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Sann

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  • #115728
    Sann
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    You are so kind. I hope to find the space soon to spend some more time here again to read some of your topics. I don’t know if you have written much here but I remember a topic about your healing process that I would love to take the time for to read.
    I do hope that you are doing well and making progress with your healing as well, I think you have done a lot, but perhaps this is something we keep moving and need to keep giving attention?

    Yes, you are right. I forget that easily as well, about the criticizing of others. I think in the beginning it makes me feel good, because my ego likes it that it is not me who is being criticized but somebody else- not something that i’m proud to admit but I believe in self-honesty and awareness. So yes, it is good to be careful and aware when people are strongly criticizing others. That most likely means that they will do the same to me (making me look bad in front of others, either out of truth or not) and it is not a trait that I like. I try not to do it and try to work on acceptance or understanding – haha that sounds good, it’s not that i’m good at it but that’s what I would like to aim for.
    So thank you for pointing that out as well, Anita.

    The place I am talking about is this:

    Home

    #115504
    Sann
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for you kind comment and encouragement.

    I don’t know if interacting is the right word, more connecting, which might be a totally different thing, but that aside.

    I feel a bit guilty about posting here mainly about myself and not replying much to others.
    But on the other side, I’m trying to get back in touch in my own life, because I was getting very out of balance. I’m trying to focus my energy on healing for myself, which is good, and only then, can I be of help for others. (not that that should be my main motivation)

    I’m looking with my therapist about where I can go to help me to heal, we were talking about a certain place and hopefully it will work out to go there – it will cost me a lot of money, and I need to get visums etc, but it seems like a good place that could help me to connect with myself and others again.

    I have huge trust problems. With my host as well. Yesterday I heard him saying something on the phone, about somebody else, quite negative and judgmental. While I have no idea who he was talking about, of course, because it was so negative, I was sure that it was about me. So now I wonder whether I can believe him or if he is just playing a big comedy, and I feel very at unease around him. So, yes, making a big deal about what he says about scones or jam, while my trust issues are on a much bigger level.
    I don’t know if I should stay here, but at the moment I don’t think that leaving is the solution, because there is something to learn form me here. Even if it is only to be less concerned with what other people think of me, and to know myself, regardless of what others are saying. I don’t know if this is good, because I’m still in some state at the moment, and the trust issue is so huge. I’m curious to see how it goes further.
    So yeah, at this moment I don’t feel like interacting much with people here anymore, because once I go towards being suspicious/paranoid, it all becomes blurry and hard to keep control of it. To my own protection, I might choose to not trust people here and keep it very distant. I have no idea..

    #114913
    Sann
    Participant

    And, about the communication with this host.
    I guess it’s about ‘doing what works’.
    I do not feel very well with certain ways of his communication – and I think that was actually playing a part when I wrote this first post here, the fact that I didn’t express to him how I felt about that made me probably go much more into ‘finding fault’-mode – , but I am here for a few months, I guess it is not important enough to put these things right. If he was a friend or my partner it would be different, then maybe it would be more important to let him know that I don’t like certain things. Maybe just let go and focus on the positive things that I have here, to a certain degree – I mean, I guess if it goes too far for my, I need to put some boundary.

    Last week I did choose to tell him that I didn’t like the way he had asked me about my sexual experiences a week earlier. I found it very direct, and I didn’t appreciate it, but found it hard to say in the moment. He first said sorry and then got irritated and said that I should know by now that he doesn’t mean to offend anybody and that he means well. So I told myself, that I shouldn’t have told him that and I should have thought the way he wants me to think.
    But: I did feel uncomfortable, regardless of how he meant it. I find it a struggle to give myself the right to
    1) have boundaries, to acknowledge that I feel uncomfortable with certain things
    2) let the other person know.

    I think it is looking for a balance between not to be bothered about everything and get too hung up on all these little things, and knowing what is important for me, and putting some boundaries in a respectful way.

