Dear miniaturebodhisattva:

The ex friend’s assertion that you do not contact him – you have to respect that very clear assertion: “leave me alone” and “Don’t ever contact me again.”

These are the last words he communicated to you, therefore they are still in effect. If you initiate contact with him by smiling at him or speaking to him, you are disrespecting his assertion and that is wrong to do. See, his assertion is reasonable, to not wanting contact. It is not unreasonable or abusive.

He was obviously very distressed when he said those things but he meant them. If he didn’t mean them he would have sent you a different message in the year that passed since and he would have approached you at the temple this last time you saw him. (He was distressed I am guessing because he feels very uncomfortable with tears, with clingy emotions and the Buddhist principle of detachment and non-clinginess is probably very, very attractive to him. Him being gone from the temple for a whole year indicates to me how indeed distressed he was).

So, I wouldn’t smile to him or talk to him unless he smiles and talks to you first (and then it is your choice whether to reciprocate or not). Of course if you did want to scare him away from the temple, the thing for you to do would be to talk to him, smile to him and be as friendly and even romantic with him… but that would be an evil plan, and I wouldn’t do it.

As to how you can endure this distraction, this occupation that is not congruent with the teachings and spirit of the temple? Use it as an opportunity to grow, to heal. First accept how you feel when he is there and in between, wondering if he will show up next or not. Accept it every time and take deep breaths, calm yourself, return to calm again and again. He is a distraction just like any other distraction during meditation. