Dear Chau:

I like your latest post, there is an emotional understanding in it. Here it is: “”hurt when I am with her”- you remember you felt hurt when you were with her. You remember a feeling of safety and you remember a feeling of hurt, both. And this is key in emotional learning, remember both, not just one. Put the two together in your brain and keep them together. This way whenever you feel a longing to that feeling of safety, you immediately have accessible to you the memory of hurt when you were with her.

The feeling of safety associated with her is not based on reality anymore, not for a long time. She may have been safe in potential, for you at one time, but in practicality, she is not safe. You just feel that way and that feeling leads you to believe she is safe. Until you access the memory of hurt, the hurt still in you.

When you feel safe thinking of her and that is likely to happen again, when you are tired, distressed, lonely (when in need of comfort, of safety), what it means is.. just that: you need the comfort of feeling safe. That is all it means. Not that she is where safety is, only that you need safety.

anita