Need to change myself completely…

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    I need to change myself completely. I’ve struggled with alcohol for years and can’t put down the bottle. My wonderful supportive boyfriend of 6 years is so sick of my abusive,violent and unpredictable tendencies when I drink. I lost my dad in Feb. I’m starting school in September. I feel so lost. I’m eating horribly, stopped working out and drinking almost every night. I hate who I am. Every ounce of me. I have messaged a therapist but I want to also take some steps for myself I can do to revamp who I am.

    Please help:(


    Dear cosmoslullabye:

    Write a few rules for yourself, such as
    1. I will not drink alcohol.
    2. I will not abuse my boyfriend.

    Just these two and every day you keep them, write the date these were kept on the correct line.

    Do what you have to do to keep these two rules, AA, therapy, whatever needs to be done. But keep these two rules as if your life depends on keeping them. Just these two.



    Why are you drinking? What is drinking giving you, that makes it more attractive for you to keep drinking? It costs you loads of money, takes away all your energy and health, is destroying your relationship, is blocking your future (how is school going to work, with all the drinking?). Even though you know all these things and you want it differently, there is something that makes you keep going back to the bottle. What does it for you? What pain are you numbing with drinking, what are you running away from with drinking…?
    Do you have an idea about that?

    Sorry to hear about your dad. You mention it randomly, between 2 other facts, how is that for you, did you have time to mourn, do you have somebody to support you with that? You sound quite young, since you are talking about going to school, did you have a good relation with your father? It is always hard to lose a parent.

    Good that you have gotten in contact with a therapist. I hope it will work between you 2, and give it some time to connect and for the therapy to work, don’t expect miracles too soon.

    Are you able to talk with your boyfriend, to tell him how you feel about these destructive habits, and how you want to change them?

    You mention 2 good things that you stopped doing: eating healthy and working out. And you are doing more of what is not good for you, drinking.
    Can you see a way of changing the balance in that. Maybe by gradually re-introducing the healthy things. For example going for a few good walks each week, going to the gym, joining a sports team, depending what you like. As well as with the food. I have found that for me it doesn’t work to forbid myself to eat anything unhealthy anymore. But it works to focus on eating more healthy. Maybe gradually, maybe start with one healthy meal per day, or adding a salad to one meal per day. Something that seems possible for you and that you wouldn’t quit after one week.. I don’t know. Maybe this is not what works for you, maybe you need to change things drastically for a few weeks, so that you can see the positive impact and that might be a stronger motivater for you. You know yourself best, or maybe not, and then you want to try out ways,to get to know yourself better.

    As well as increasing the healthy habits, what kind of things do you like to do, what do you enjoy? Are you doing any of those now? Can you take some steps to take some time each day, to do something you like?

    You say you hate who you are. That is a horrible feeling. If you feel that way, it will be very hard, to stay away from drinking, and to be nicer to your boyfriend. You have to love yourself. I don’t think that you really hate yourself, but you hate the person that you are becoming with the destructive habits and behaviors. That is not YOU. The you inside, beyond the drinking and abusing, wants to be happy, wants to be better, that is why you have gotten in touch with a therapist, why you want to go to school, why you want to save your relation, why you are asking for help here.
    But you have to feed the real you, the human with beautiful qualities. By doing healthy things, by doing things that make you happy, by doing things that you find important, by showing yourself that you can be good for others as well, that you can relate with others in a positive way.. Don’t just sit there and be disgusted by the persona that is there now with the destructive behaviors. Learn to do things to look after yourself.

    I’m also wondering what you can do to restrain yourself from getting abusive to your boyfriend. Because this needs to stop. It is hurting him, driving him further away from you, and it is feeding more into your self-hatred.
    Learning to see it coming up BEFORE you get abusive, and stopping yourself, i don’t know. But you write that you get abusive when you drink, do you only do it when you drink?

    Hmm, sorry I kept rambling on, and i don’t know if much makes sence.
    Well done for writing to the therapist, and for looking for help here, that are already 2 steps you took to make a start for the change. You can congratulate yourself for that.
    Good luck, and be welcome to keep writing here, of it helps you.
    Be kind to yourself.


    Hi cosmoslullabye,

    It’s been a week since your post so I hope you’re doing ok and checking in here. I relate to your struggle. I know how easy it is to drink when you feel like everything is going wrong. Even though you KNOW it’s contributing to your problems, it’s still so tempting to just drink “tonight, and stop tomorrow” just to numb out and opt out of dealing with things for a little longer. While I don’t know you, I would guess that you actually don’t need to change yourself completely, you simply (though not really simple at all, I know) need to stop drinking. I don’t know any of the science behind it, but I know from my own personal experience – drinking regularly and a lot puts a fog over you. This veil of depression and you start seeing everything with a sh** colored filter. It is so hard in the beginning to stop. I had no physical dependence and I hope that is also the case for you. But for me, just the first few days were the hardest as it had become such a HABIT to come home and drink way too much. But after those first few days I honestly felt so much better. You might find it helpful to focus on the simple things that will come with not drinking…how it feels to go to bed sober and actually get a good night’s sleep and wake up with a clear head in the morning!!! Being in control of your actions and reactions to people and events, rather than have everything clouded by drunkeness. Feeling PROUD of the decisions you are making and actually getting things done rather than always having the excuse of having had too much to drink so you can’t do anything. It’s these things that once you start actively not drinking motivate you to continue on. I’ve also found recovery blogs helpful, especially this one.
    There might be a long list of things you want to change and do and accomplish, but I truly think the first one is to get your drinking under control. Not even saying you can NEVER drink again. Just do it consciously. Know why you are drinking and really check in with yourself and decide if it is really what you want and if it is going to help get you anywhere you want to be. And know that over time, steady drinking really can cause your brain chemistry to change. So a lot of these depressed feelings you’re struggling with could be alleviated by taking a break from the booze. Just try it and see how you feel and what changes for you. It might be uncomfortable at first (*very*) as you are FINALLY confronted with all the crap you are trying to run from by drinking. But know that this is growth and progress and makes you STRONG and it is better to deal with these things now than in 10 more years of drinking with 10 more years of problems added on top.

    Good luck to you, I hope you post again.



    Dear cosmoslullabye,

    First, I want to applaud you by taking that huge step towards healing, that is, through therapy. It shows that you do indeed care about yourself and the people around you. You’ve already got half of the problem figured out: that you need help. And there is nothing wrong in getting help. Honestly, I think if everyone had the money and resources, everyone should get therapy so that they can continue to actively improve themselves. What a more beautiful world that would be if everyone was constantly working on themselves, in hope for a better change not only for themselves, but for the world!

    My other advice to you is to focus on one issue at a time, preferably with a therapist who is an expert in the area. One issue, one day at a time. Slowly, you will see that with hope and faith, you can make this world a more beautiful place. I’m so proud you took the step towards healing yourself. 🙂


    Good on you for taking steps to get better , best of luck 🙂

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