it. That is why i have such a huge difficulty to approach a guy i like (which luckily doesn’t happen every year), because i am always so afraid that his rejection will be a proof of that thinking.

    #106703
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sann

    Yes, it was impossible to post on the threads for at least 12 hours the other day. Fortunately for me I typed a short post and it disappeared, so it wasn’t too bad. I am sorry you wrote such a long post, detailed and full of your thoughts and feelings- and then it disappeared. Too bad.

    I was excited to read above that you called him- excellent job and congratulations! Having a strong beer was a good plan to steer you toward the initiative you planned to take. Excellent job answering his question about your new job honestly and not putting on a facade: congratulations for that too!

    So take your victories and celebrate them- these two things I mentioned above are victories: you did it!

    The fact that he didn’t call yesterday- that is out of your control; that is not your doing and does not take away from your victories.

    Regarding your belief that yu are nothing, ridiculous, something to be made fun of and play games with- this is a very painful belief to have, a belief that would bring a lot of pain to anyone having this belief.

    Regarding the reason why this man didn’t call you like he said he would, I am thinking he slept in his workplace on his day off, so you wrote. That could indicate problems where he resides and those problems overwhelmed him the next day. This is more likely than your belief about yourself being the reason.

    Back to your belief: it is not true. As you know, people believe all kinds of things that are not true, from beliefs due to psychosis to religion to inaccurately believing someone is thinking this or that when they are not… false beliefs are very, very common and yours is just one. Yet it causes you so much pain and no comfort. It causes you so much pain because part of you knows it is not true and is fighting it.

    Good psychotherapy is one place to examine such beliefs, challenge them and over time correct them. I don’t think you have access to therapy. I don’t know where to go from here. Any ideas?

    anita

    #106843
    Sann
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much again for your reply and your wise words.
    Yes, i do have therapy actually. I was still in contact with my therapist from my home country, through skype, although irregular and i haven’t spoken with her since november, due to lack of money and then having no time and no internet in the house. But, i’ve been going to her since ten years and i feel that this kind of therapy (DGT) is not enough. Although, i must say that she has helped me a lot during those years. But i feel that now i am ready for an other kind of therapy, so i contacted a therapist here in the town, that i thought might be a good fit. I have seen him 3 times and this afternoon again. He works with mindfulness and seems to have a similar way of looking at things as me. He doesn’t care about my labels as borderline, he says that i am just a human being sitting in front of him. And he told me that he gets therapy as well, which makes me feel more confident. So even though i am feeling quite lost at the moment, and i am finding it hard to believe that this is going to make real changes, i am quite hopeful (because he is hopeful, and he is confident, out of his own experiences, that these things can really change). Still, i am aware that i have to do the work myself, but now i have support again, from somebody that i feel that can understand and is able to deal with it.

    About the reason why he didn’t call me: no, that’s nothing to do with it. He has a house, he lives there with his friend, an other colleague, and i think that he would love to sleep there more often. He usually sleeps 5 days per week (on his workdays) in the hotel where he works, because they need somebody to sleep there and nobody else wants to do it. He is too good, doesn’t say no.
    That day on the phone, was his day off, and the girl that usually sleeps there on his days off, wanted to go somewhere, so he had to go. He told me that he didn’t mind because she will sleep there on wednesday and thursday. Still, it bothers me that he has to sleep there so much and i don’t think he is very happy with it.
    So in this case, i think you are making interpretations.
    I was wondering if it was true that he had to sleep there that night, or if it was just an excuse not to have to come, but i try to be more trusting.

    In relation to him not showing up, and if i should try further, or let go of it, and accept the fact that he doesn’t want to keep the contact.
    A part of me feels rejected and thinks that this is clear, that he doesn’t want to meet up with me and that i should understand the message, and accept that. That he said yes on the phone because he is nice and doesn’t like to say no. And that i should let go of the people of that previous workplace, where i probably got way too attached to everybody because i don’t have anybody else in my life. That i need to focus on myself, finding hobbies to meet other people and investing more in what interests me.
    An other part still wonders, i find it was just a rejection. If maybe he is also very shy and maybe also don’t know how to do that. It feels ridiculous whilst writing here actually. But it hurts, because i felt so good around him, he has been very nice and very supportive towards me and i got to like him a lot. Maybe i should just accept that it was a good contact during the worktime there. Or that he is just a very warm, kind person who is nice to people and that i have taken that more personal than it was meant. Or that he is intelligent, and does effort to get along with his colleagues because that is better for him. And that maybe in his culture where he is from, they have a different approach to people, they are nicer and being not so much lead by if they like somebody or not. Well, i don’t know all these things. What i mean is that, i got to like him a lot, and felt very supported by him, and now i am very sad that i don’t see him or can’t talk to him anymore. That hurts, and that will probably take some time, which is ok. But maybe, it would be better to tell him that. The whole year that i worked there, i have been running away from him, avoiding him, often not responding when he was initiating contact, but starting about something stupid about work. I have also created a certain image about myself like that. Because i was afraid and anxious. Imagine that it could be true and that he indeed does like me, then i think my behaviour was quite awful. For myself i think it might be good to tell him, that i like him, that i am grateful to have met him and for all his support, and that i miss him. And that i find it hard to let somebody come closer, even though i felt really close around him. That i felt so frustrated that i always ran away or started about work, while i only wanted the opposite. Something like that. I think that might be good for me, to learn to be more open and honest with people that i care about. and to help me, to let go of it. But maybe also towards him, to explain him why i always behaved like that and what i lovely person that i find him. Maybe he doesn’t care about hearing all of that, and i would be boring him, and he would be annoyed or find me an idiot. But, maybe i need to take that risk to say what is on my heart and risk looking like a fool.
    With him, i felt it was always a struggle, inside myself, to choose for love or for fear. The fear to act normal to him, while all my beliefs said that i was just a stupid cleaning lady, who works to slow and has to do the cleaning work because whe is not good enough for anything else. The fear of my beliefs that say that i am not good enough, that somebody so lovely as he wouldn’t want to be near somebody so stupid and annoying as me. Writing this, it seems obvious that this can not be reality, but i will need some time to truly work on those ideas – which i think will happen, i am wanting it more and i have found a good therapist. That was the fear. And the love was just all the warmth that i felt for him, and to try to talk to him or to smile at him. I felt that i usually was hiding in the fear (he was a supergood worker, he is the only one who does all the jobs in the hotel, and is superfast, so i would always tell myself that he looks down on me, that i need to become superfast and maybe then he will think differently about me), and that he was starting the contact and helping me to act like a normal human being. Maybe that was not personal towards me, maybe that is just the way he is.
    Ok, i am getting it messed up with this text, it probably looks very messy. But i still write it because it seems to help me to become more motivated to actually do say it at some point, and maybe somebody has some insights if this would be a good idea or not.

    I’m not sure why i wrote this above about the fear and the love. I think it was a big struggle for me to act normal with somebody that i like so much. I am so sad because of the feeling that i messed it up again. I try to tell myself, i was just a colleague for him whom he say had some difficulties, and he tried to be supportive. But for me, he was a human begin with whom i felt a profound connection in a way that i usually don’t feel with people.
    Maybe i should stop writing about it and just either say something to him or not and move on. If i say it, it will take a few minutes and in the worst case i make myself look like a complete fool. But then, is that the worst thing in life? Then i can probably be more happy with myself because i have done what my heart wants to do. Choosing for myself and caring for myself instead of feeling desperate about a man, missing a man, and hoping for more contact, and waiting in vain. I totally agree with that. But i think, choosing for myself, in this situation might also mean that i choose to express something, instead of keeping to lock myself up. So i guess i should try it. I don’t think i will phone him, maybe i have to wait until i meet him on the street or something, and can hope that the universe will help a bit in that to put us together in a good moment.

    Ok, sorry for all the rambling, it seems that i am using this writing to collect my thoughts and that i am writing too much. I don’t know. I’ll post it anyway.

