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missing colleague in job that i just left

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  • #107109
    Sann
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Wow, I didn’t expect you to reply this.
    First of all, especially after reading your last line, i wonder if i should apologise. I wonder if i wrote too much and too openly. I am afraid that i might have been triggering you with all that writing. Maybe i should have been more careful and not writing so much. In that case, i hope you will tell me honestly, and of course i will respect if you don’t reply anymore.

    Thank you for your reply. I am not used to get understanding and recognition, and this of course, means a lot to me. An other human being who had similar difficulties and understands that it is hard and not healthy. I am so used to people telling me to ‘get over it’ , ‘forget about it, then is then and now is now, don’t keep dragging in the past’, or ‘there are so many people who have it much worse than you, you are so negative…’ etc. All these things i know, but still, i have never understood how to do it, just to stop being afraid.

    Thanks to your kind reply, it is actually feeling easier for me right now to be a bit more compassionate towards myself because of the way i have made it so difficult with this lovely guy. Trying to get closer to him and keep running away.
    I had 2 more phonecalls with this helpline today, immediately after each other (i have the numbers of 2 different counties), the first one was quite confronting and told me that i had messed it up and that i should phone him again to ask if he wants to come for tea. I just don’t know how to do it. I was so upset and overwhelmed and desperate that i phoned the other county. And that woman was more understanding, she said that my texts were respectful, also because i don’t know if he has a wife and all that, and that i made it clear that he is still welcome. I don’t know if talking about it is good, it seems to keep bringing the emotions up. And now as well, with reading your reply, i suddenly realise why i kept running away from him. It is so frustrating but i don’t know what to do now. I guess i have to let go of it, even though i am still hoping that he will show up. I have to work hard on myself and hoping that a next time i can do it a bit better. But that is hard, because my whole body, mind and spirit seems to be longing so much to see him, to talk to him, to tell him honestly what i feel, just to be with him. This is a very scary feeling.
    I guess that since i am so afraid to look for further contact, that i won’t be forcing myself too much now. And that i should focus on myself, and accept the fact, that it maybe wasn’t supposed to be this way. Even if we are both so insecure and shy. But ok, i still hope, and i think that is very human. But i will focus on myself, doing things that are good for me, that hopefully help me to feel a little bit better, which is what i need the most right now.

    I would like to ask you a lot of things, how did you manage to change some things, for example, because i know you have a husband, and i remember you writing that you went in therapy went you were with him and that you changed a lot. Ok, I notice that i would like to ask you things about your experience and how you managed to change things. But I don’t know if I should, because maybe that is too much for you, and going back too much to your painful past.
    So I have all respect for your boundaries, and I ask you, to tell me if you want to talk further about it or not. I think, hope, that you are strong enough to say so if you don’t want to talk about, even if you like to support somebody else. Your own wellbeing and peace is more important, and my therapist is there for me.
    But of course, if you do like to talk about it, i would find it very interesting. But in the first place, i hope you will respect yourself and your own boundaries. If you tell me honestly, now or whenever, that you don’t want to talk about it, i will respect it and not take it as an offence or rejection.

    Anyway, thank you so, so much for your reply. You have no idea what these words did for me.

    #107159
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sann:

    I kept your thread for last because of my emotions involved. Interestingly I thought you would apologize or feel responsible somehow for my emotions, before I opened your thread a few moments ago. I suppose I know you well enough to predict that. I didn’t read the rest of your post, only up to the sentence where you considered apologizing.

    I will be away from the computer for a few hours and will be back to your thread. As I wrote, my own fear of my mother is something that I will be confronting more closely as I read about your mother with the eerily similarities. I will do it though. Take good care of yourself, Sann. I feel closer to you as a result of the latest discovery, realization.

    anita

    #107168
    Sann
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Wow, I’m surprised to hear that you already expected that i would apologize and that you say you know me well. While I always think that I am invisible and that people never notice me. You already know me from a few forum posts. That is an eye-opener for me.
    Or, did you know that, because you recognise that pattern, because you might also have learned to feel responsible for other people’s emotions?

    If you want, maybe you want to read my last lines of my previous post first, before going on. I’d like to repeat it here, I hope you take care of yourself and mind your own limits. Maybe I am feeling too responsible for your emotions again now, but i don’t want to trigger you to bring up emtions again that might be too much for you. You don’t need to get involved in my story if you don’t want, and bring up many things for you again. Respect your own limits.

    I also feel closer to you now. And surprised, that i have the right to open up like that and to share this with somebody. With somebody very nice and compassionate.

    Take care, take your time, and only read and reply here, if you want to, Anita.

    #107176
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sann:

    I just read your two posts on this page, not from before. Yes, I thought you would feel responsible for my feelings and I was correct but I don’t know you as much as I could still learn over time.

    I recognize in you the strong sense of over responsibility, being afraid that a word you say, an expression maybe (in life outside the forum), any move you make being potentially very powerful in causing disaster for you or for another. Growing up (I call it growing-in) with a … crazy mother does it, we feel we have caused the disaster of her behavior. We get to believe that we have that influence, a bad, dangerous influence, so we think a thousand times before making any move, in fear it will bring disaster… just like it has with her.

    This guy you like so much, I assume he was nice to you and to others every time you saw him, predictable, reliable, trustworthy to be the SAME? How refreshing that is, how attractive safety is, safety in predictability and in softness, in kindness… isn’t it?

    Can you imagine believing finally that you are not that powerful.. that you were not the one who caused your mother’s explosions and end-of-the-world theatrics? Can you imagine that you can say words, let your face express itself any which way, and no disaster is to follow… not having to be so careful, so cautious?

    anita

    #107314
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sann:

    I still can’t read about your mother, it being so close to my story. But from my one and only reading a couple of days ago, I understand something now more completely:

    When I was a very young child there was no ME, there was only WE, as one entity, my mother and I. (I believe this is how it is for everyone). When she acted crazy (wailing, gesturing suicide, threatening homicide, breaking, tearing, screaming, hitting, etc. etc. blaming me for all of it, for hours at a time, into the darkness of the night, until she was too tired to go on), in my young brain it was not a separate person that was going crazy, it was me and the whole world. It was the end of the world and it was me that caused it. I caused me, this unit of mother-self to explode and for the world to end.

    As an adult, all those years, I was afraid to cause the same thing to happen anywhere I go, I was afraid that a word I said, an expression on my face, something I forgot to mention, something I didn’t do but should have, even a thought I had that someone could read, a feeling I had that someone could tell, anything could bring about the world to end. And so I was afraid of thinking what I was supposed to think at any one moment, of feeling or not feeling what I was supposed to.., of doing or not doing…

    This is what I learned. You wanted to ask me questions about my life, maybe you wanted me to share, and so I have.

    anita

    #107498
    Sann
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much for sharing.
    I find it very interesting to read your reflections on it, and to see my reaction to it (of course, I feel guilty for the fact that you are sharing this, because I wanted you to share, as if I provoked that, of course that is your own decision).

    I started to type a reply yesterday and then didn’t post it.
    At the moment I have big difficulties writing anything because I am not very good. It has been building up for the past month, but now the anxiety is taking over, I left work yesterday in a panic attack and go to the doctor now. This just to say that I really appreciate you writing here, even though it is very personal and sensitive for you, and I would like to reply, but at the moment I just don’t feel able.

    Take care of yourself, and talk later πŸ™‚

    #107509
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sann:

    I am so sorry you had that panic attack and hope you get some help seeing the doctor. Sometimes, short term psych drugs are helpful. There was a time in 2012 that I did all I could, therapy, yoga, meditation, lots of exercise daily and all the power of will I could muster, and after a few months I gave up and went back on psych drugs (particularly Klonipin). So I know, at times it seems, there is no other solution. I am off all those drugs now since October 2013, 100% successful in that.

    I very much appreciate you posting the above post just to let me know you intend to continue communicating with me. I thought about you yesterday and this very morning, thinking you might not come back to this thread, or any other simply for being scared. And to my peasant surprise, you are back.

    Unfortunately you are afraid, but that is to be expected, having grown in with a mother like that. You did not harm me at all. I felt distress but I learned something, have a deeper understanding thanks to you. It is not only that you didn’t harm me- you helped me.

    Sure hope you will heal, get better. It is possible, happening for me. Till your next post-

    Take care of yourself and … thank you.

    anita

    #107543
    Sann
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your kind words, and for pointing out that I helped you to understand something. I can never imagine that anybody can learn anything thanks to me, so it is nice to hear that.

    I feel a little bit better at the moment. I have a week off from work so that is nice to get some rest. I went to the sea to swim (cold! πŸ™‚ ), and they were taking wedding photo’s on the beach with a little group of people, i was watching them having fun, and i found it hard to see the moments when they were taking photos of the bride + groom hugging or kissing each other, so off I went into crying again, and a bit later, i was walking towards the water and a woman came up to me to ask if I was ok. I answered her questions (if i have friends or anything) honestly, as a kind of exercise for myself, that I don’t have to hide from people, that i can be honest, and accept their care, i also told her honestly that i found it hard to watch the photoshoot. She sympathised, and i told her not to worry, everyone has it sometimes difficult in life. It was a nice exercise for me in getting real, not performing or not poking the fun with myself (i think it can be good to poke the fun with yourself sometimes, but i have done that way too much). Afterwards i was sitting with a group of people in the garden in the hostel, i just sat quietly and listened to their conversations, and at some moments i joined them, and asked questions and said something about myself, to a person that seemed very nice. Also, that, was a very good exercise, in making contact with someone that looked nice. That is what is bothering me so much, that i always pushed my colleague away and didn’t manage to let him come closer. I still miss him, and it is painful, and i’m still ruminating a lot, or hoping to see him or thinking: should i tell him this or that… I think it is natural, that it will need time to get away. I am telling myself that it is ok, that he was a lovely person who helped me along with some things in my life, and that now it is time to let go – but I think it will need to go gradually, along with having new, nice experiences. But, I am also starting to make tiny little steps to change that pattern, so that is really good. Today I was really happy, because I was sitting there, and aware that I wanted to practise being around people and allowing myself to be there, and I knew: this guy seems nice, I am asking him something (just very general, what work he does), showing interest in somebody, where I usually tend to think: no i don’t have the right to talk to nice people, i am not good enough for that. And then I also shared something from myself, that i want to quit my job and go to volunteer in a buddhist centre for a while. That was also a conscious exercise: I am good enough to take up some space and to say something, and to say that i am having difficulty with this kind of job. Maybe the next time I meet somebody so lovely I might actually be able to just relax and chat with him and create a nice contact with him, and have a bit of trust. Imagine.

    So, thank you for sharing your insight about your mother. It reminds me of the song My Immortal by Evanescence, do you know that one? That still brings very strong emotions to me each time I hear it.
    Still, when somebody, anybody, a stranger even, gets upset or in trouble or in a low mood, I feel responsible, I don’t think anymore, I react immediately, they have a problem so it is MY problem, I have to solve it. So yes, I recognise what you say.

    The doctor told me today: parents do the best they can, they can’t help it, no parent is perfect, and, yes, I understand that, I told her that as well, I’ve spent the main part of my life to understand and excuse my mother. But, I told her, I think it is also time that I give myself some recognition, that I missed certain things in my life and that it has cause me some harm. I am slowly starting to do that, but very carefully, still very insecurely, but I am starting to look at myself as a person that also had/has certain needs who weren’t met. I have a long way to go to learn to see what it did to me and how is still influencing me, but i have started. I find it sometimes irritating when people say that I have to understand parents, that is all good and well, but who is there to understand me, to give me some space in here? Even though, it doesn’t matter how many people would tell me, or maybe do tell me, as long as i don’t accept it myself, i will not take in any of their words.

    With this colleague, you said somebody who was nice to you and others, all the time.. I think that was the case, it was indeed very refreshing to experience this, and I am glad to have met somebody like that actually, somebody who gave me the feeling that I was noticed, that he was still nice when I was locked up in my moods, that he did a little bit of effort to get contact with me. I still think that he gave me a lot of signs that he liked me, and that i often was very distant, and i do feel bad about this. That is why i still have a longing to talk to him honestly, and to tell him how hard I find it to let somebody that i like come closer. But I think i will stop worrying or planning about this, and let the universe go its way, if we are supposed to see each other and talk or whatever, i guess it will happen. But, he wasn’t always nice and predictable, sometimes he was angry or avoiding me (which i interpreted as that he liked me). But it was nice to feel that somebody cared about me, that somebody treated me with warmth and humor, and tried, very carefully to come closer to me. And that i could gradually, over time, try to come closer to him. I feel bad about the suddenness that i stopped, just when we seemed to come a bit closer and to relax a bit more (not that we talked more, but the atmosphere, and both of us, were became so light the last days, and then suddenly i lift). I am afraid that i hurt him, and i am sad that i didn’t give myself the chance to stay a bit longer and to have a bit more of this contact, that i was slowly allowing to open up a little bit to somebody lovely. And I am sad about the way i left, telling him enthousiast about my new job, and not talking to him anymore (he didn’t either), which i couldn’t, i was too overwhelmed with sadness.
    But, ok, things went as they went, i guess there is no point in looking back. Maybe we had experienced together what we needed, maybe i wasn’t ready to get even closer, maybe i needed to learn not to run away from people like that, whatever reason, this is the way it went, so this is ok, i guess. Like a previous group therapist always started with a little exercise, and one of them was having us walking around the room, repeating to ourselves: it is good as it is.
    I guess I have been sad about it, and regretting it for so long now, and being superemotional about it. It is time to find the peace in myself back. I guess I have to let go of him and learn some lessons from this experience. Even though, inside in my heart I am crying and just want to keep clinging to him. That is making more days of my life miserable and that is actually the same thing that i regret having done with him: keeping myself away from happiness and nice experiences. Today i had a nice moment in the garden with some people, if i keep thinking about him, i will not enjoy these experiences, or even the opportunity of making new friends or whatever.
    This experience with him was in the past, i can be grateful for it, i can keep feeling love for him, and i can send intentions into the world, to see him again, and have an open and honest chat with him. But apart from that, i have to focus on doing things and thoughts, that are positive for me, and helping me to live the way i want. He might actually have given me something that I missed with both my parents, especially with my mother, and probably it is normal that we go longin and attaching so much to people like that, because i never had that as a child. But, first of all, i can not make myself dependent on the warmth and predictablility of somebody else, I have to give that to myself. I hope that, if i learn (how do you learn that…) to love myself and treat myself with kindness and compassion, that i won’t get so attached to and desperate for somebody else anymore.
    I assuming, seeing my emotional reaction, for so long, that it was attachment, and not love. That I am mabye not ready for love, that i need to love myself a bit more first and get a bit more grounded in that, and that this has pointed that out for me. So it is probably good for me, to have left now and starting to get this lesson.

    Bweh, sorry for the long ranting again. I seem to think out loud while writing, and writing helps me to talk to myself and to get my thoughs more straight, so while writing and can convince myself a bit more. I am doing a lot of work, the past few days to reframe my thoughts.
    I’ll post it anyway, you never know if it makes any sense πŸ™‚

    Oh yeah, what you wrote, about all your actions, or words or gestures, having a huge potential and dangerous effect on others. I think this is our ego, that has become very big out of fear. It is interesting, I assume that I have the same, because I am always so scared about what i do or say, saying sorry endless times, even when it was actually the other one who did something wrong. But on the other side, I think so lowly of myself, and i think that i am invisible, that i usually think that it doesn’t matter for anyone, what i do or say, that i don’t have any influence on anybody. so i tend to overdo my jokes, or say unmindful things, because i assume that people automatically see that i’m not a real person, that i’m at most a silly little child whose words don’t matter at all. So now I actually need to learn to say that i also have an influence on people and that i need to learn to be more mindful about what i say. That is a contradiction that i find interesting, maybe i will understand later.

    #107544
    Sann
    Participant

    Oh, sorry, it is only after posting that i see how long it is…

    Anita, I also wanted to reply to your post about the medication and anxiety.
    I have taken medication in the past as well, different things. Antidepressants, anti-anxiety and anti-psychotics. But I don’t want it anymore. The doctor was very nice, she told me she’s a psychotherapist as well but doesn’t work as it (i would have loved to have her actually), she told me honestly that she felt double about it, that it can hinder the work with the psychotherapy, but on the other hand if i need to get calm again it might help temporarily. I told her i don’t want medication, i just need some rest. I also said that she is the doctor and i have to listen to her, but i noticed that i was not afraid to tell her my opinion and that was already very nice, that i was taking myself seriously enough (i could also just take her prescription and not buy the pills, but i was honest to her). I think that i am strond and having insights enough now, that i should be able to do without medication. For me, it is mediTation instead. But, I need some time, time to rest and relax, and I need to find a good environment, that works for me. And the current job is not that environment. So I don’t see the point of hurting myself, putting myself in such an unkind place, and numbing it down with medication. I don’t want to critisize you Anita, or anyone else, I am very aware that some conditions, and some times, just need medication, but at the moment I don’t want it anymore. It is such a pity that our society is so focused on money and functioning, that there is not enough possibility to give people the space and time to heal in a more natural way.

    Yes, it is normal that I am anxious. I have learned since I was a child that other people are so important, that they are the ones that matter, and that i don’t. Of course i have needs as well, but i ignore them and push them away. I have done it with work before, and with people, keep going, keep pushing myself to keep functioning, keep pretending and keep everybody happy, for way too long and until i totally fall apart, because that is what i have learned. Give the other people all importance and none to myself. Which is silly, because for example at work, nobody cares that I am sick and what state I am in, nobody is going to give it any thought, for them I am just a tool, and i am not left with the mess inside of myself, because i don’t want to cause them any trouble. Because I am always worrying about the others and never look at myself, and of course i have all these needs and feelings in me, because i am actually a human being as well, of course i get anxious. You can’t keep up, pushing all that away.
    This huge anxiety and panic is actually good, because it is my body and maybe something bigger in me (whatever you’d like to call it), telling me: hey I am here too, pay attention to me, look after me, respect me, do what i need, because i actually also exist and i also breathe. You are not giving me any attention, so i am going to make you give me attention, by going into panic. It might be good that this is happening (which wouldn’t have happened if i had kept my previous job, where i was getting used to the people and doing everything on automatic pilot, and interacting in the same ways, stick to the familiar ways), now i have the opportunity to work on being positive towards myself and appreciating myself (i wanted to write, loving myself but that seems to be a few more steps away, that seems out of reach for now..) and to practise with better ways to do things. So that i can really become happy and not just pottering about. A crisis is a blessing.

    I know that I have a lot of love in me, a lot of peace as well, and by playing so small and negative, i push all of that away. I also think, anxiety is there because i am not allowing that love to come out and to show. I keep pressing and hiding the beauty in me, and the anxiety is maybe the result of shutting all of that down. If i don’t show myself as i am, so also not the many good things in me, i become afraid. I’m not sure how to explain it better, that is something that i am thinking.

    #107556
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sann:

    I very much like the practice you did at the beach and at the hostel garden, talking to people authentically, voicing your feelings, your experiences, participating in a conversation. Please do practice more and more.

    A later topic in your two posts above was medications/ psych drugs. I prefer not taking those and the 17 years I took the common combination prescribed: antidepressants+ anti-anxiety+ anti-pschotics did nothing to improve my mind or my life. In fact things got worse. I figure these drugs are useful in emergencies, short term at times, and that is all.

    As far as the colleague, the title of your thread. I know you reached out to him lately and he didn’t call you back. I am thinking at this point that you may not have the story correctly, that you have been overthinking this so… so much that the truth is not that complicated. In other words, your wishful thinking, needs may have made things look more meaningful than they actually were. It seems to me that there is nothing there, in reality, to long for. I don’t think the answer is in him, the love you need is not there.

    But it is somewhere and the thought of it is exciting for me, that Sann will love and be loved in return. You mentioned me being married a few posts ago. I thought it will never happen. I was almost 50 when I got married. Can you imagine. And 55 before I had a good marriage. So it can happen in your life too, sooner than in mine, I hope.

    Regarding the doctor you saw who told you that “parents do the best they can, they can’t help it, no parent is perfect”- Sann, that’s a lie that a lot of people tell. It is not true. People say it because they are parents and because they don’t want to see the truth of what happened to them as children OR what is happening between them as parents, and the children they have. It is a shame that this lie, this untrue is so popular. It blocked my healing for many years. Abusive parents do not do the best they can. They do their worst because they are not afraid to do their worst with their children. They know the child has nowhere to go, no choice but to stay and take the abuse and … still love them.

    They don’t behave abusively to other adults, most of the time, because they know other adults have options, somewhere else to go and to never talk to them again and tell others about what they did. So they do their best with strangers and their worst with their children.

    I noticed you replied to other threads and I will be reading some of your replies although I only comment on what the original poster posts on any thread. I like it that you reached out even here. Please don’t be discouraged if and when posters don’t come back to their threads and/ or don’t respond to a replier. It happens to me all the time.

    As to the rest of your latest posts here, you are making an interesting point, causing me to think the following as-I-type: we think we have great power to destroy, to harm others but we don’t think we have any power to cause good things to happen. I think it makes sense in that our mothers impressed us with their terrible behaviors, so terrible is what we expect to cause. If our mothers told us how we make them happy, how happy they are that we are in their lives, then we would have grown up believing we have power to cause good things to happen. I hope I make sense to you, further developing your point. See how you are teaching me to see more?

    What a good point.

    I did not address all your points, that about your anxiety and its function. Remind me of it in your next post and I will address that and other points following your next post here. Please do practice and take good care of yourself. I like who you are, I really do. And I see how great a potential you have to be more and more of who you already are, a loving and lovable person.

    anita

    #107575
    Sann
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your reply and your very kind words, again.
    At the moment I am very nervous, my father and his girlfriend are coming to visit me for 2 days and a half, I haven’t seen them in 2 years and I feel a huge pressure to make a good impression. I don’t know how they will be, I have changed a lot since I moved to this country and I am hoping they as well, but they probably won’t. I asked the doctor if she could tell me a disease that would sound believable to explain the sick leave, and she told me just to say the truth. So that is the dilemma now, and I guess that I am going again to making up stories and hiding things, make them look better, trying to avoid their judgments and comments.
    Anyway, this is getting very off topic.
    Why I say this, is that I will reply to you later, in a few days, if I go to much into this, it might get me more into a stressful mind, and I need to relax now for a while, read a newspaper (ha ha!) or a nice book.

    #107583
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sann:

    You wrote that it will be difficult for you to be back to the computer for a while. I hope you are doing well and that you are back. I just read your comment in another person’s thread. I copied it and will paste here changing the pronoun “you” to “I”- it is such a well stated description of how you, Sann, operate:

    “I am hiding myself, or parts of myself… to seem more relatable to others. But I don’t become more relatable to others, because I am not fully there in the contact, and I am always focusing at least a part of my attention on how I come across, how they might perceive me, what they might think of me. And I get more distanced from myself over time, because I focus so much on how to come across on others.”

    Wow! Excellent description.

    As to your latest post on this thread: not surprisingly the same theme regarding the expected visit: “I feel a huge pressure to make a good impression”-

    My comment: practice operating otherwise. First: your father did not protect you from your mother and did a lousy job being a father, so let him see the consequences of his own inactions and actions: let him see the dysfunction in your life, the distress, whatever is true. In that I agree with that doctor: do tell the truth. No stories. That will be progress on your part.

    It doesn’t matter how he reacts, what difference will it make..? There is no benefit to you, that I can tell, for trying to appear like you are doing better than you are. Let the truth be known as is. You owe it to yourself and you do not owe him to protect him from the consequences of his own inactions, for one.

    If he (or his girlfriend) think you should be doing better, well, he should have taken you away from your borderline, violent mother’s custody. He should have done that, if he wanted you to be healthier.

    And you are getting better, Sann. I can read it in your writing. Part of getting better is telling the truth just like you did at the beach, by the sea when a woman asked you if you were okay.

    anita

    #107608
    Sann
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I will reply more fully later. Now it is getting late and I want to try to read a little bit in a novel before going to bed. That’s ages ago and I should start doing relaxing things as well.
    I find this visit highly stressful and alienating, and there are 2 more days + one morning more to come. It is showing me clearly why I am having so much trouble connecting with people (like I had with S, but in general, with people that I like) and with myself.

    I did not tell the truth about my current situation.
    Before I had told them that I had to work Saturday and Sunday and couldn’t get time off. Yesterday on the phone I said that I have a week holiday so that i was free those days. Today, we were eating in a restaurant, the girlfriend went to the toilet and my father asked me ‘they didn’t keep you in that work anymore, do they?’ I got so annoyed with his negative interprations, always immediately thinking that I am not good enough, that I lost my job, that i don’t do well, that i replied to that. I told him that I had asked for a holiday because I am so exhausted from the workload in my previous job, and did they did. But I also told him, why do you always think so negative. Is that only with me, because I am your daughter? And i went on about that for a little while. He doesn’t understand it, and came up with some explanation, but he really doesn’t understand what i mean, and why it is wrong. So i got the same feeling as so often, that I didn’t want to give him the pleasure to let him know that i had ‘failed’ again. I don’t know if that is right, but that is how I feel it. I got so irritated with his negativity, that i decided not to tell the truth and keeping up appearances. I don’t know if that was good or not. But I seem to want to keep in control about him, not allowing him to know that I am ‘weak’ ( which i actually don’t think i am), but giving a more succesful impression.
    It was also annoying that i told them that i live in tent in the garden of the hostel, and i showed them the tent, it’s really tiny, one of those quick hiker tents. They found it ridiculous. But I told them, that that is not my problem. So told me that it is not possible, that i am warm in there in the night. Well, what can i do, i guess she has to think what she wants. So i was honest about that, but with the sick leave i wasn’t. I don’t know if i have to be honest about everything. With such a distant, cold way of behaving, and not feeling any emotional support or emotional space, i don’t see the point. I don’t feel emotionally safe with them, so i hid things.
    Even though it sounds twisted, that i can tell a stranger honestly how it goes with me, and not my father.

    #107618
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sann:

    I think it is okay for you to tell your father and his girlfriend what you want to tell them, truth or not. I suggested the truth thinking you intended to protect him. If your motivation is to protect you, then do what you need to do.

    So that I understand, what is your job situation now? And the tent, are you warm there at night? How is it to live there; how long has it been and how long to be?

    Take care of yourself during this visit which, not surprisingly to me, is not helping you.

    anita

    #107696
    Sann
    Participant

    It seems to be about being real, with them.
    I didn’t tell them about the sickleave, but with other things. Like the tent, it is not the most glamorous house, and they weren’t very impressed, but i told them that i am happy there and that it is their problem if they are not happy.
    The tent, interesting that you ask this, because she told me that it is cold in there, i told here that i am warm and that i even sleep without my clothes and am warm in there. She told me that i was lying. Ok, if she says so.
    So, Anita, yes I am warm in there. I just wish that i tidied a bit more, but that’s something i can work on πŸ™‚
    I have a lovely sleeping bag, and sleep good in there. It’s a few weeks, of course it’s a bit annoying sometimes not to have my own room, but i think it’s a good experience. I learn to find solutions to be alone, and i have to connect with people more, i don’t have a room to hide in, and that’s perhaps quite good for me.

    And the other part about being real, i answered her a few times, which is extremely scary for me, because the rule has always been to shut up and let her have it her way, don’t make her angry, and don’t go against her. Tonight i raised my voice (i don’t really think that it was yelling, i’m not sure of it) and told her i was fed up with her quarrelling. That was a big drama. I am scared for tomorrow. But I think it was a good step, to finally start to stand up for myself. So Anita, you say it is not helping me, but i wonder if that is true. It might be helping me, by breaking some of the patterns. I don’t know. I will probably see a bit more clearly when it is over.
    Thank you so much for your support, Anita.
    Time for bed now.
    I think i am messing up my own thread, when they are back home, i will see if there is somthing else here that is waiting for a reply. Now there is enough to occupy my mind.

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