    I have avoided this ‘social life’ for a long time because I find it so complicated and scary, but it is time to start learning it…

    #114912
    Sann
    Participant

    Dear Anita and Nina Sakura,

    Thank you so much for your kind replies, that feels very warming.

    Anita, yes I think living in this place is working for me, it is a good place with good energy, a lot of meditation and yoga and other things, he had a lot of crystals and does a lot of other spiritual practises, which probably influence the energy of the place in a positive way. I have always been sceptical when people talk about the energy of a place because I usually don’t feel that, but here I notice that I am starting to have a bit more clarity of mind and manage to relax a little bit.
    However I still find it difficult with trusting and believing, which are probably mainly my issues. I tend to overadapt and trying to please, and than to completely lose touch with the way I’m feeling or what I think and then it all gets very messy. It is difficult but I guess that I can expect to get rid of such a strong and deeply rooted patterns in a few weeks. They are being brought to light more here, because it is such a relaxed place here. Facing these things are the first step, but they can be hard and often drive me crazy.

    Nina Sakura, thank you for your encouragement and to put it so nicely πŸ™‚ Haha it is a lot easier to let these demons overpower us, but not very helpful.
    I realise now that the isolated way in which I was living in the past years, has been very unhealthy and damaging for me.
    I will stay with this host for a few more weeks, and next month I will move on to I don’t know where.
    At some point in the next months I need to settle again, and find a place to live and a job and all that. I will need to pay more attention to making connections within the community, meeting more people and finding people that I can trust and relate with. Last week I saw a flyer for a group where people meet about mental health, and I think that might be very good for me, to have a safe place where I can talk about these things and support each other. I even think I might consider the availability of something like that, when I choose the town to live.
    In the meantime, while still travelling and volunteering, I will also have to look after this. Making connections with people and daring to trust them and to express something of myself, in an appropriate way, so that I can get different opinions and inputs that help me to keep a more healthy way of thinking. That is what happened here with writing in Tinybuddha, and I find it easier to be open for what others say on the internet, but I will need to learn to let it happen in real life as well.

    Thank you, I am so grateful for this community of caring people.

    #114909
    Sann
    Participant

    Hi Tammy 9125,

    We are all humans and we all need to learn things in our life, and we all make mistakes and sometimes take on attitudes that are not the most helpful. I don’t know if we are ‘good’ persons or ‘bad’ persons. We are just persons that sometimes do good things and sometimes do bad things – or things who are labelled in such way.

    Would you like to tell us about the way you were arrogant? And do you have an idea why, for exampe, were you trying to meet certain needs within yourself, did you learn it at some point?
    If you don’t like to answer here, maybe it could help you to look at this for yourself.

    #114660
    Sann
    Participant

    Hi all,
    Thank you so much for your replies and support here.
    Sorry for my late reply, I found it hard to come back here and reply, because I felt embarrased, like I did make a drama out of nothing.
    I think it might have been a too ‘mistrusting’ attitude from my side. The idea that people lie to me and fool me around.
    I think it might be good to let go of it more. Accept that he means well and that I will never be able to know somebody else’s thoughts a 100%. Some other people had given me some feedback about the jam, and indeed they found that it wasn’t the best. But, he is a man and he isn’t too much into this kind of cooking, so he is less critical anyway. Even if he says he likes it and then doesn’t eat it, and maybe didn’t really mean it, I think that I might do myself more service by not obsessing so much if somebody is totally honest to me all of the time, which is probably not very realistic.

    @Anita, I think that I did say something like that I appreciate that he is honest so that I can learn. He knows that, and he often says it. He still usually says that he likes my food, and I notice that I tend not to believe him. My experience has also told me, that as long as I’m in this state of mind (not believing somebody if they say something positive), it is no use to ask them what they really think, because I won’t believe the answer anyway.

    @LakshmiPC, I also used to be more honest when I was younger, probably more bluntly, and indeed that doesn’t get appreciated. I actually think that it might not be worth it, only with people that I’m close to or really like, is it maybe good to be honest.
    My host is probably honest about big things indeed. Yes it is interesting how people often ask for honest opinion and then get defensive if you do say so. It seems to be so hard, or we haven’t learned how to communicate properly..?

    @Nina Sakura, thank you for sharing how you go about it. And, thank you for helping me to see things a bit in perspective, in a very nice way πŸ™‚
    I think that I was begin petty, and indeed overly conscious. I tend to over-analyse things, and this was probably a good example of that.

    #112169
    Sann
    Participant

    Hi anita and miniature boddhisattva
    Thank you for your kind and encouraging replies.
    Now i feel my question was silly because so evident, but well, it’s about something i’m learning at the moment and i’m glad i’m learning this. Thank you both for clarifying it a bit more πŸ™‚

    #111632
    Sann
    Participant

    (and to be honest, I find it difficult to answer my own question. I am curious about others’ views on this. I will try later, in a few days when i have time, to write some of my own ways, because it seems harder than i thought to put it down in written words.)

    #111630
    Sann
    Participant

    Hi Nekoshema,

    That is indeed a positive post, nice to read!
    Exciting to move into an amazing apartment, how is it going there?
    And how did it go with the interview, did you get the job, and are you liking it?
    It also sounds like a nice job to me, I love the smell of coffee and to let people enjoy a relaxing moment for themselves or with friends/family… I am actually also thinking to do a barista course to be ablo to find a job in a nice coffee bar.

    Still have some work to do involving emotional growth, but, it’s only February after all.

    But, hey, it’s life after all, I think we might always find ways to work on ourselves with emotional growth.
    Ok, you problably mean that you still have some issues you want to deal with, but I’m sure you get there, how are you doing with that?

    We are now over the half of the year, but, never too late for resolutions and changes, is it?
    For me, I have also a lot of work involving emotional growth on many different ways, finding out what I want to do with my life, find a way to settle down, find a place to live again and a way to earn my money without making myself crazy, finding friends, and many other things.
    But the resolution that I am trying to follow now, I am trying to do on a smaller level. Little things might make a profound base for something better, and might add up to a bigger change, something like that, I don’t know.
    One of my main difficulties, is that I find it hard to look after myself, with which I mean, making time for myself, to just relax, or to do things that I enjoy, or to do things that help me to learn.
    So, thanks to a conversation with a kind person, and his suggestion, I make a goal to spend 20 hours per week on doing that kind of things. I plan on a number of things, for example this number of hours reading in this book, or in that, this amount of time to spend in walking outside and learning from nature, learning new plants etc, to watch a movie (it is even hard to make time to watch a movie just to spend 2 hours to enjoy myself), etc. At the moment I come from a time where I was very exhausted, and with way too much emotions, and as a result my mind is messed up, I am finding it hard even to focus on reading a novel, so I plan more time for that, just to read to relax and enjoy the story.
    I have so much time at the moment, and never even get to 20 hours per week. It is a hard habit to break. But I keep writing my goals, and keep writing each day what I have done from it. It might take a while before it is easy to spend that time on myself, but I will get there.
    It might seem silly, something so simple. But with so much anxiety and self-sabotating and self-neglect, I think it is one of the most important resolutions for me at the moment. Teaching myself the habit of doing good things for myself, conditioning myself to learn that that helps me to feel better and relaxed. And other challenges, like I listed above, might be helped hugely from learning this.

    How are other people getting on with their resolutions, if you have any?

    #111615
    Sann
    Participant

    Why are you drinking? What is drinking giving you, that makes it more attractive for you to keep drinking? It costs you loads of money, takes away all your energy and health, is destroying your relationship, is blocking your future (how is school going to work, with all the drinking?). Even though you know all these things and you want it differently, there is something that makes you keep going back to the bottle. What does it for you? What pain are you numbing with drinking, what are you running away from with drinking…?
    Do you have an idea about that?

    Sorry to hear about your dad. You mention it randomly, between 2 other facts, how is that for you, did you have time to mourn, do you have somebody to support you with that? You sound quite young, since you are talking about going to school, did you have a good relation with your father? It is always hard to lose a parent.

    Good that you have gotten in contact with a therapist. I hope it will work between you 2, and give it some time to connect and for the therapy to work, don’t expect miracles too soon.

    Are you able to talk with your boyfriend, to tell him how you feel about these destructive habits, and how you want to change them?

    You mention 2 good things that you stopped doing: eating healthy and working out. And you are doing more of what is not good for you, drinking.
    Can you see a way of changing the balance in that. Maybe by gradually re-introducing the healthy things. For example going for a few good walks each week, going to the gym, joining a sports team, depending what you like. As well as with the food. I have found that for me it doesn’t work to forbid myself to eat anything unhealthy anymore. But it works to focus on eating more healthy. Maybe gradually, maybe start with one healthy meal per day, or adding a salad to one meal per day. Something that seems possible for you and that you wouldn’t quit after one week.. I don’t know. Maybe this is not what works for you, maybe you need to change things drastically for a few weeks, so that you can see the positive impact and that might be a stronger motivater for you. You know yourself best, or maybe not, and then you want to try out ways,to get to know yourself better.

    As well as increasing the healthy habits, what kind of things do you like to do, what do you enjoy? Are you doing any of those now? Can you take some steps to take some time each day, to do something you like?

    You say you hate who you are. That is a horrible feeling. If you feel that way, it will be very hard, to stay away from drinking, and to be nicer to your boyfriend. You have to love yourself. I don’t think that you really hate yourself, but you hate the person that you are becoming with the destructive habits and behaviors. That is not YOU. The you inside, beyond the drinking and abusing, wants to be happy, wants to be better, that is why you have gotten in touch with a therapist, why you want to go to school, why you want to save your relation, why you are asking for help here.
    But you have to feed the real you, the human with beautiful qualities. By doing healthy things, by doing things that make you happy, by doing things that you find important, by showing yourself that you can be good for others as well, that you can relate with others in a positive way.. Don’t just sit there and be disgusted by the persona that is there now with the destructive behaviors. Learn to do things to look after yourself.

    I’m also wondering what you can do to restrain yourself from getting abusive to your boyfriend. Because this needs to stop. It is hurting him, driving him further away from you, and it is feeding more into your self-hatred.
    Learning to see it coming up BEFORE you get abusive, and stopping yourself, i don’t know. But you write that you get abusive when you drink, do you only do it when you drink?

    Hmm, sorry I kept rambling on, and i don’t know if much makes sence.
    Well done for writing to the therapist, and for looking for help here, that are already 2 steps you took to make a start for the change. You can congratulate yourself for that.
    Good luck, and be welcome to keep writing here, of it helps you.
    Be kind to yourself.

    #111197
    Sann
    Participant

    Hey Kimani,
    I have to admit that I didn’t read the whole topic because I am very tired, hope to read it later.
    But I wanted to ask, if you have read books of Caroline Myss? At the moment I am just reading her book ‘Sacred Contracts’, which is also drawing further upon the theory of Archetypes, (but i’m not that far yet, that is why the content of your post is still quite ‘alien’ for me). So perhaps that might be interesting for you, in case you hadn’t heard of it yet.

    So, if i understand well, the relationship between the archetypes and the disorders is your part, that doesn’t come from Jung?
    On how much sources do you base this idea?
    How much study of all these disorders did you do for that?

    For example, can you explain me why you say that people with Borderline personality disorder, have an impulsive, manipulative nature?

    I’m not trying to critisize or ridicule anything, I would like to understand more where you come from.

    I might have other things to say as well, maybe when I have read more in the book to help me understand and reflect more on things.

    #107998
    Sann
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much for your kind words.
    I was actually already thinking how emberassed I am to write all my stuff here on the internet, and that i wanted to try to delete the whole thing. And your words encourage me to keep writing here.
    I was just writing a long reply to you, but i don’t know if i feel very comfortable with writing such a personal things on the internet. At the same time, i would like to keep writing with you, because I find it very interesting and helpful. And I don’t know if anybody else beside me or you is reading this. So i was wondering if you would like to communicate further in an other way. I don’t think there is an option here to exchange personal messages, so i don’t know what you think about that?

    I keep my reply for now in an offline document, and i think i might need some time to reflect on your question about the last part anyway.

    #107969
    Sann
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes, it is probably good for me to live in the tent in the hostel for a while. To have more chance to interact with people and to practice, but also to practice more with taking my own space. Not to feel obliged to interact with people when i don’t feel like it or with people who live here as well. Not to react to what i think are their expectations: if i want to be in my own space, maybe that is good as well.

    The fear, yes you have a point there. We survived it many times in the past, and now we are adults, we have more power over ourselves and over the way we view the experience of rejection or being attacked by somebody. We can learn to view it as a reaction of them, not a reality about us. That is something to practice with.

    Today i decided to go to my previous workplace, because i still hadn’t received a certain document, and i wanted to ask for the reference. I was afraid to go there and see the people (to see the person who this topic is about), i was afraid to see the boss, and i was afraid to ask for the reference, afraid that they might laugh at me or say no or something (ideas that my fear makes up in my head and that i consider then as reality). There are 3 bosses, and i thought that the female one was the most reliable, the 2 men might be more likely to forget. And i know that she usually works on Wednesday. She is also the one that i was most scared of, because she yelled at me when i gave my notice. So when i was considering, should i go today or tomorrow, i realised: i am so scared of her, it is better to go today to see her, to deal with my fear.
    To make it harder, when i was walking towards there, telling myself that today i will finally go, the car of this colleague just past me. I only saw his numberplate, didn’t dare to raise my hand or smile. So that made my heartbeat already go up like crazy. I was sitting in the park for on hour, observing the fear in my body, how my heart was getting crazy, how my limbs were heavy and tensed… Then i decided to just go, even with my fear, i saw her, went to talk to her, and she explained me why she doesn’t have the document. Then i asked her for a reference and she answered vaguely that it is ok. So it wasn’t bad or terrible at all. I find these kind of experiences very demanding, later i got back in the hostel and people were probably trying to be nice and i got back into paranoidness. But i hope, by doing more of these things, the fear might get lower or i might get more in control of it. It feels more liberating to feel the fear and not pushing it away. I guess this was a good example how the fear was there, probably originated from my childhood and then being fed for so many years by my own way of thinking, and how i can choose to allow the fear and do what i want to do anyway. I don’t want to let myself be restricted by my fear anymore.

    And i’d still like to come back to the original title of my topic. I feel so bad about ignoring him so often, keeping away, looking away from him. I just read an other post here, where the person was angry about a girl treating him like that, and i realise: i have done that a lot to him as well, while he has been very nice and attentive. I guess that it is best to give up my expectations, or hopes for further contact in any way, and let him go, don’t try to mess with him anymore if it so difficult for me to respond to contact. But, some people have told me the past days: we have to forgive ourself. Maybe that is what i need to do in this situation, forgive myself for hurting myself and for pushing him away. Understand myself and be compassionate. I know that it is extremely hard for me and that i am not used to this, and that i just didn’t know how to respond. That i tried to change this pattern in my clumsy way and that it often didn’t work like i wanted to. The main thing is that i can learn something out of it. I need to be nicer with myself, spend more energy on self-care, and be more aware of how i feel around people – especially nice people because then is when the fear and the pushing away are the most strongest. But it is hard, because when the ‘danger’ of having somebody nice come closer, is the greatest, then my fear gets so overwhelming that it plays tricks with my mind. I seem to be putting myself in some kind of a psychosis, of a trance, and it is hard to see reality. For the whole year that i worked there, i was trying to fight thoughts that everybody there thinks i’m a stupid thing and too much – of course i was glad to leave when i got the chance. But the thing is, people probably didn’t think like that, but these ideas get so persistent in my head, because it is a situation where i see people daily, so getting quite close.
    Maybe the next time i will recognise easier if somebody is real and nice, and maybe i will manage to respond a bit better. In any case, i have learned to see something from this, to identify a certain pattern that is very strong, and that is probably valuable. I still hope that, if i do decide to leave this town, that i get to see him before i leave, talk with him, say some things, look him in the eyes and be honest. But i don’t know if that might happen. And he might not even be interested at all in talking with me anymore. But i want to be nice to myself and know that i am not perfect, nor supposed to be, and that i need to give myself time to learn these things, they are not easy, and certainly not for somebody who is used to so much rejection and being ignored – first by my parents, then even much more, by myself.

    Well, it is easy to say, forgive myself, but i find it difficult. Difficult to let go of the regret that i didn’t do it differently, difficult to think that i acted in an annoying way towards him. I guess that is where many of my problems originate: attachment. To emotions, to thoughts, to the past, to people, to ideas… Maybe that is because of fear, fear of being in myself and in my own power. I don’t know.

    #107784
    Sann
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Ok, thank you, so I will write in my thread without re-reading if something you said needs a reply πŸ™‚

    About the tent: well, some people tell me that i need a house to live in. And I think: i should just tidy it a bit and then it will be much nicer. But, the way I feel it at the moment: the tent makes that i don’t really have a space to live in comfortable, and not a space to hide myself in. And i am so upset these days, so exhausted and emotionally desperate. It might be good this way because it makes it a bit easier to seek or accept support from other people. Because I am crying so much and can’t hide it. Today a nice girl came to me and gave me a hug, and i sat down with her and talked with her for a few moments. That might be much more valuable then having a nice appartment for myself. Ok, if i had an appartment, maybe i had more space to take care of myself more, practise more self-compassion and do things for myself, but now i am actually showing myself in the state that i feel so broken and lost, and accepting their support. That is something new, and might be good. Because i feel most desperate about the huge distance between me and other people.

    Today i felt awful, i find it difficult to be with them. I wonder if i am too demanding, if i expect too much from my father. As if the world revolves around me and all the attention needs to go to me. But maybe it is the opposite, i feel that it is so distant and cold, and i find it hard to deal with. I find it hard to get some attention, to be heard and i don’t know if that is normal.
    This noon, after having a coffee, i said that i was tired and wanted to go home and rest for an hour. Because i felt so drained from being with them. So that was a good reaction, to take some time for myself and give myself a little bit of space. And this evening, in the restaurant, after we’d finished eating and were just sitting there, nobody saying anything, looking around in silence, i had already gone outside a few times. I said that i wasn’t feeling well and wanted to go home. I don’t think it was nice to do, because they still went to the bar without me, but, ok, i found it so hard to deal with the atmosphere there, that i took care of myself. Instead of them.

    And to come back to the reason why i started this topic.
    Haha, i caught a glimpse of him today, when we were sitting on a terrace and he was walking in our direction (and then crossed the street). And i wished i could just go to him, smile and hug him, and talk with him.
    I wonder, what do i feel for him, do i really like him or is it a need, is it an attachment. Or is it projection, because i saw some signals that i interpreted als interest towards me, and because he was so nice towards me, that i started to like him. But that’s not entirely true, he is a very sensitive person, and i can’t remember ever feeling so light and so calm around somebody. That is maybe more valuable than not having had many conversations with him – i have to respect that connection and not playing him down.
    I have tried something – maybe clumsy and different than i would have wanted it – to make some contact, without really reply. If i was a different person, with more self-regard, i might do more effort, insisting more. But, i guess i have to respect the huge insecurity about myself, and that i am afraid to impose myself, the feeling that i don’t have anything to offer (even thought it might be untrue, this is how i feel), so i stop making contact. My head is still too busy looking for explanations about what he things about me, that i have messed it up, that he always acted towards me. That is not healthy.

    I feel that it is only the past few days that i am a little bit calmer about him. Seeing that missing him and longing for him so much is not going to help at all. That i have to let it go – nice expressiong but how do you do that?
    I have asked the universe that i still hope to have some contact, to have the chance to talk about some things with him, or give him a hug like i have wanted for so long. To see him again. But, myself, i will have to focus again on the person that matters the most in my life: myself. I have neglected myself quite a bit, and that is why i am so low now.

    My collegue gave me some things, a way of contact, a feeling together, a feeling of being seen, a feeling that i mattered and i can be grateful for that.
    And i learned some things from it. I learned, that i need to change the pattern of pushing people away. I am already doing effort to work on it, here with people in the hostel. NOw with the visit of my father, i can see that i reacted towards this guy, in a very similar way as my father does towards me. That is very painful.
    And frustrating as well, because i don’t and didn’t want to react like that. I feel i messed it up with him. So i guess, if i try to see it positive, this was a good lesson, to what i want to change in myself. This pushing people away is not only with him of course, but him it was the most painful. I do it also with other people, and that is why i don’t have friends. And now with the visit of my father, it shows me quite clearly why i am so stuck with other people.
    So it is probably a good experience, it gives me the opportunity to work on something, something that i really want to change, and the pain is hopefully a good motivation to really do some effort.
    And that i need to stop thinking so much, and to feel in the moment. Because that is also what blocked our contact.
    Missing him.. Ok that will take some time and i will need to learn to feel those feeling, with the mindfulness practice.
    It might be more an image that i was putting about him, than really missing who he is, since i don’t know him.
    No, i want to give myself the right to miss somebody instead of downgrading it by analyzing.

    I just want to remind myself, that there are more nice people. That it will be possible to meet other men where i feel good with, that he is not the only one. How much that i would have liked to become i bit closer with him (as friends or more), i hope that i will meet other men where i feel good around. To be around him and just being able to relax completely, and being able to think a bit more easily, that was very nice to experience. But it can’t be that he is the only man in the world, where i will feel like that. It will probably be good for me to meet more different people. Now i feel too exhausted to feel anything anymore, expect despair.

    But, just like i need to stop longing to get emotional support from my father (which is easier to know mentally than emotionally), i need to stop longing for my ex-colleague (the same between brackets, easy to know with my mind than with my feeling, will come with time). And stop wishing that i was still working there, and being around him. This emotional crisis is probably good, because now i have the chance again, to confront and heal some things inside of myself.

    I think i just need a bit of rest, from all these emotions. It’s been a bit too much, the past weeks.

    #107696
    Sann
    Participant

    It seems to be about being real, with them.
    I didn’t tell them about the sickleave, but with other things. Like the tent, it is not the most glamorous house, and they weren’t very impressed, but i told them that i am happy there and that it is their problem if they are not happy.
    The tent, interesting that you ask this, because she told me that it is cold in there, i told here that i am warm and that i even sleep without my clothes and am warm in there. She told me that i was lying. Ok, if she says so.
    So, Anita, yes I am warm in there. I just wish that i tidied a bit more, but that’s something i can work on πŸ™‚
    I have a lovely sleeping bag, and sleep good in there. It’s a few weeks, of course it’s a bit annoying sometimes not to have my own room, but i think it’s a good experience. I learn to find solutions to be alone, and i have to connect with people more, i don’t have a room to hide in, and that’s perhaps quite good for me.

    And the other part about being real, i answered her a few times, which is extremely scary for me, because the rule has always been to shut up and let her have it her way, don’t make her angry, and don’t go against her. Tonight i raised my voice (i don’t really think that it was yelling, i’m not sure of it) and told her i was fed up with her quarrelling. That was a big drama. I am scared for tomorrow. But I think it was a good step, to finally start to stand up for myself. So Anita, you say it is not helping me, but i wonder if that is true. It might be helping me, by breaking some of the patterns. I don’t know. I will probably see a bit more clearly when it is over.
    Thank you so much for your support, Anita.
    Time for bed now.
    I think i am messing up my own thread, when they are back home, i will see if there is somthing else here that is waiting for a reply. Now there is enough to occupy my mind.

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