    #106858
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sann:

    I am sick and will be back to the computer later today or tomorrow or next day, most probably. Can’t read your post now but will when I am back. Take good care of yourself!

    anita

    #106898
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sann:

    Your new therapist sounds promising to me: his attitude regarding you being a human being and not a label (BPD), him being in therapy himself and expressing hope and trust in you healing. Healing from anxiety, the fear that paralyzes you in thinking, thinking and then, more thinking.

    So his sleeping arrangement at work, you do know all about it. And so it seems he chose to not call you back. Or forgot. Doesn’t seem promising to me. I don’t think it matters if you speak to him again or not. Probably no loss and no gain for you. Except for the exercise, maybe. If the second time brings no favorable results for you, I’d give up then.

    I understand about him being from another culture and maybe even having a wife (or wives) in another country. That could be a huge factor.. maybe (and I am only guessing because you don’t know), maybe he is faithful to a wife far away.

    I sure hope you heal from your fears with therapy and taking little initiative steps. Really, what have you to lose but that low self opinion. If you try, initiate, surprise yourself with courage, you will be earning your own self respect. You will find yourself doing something you once were too scared to do, and that will be an exhilarating feeling and faith you didn’t have before. Faith in Sann-Can-do.

    anita

    #106989
    Sann
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    First of all, sorry to hear you were sick, and thank you for still taking the effort to write here that you would reply later. You are so kind and considerate. I hope you are better now.

    Yes, the therapist. I still have my doubts about it. Even though i think i need it, it’s a lot of money and money is hard coming in… But i’ll give it a chance because i need to do something.
    This emotional time about my colleague has made it again clear, how destructive i am towards myself. How hard and rigid i am towards myself, and how impossible i make my life for myself.

    Ok, i had a very nice feeling with this guy and i am missing him, that hurts and i think i have to allow that pain and sadness to be felt, instead of running away from it, like i usually do.
    What also hurts, is that i was working with him for a year (we didn’t see each other everyday, and in the winter we didn’t see each other for some months, and the last months we saw each other almost daily and we worked together for 2 nights per day), and all of this time, i kept running away from him, i had such a huge difficulty to let him come closer, i did a lot of pushing away on these little moments where he was just making a nice contact. That is also what hurts me, and what makes me sad. The self-sabotaging of pushing nice people away, of not knowing how to allow myself to be close and real with people that i connect with, and not knowing how to just enjoy that connection.
    I did make some effort to change that, and we did have some nice times as well, so i think i did make a litle bit of progress. But still, not like i would like it to be. Something i need to learn from, to learn to be nicer to myself, so that the next time maybe i can manage a little bit better.

    The fact that he didn’t come, yes it doesn’t feel very good. I don’t know why he didn’t come, of course.
    But i can’t be too judgmental, looking at the fact how i would, for most of the time, trying to get closer and then run away or push away again. I didn’t act too normal or healthy either. In the last week of work, after my notice, i barely spoke to him anymore (because i was overwhelmed with sadness about not seeing him anymore), neither did he. I would have liked to ask him then, if he would like to stay in contact, but i didn’t. I just left and said ‘seey you’. And then suddenly, 2 weeks later i phone him and ask him over for tea. That might be a bit strange as well.
    It might be that he is not interested – which is probably the case.

    Anyway. I sent him a text yesterday, that i didn’t hear from him Tuesday, that i would have liked to keep in touch, but it seemed like he didn’t want, so i won’t annoy him anymore. That he is always welcome if he wants to say hi, in the hostel or in the shop. And that i wish him all the best, that it was very nice to work with him.
    And i think, now i have to let go of it.
    Just after sending that text, i felt my emotions going up, fear, embarresment, anger (because i already imagined that they would be having a good laugh about me and seeing me as a stupid ridiculous little girl…), so i phoned to that phoneline again, to look for some help to see things in perspective.
    She helped me to see that i am actually very strong, living in a foreign country without anybody, and i keep going, with so much difficulties. She also said that she thaught that text was ok. And i guess i think so as well, apart from all my fears and feelings that it looked ridiculous or pathetic. I expressed something of disappointment about him not showing up. I left the door open if he would like to meet again – which of course, i would still hope, i can’t just let go of missing him immediately. And i expressed some appreciation and good wishes – i feel that people could see that as pathetic, but i guess that would be very strange.
    I feel that i was imposing or ridiculous with sending this text, or that is what i am afraid of that they will think about me. But i guess i did what felt right for me, honestly expressing that i would have liked to keep in touch and expressing that i enjoyed working with him. That is something that i wanted to say to him anyway.

    So, now i need to let go of it, and start focusing on myself again. Getting used to my new job, and finding nice things to do for now and where i can meet nice people (i phoned finally to a teacher in the yoga centre, that holds classes about mindfulness, apparantly the meditate together, and listen to a podcast about mindfulness, and have a little break in between, which sounds exactly what i could use, so i will go for the first time this evening), and start to think about going to school again.
    I want to be grateful that i met this lovely person, and i wish him all good, but i shouldn’t keep hoping for further contact. And i need to stop feeling bad about leaving that workplace because of missing him. For some reasons i decided to leave that job, so now it is time to use that in a positive way. I feel a lot better having some contact with costumers and i feel that does more for my self-worth (even though, my self-worth shouldn’t be dependent on that..). If a friendship was or is meant to be, maybe it will, but i will stop hoping for it. I guess people come in our lives to teach us something, and to help us along, and i will try to learn some things from meeting him.

    I’m still hoping to become a bit more active on this site, but there are only 24 hours in the day, and right now i want to take some more time for myself, relaxing and doing positive things, away from the computer.

    Thank you very much Anita, for your support. You have helped me to take the phone and ask this, and to be real, and i think i will remember this, the next time that i might meet somebody nice 🙂

    #107028
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sann:

    They told you when you called, that you are a strong person living in a foreign country. This is a very interesting point to me, fueling me to think further about fear, strength and weakness in general and as it relates to you, so I will be typing as I think and ask for your feedback, your input following this type-as-I-think post:

    You, Sann, are very scared. Of this I have no doubt, and have known it for a long time: scared more than any other emotion. But you are not scared of living in a foreign country, you are scared about the things that hurt you in the past. You may not be scared of bees if you were never stung by a bee, but you are afraid of what already greatly hurt you in the past, repeatedly, over a long time.

    You are afraid of rejection, of being ridiculed because you were, in reality, rejected and ridiculed. Did we communicate about it in the past? Your childhood experiences of rejection and ridicule? Did you mention this to the therapist/ others? I don’t remember….

    anita

    #107035
    Sann
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    First of all, I think you are quite amazing. If i see the amount of energy you put in helping and supporting others on this forum. I was just browsing around here and saw somebody who just started a thread about her current situation, and directed it towards you. I think that shows how compassionate you are and how it can influence people.

    Thank you for thinking further with me. I don’t know why. I feel that you want to understand me more, or even want to help me understand things better and go deeper towards things. Or maybe you just like to try to understand others better? I have no idea, but i appreciate the fact that you are trying to understand me more.

    In fact, i am scared of bees, even though i have never been stuck, but this to the side 😉

    Yes i am very scared, but i think that i have also other feelings in me which are very big, but which i maybe still don’t allow enough, or bury them under the fear. Maybe i just find it hard to accept that that is what i am, a scared person. Or maybe the fear is ruining a lot of things…

    I think that i am scared to be vulnerable. To be real. To be myself. To show myself as i am, and as what i feel to others.
    I hitchhike a lot, and i travelled a little bit, and i would have no problem making conversations with strangers. In those travels, i would spend time in a group doing voluntary work, and in those groups i would be very quiet and unhappy, drained of energy. On my photos of those groups you could see me, with an unhappy face and as a very unhappy person. But when i was ‘on the road’, with people who i would never see again, then it is different. You can also see this on certain photos, where i look shining and happy and radiant. The same goes for school or work. In those situations i am usually anxious, withdrawn, insecure, and blocked.
    So if i am in a situation where i will see people more often, something in me blocks. When it is a ‘one-moment’ situation, i will often chat away and be more extravert. I say these examples because i think it might make it more clear.

    I think i am afraid to make connections with people, to allow people to come close, because i can’t believe it is true. If it seems true (which was the case with S), then there must be something wrong, so i get into the paranoid thinking and in the pushing away. I don’t deserved it.

    When i was a child, it was hard to be real. My mother had a lot of problems, physical health problems as well as emotional problems. When i was in hospital, i saw once on a report that i described her as having borderline – not with those words but because of the way i described her. She didn’t have control over herself, had a lot of self-loathing and worked it out on me. She was very unpredictable and i was scared of her. she woud have big rage-outbursts, shouting and shaking me around. Maybe i was already sensitive as a child, but i was scared. And then at times she would regret and come to me ‘oh my little sprout, you love your mummy don’t you..’ I don’t know if these were the exact words but in that kind of attitude. With a kind of feeling the she needed my reassurance, that everything was ok. Now i realise, that was actually already a kind of helper role that i was taking on. When i was scared of her, and when she burst out in anger, out of proportion, then i was already taking on the responsibility to comfort her, and to tell her that everything was ok. While i was hurt, and scared, but who was there to comfort me, to give me the assurance that everything was ok?
    There was never real affection, real safety.
    My father was the safe person, the reliable person. I was not afraid of him. But there was also not really affection, or attention. When i was 18, my parents divorced, my mother took me with her but later the court decided that my father should raise me, which is what he had fought for and also what i wanted, because i was scared of my mother. My father did what he could, but he didn’t know how to give me affection. When i was an adult, he told me that he never gave me a hug, or never even put an arm around me, because he was afraid that people would think about child abuse. I remember there was never the time or the space to listen to me. I would come back from school or other acitivities and wanting to tell something, and he would act with ‘yes, yes..’ on a tone that said, i showed some attention but not wholewheartedly, and then ‘and now i want to watch tv’. Meals were always in silence. I never remember a genuine smile from either of them. I still find it hard to smile genuinely, and usually don’t manage it. Especially when i like somebody.

    With my mother, later, as a teenager, i remember a lot of times where she would be complaining to me about how bad her life is, and what the point would be to keep living. So as a teenager i was trying to support my mother, listening to her, trying to show understanding, trying to encourage her. She would sometimes give signs in a very indirect way. I remember once, when i was spending the weekend with her, and in the morning would come downstairs and find a paper on the table ‘who to call in case Xx (her name) would die’, and then names and phone numbers in order of priority. This was further making me scared, because there was always a kind of thread (in my feeling) that it would be my fault, that ik would be responsible in case she died, i wouldn’t have done enough to help her.

    Also, as a teenager, i felt a huge pressure from my mother, to act as if everything was ok between us. That we just got along well as mother and daughter. A lot of acting. Pretending. Acting in a fake way, with a fake kind of voice. I think this is what really messed me up, because things weren’t ok between us. She hadn’t been there for me and she had never given me the safety or love that every child needed. Maybe she couldn’t she had had problems with her mother and that had been the way for the previous generations. But then i had to put up this kind of play, which i did, probably because i felt this would be safer than to be honest and rebelling or not playing it. When i would be impolite (i was also a teenager, remember), she would give me comments that would be guilt-inducing. So i think that made me feeling not real, feeling that i had to put up a huge facade and faking, in order to be accepted (and is that not one of the basic needs, as a child?). Pushing myself further away.

    As an adult (now less because i live abroad), my father would sometimes complain to me about his problems with the attitude of his girlfriends’ daughter, who is not very nice to him, even though he does a lot for her. And i would listen, trying to support him. Give him the emotional support that i kept longing for, to get from him. My father tries to support me a lot, on the practical level, and is always there for me when he can. When i was in hospitals and completely desperate and suicidal, he would try in his way, to give me hope, but really listening to me, he just can’t.

    There was never a lot of physical violence. Anyway, i don’t think the bit of physical stuff messed me up.
    But psychologically, probably a lot more than i still would like to admit to myself.
    And these things are more invisable. People don’t notice easily what’s going on with this way of acting. Or, i don’t think they notice, even if they did, it is a lot more complicated and less open.

    So, i think i have learned as a child, that there is no place for me. People are scary, i have to try really hard to please them and it is nearly impossible. People are cold and distant, so that is what i became towards other people. I became distant to them and i extremely respect other people’s space and the distance, because i am so scared to come closer. I don’t want to be distant and cold, and i long so hard to get closer to people, because i actually think that inside i have a lot of warmth as well. But i don’t know how to do it. I get scared for longer contacts than a few days. Scared of being judged, scared of being rejected and ignored. I get nerveus as soon as i am around people. I often act hyperactive, when i do try to say something it is usually not in a relaxed way, but very agitated, louder and nerveus. Of course, that is not nice for people to listen to. But i am so used to expecting that people will turn their back on me as soon as i open my mouth to say something, or that they wil start to laugh.

    So, afraid of being ridiculed, i don’t know if it makes sense to you, reading my story. There was some ridiculing when i was little, but there was a lot more ignoring, the feeling that i didn’t exist, that i didn’t matter and that i was too much.
    So i think now, the feeling and the fear that i have made myself look ridiculous by asking for more contact with S, I guess it is quite obvious, i have always learned that i am not allowed to be there, that i am in the way. So imagine, such a stupid little thing, asking such a lovely person to keep meeting up, because i like him. Why would he like me, of course he has a good laugh about my stupidity. That is my way of thinking, i know that is wrong, but that is the way of thinking a have always learned and actually still believe. Even though i have reasons to think that S actually also likes me, i find it hard to believe that, and i keep finding ways to not believe it, because that is a very scary thought.

    You probably will not be surprised to read that i studied social work in college, and failed because i took it all way too serious. Even though my mentor at school said that she saw some great qualities in me to become a good social worker. And actually very glad that i don’t have to do that job, because i would probably have gone completely depressed after a few months.

    And maybe it will not sound strange, when i say that i don’t know how to talk to people, about random stuff, in a relaxed way. Either very hyperactively. And that i tend to attract people who have problems and kind of use me as their personal counselor and are not very nice and respectful towards me – an experience that i had this year with a woman where i lived for 4 months, and then kicked me out like a piece of garbage with some agression, oops… it happened again..
    I recently read about the Karpman triangle and that is totally me, the rescuer, and then becoming victim and then becoming angry and bitter, why this keeps happening…

    OOf.. You asked me for some clarification. I don’t know if you wanted to know this much. I started writing, probably very happy with the attention of somebody, somebody who asks me ‘why are you scared’, and out of a feeling: maybe i will respond honestly for once, as a way of taking myself seriously enough.

    It feels a bit strange to put this on the internet, but i think i will post it anyway, and trying to rely on the anonimity.

    #107042
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sann:

    We have so much in common: our mothers so similar. I didn’t know it until you shared in this last post. No wonder you are so scared. So scared of being trapped with a person.. like you, I did not have much trouble living in a foreign country. And I too hitchhiked a whole lot. I too felt very good with people I will never see again.

    What scared me all those years was my mother. From your description your mother is the closest to mine of ANY description of any person heard in my lifetime.

    My mother was borderline too, and histrionic. Unpredictable, raging, suicidal, blaming, scary. My fear was always to be trapped, like I was trapped with her. My moments of happiness were hitchhiking, being on the way from here to there, and it didn’t matter where “there” was, as long as it was away from her.

    You wrote that maybe you were too sensitive- no you were not. You were born as sensitive as any other baby. Your mother really was scary, too scary. Like mine. No child can endure this kind of fear without being seriously affected.

    I have been away from her for a long time but I carried her in my brain, internalized. We do that, you know. So everywhere you go, there she is, coming alive whenever you get to like someone. You get scared, trained that way. You think others will hurt you like she hurt you. No wonder you get scared. I was.

    I will read more when I can handle it. Like I wrote Sann, our resemblance as far as our mothers is astonishing.

    Till later-
    anita

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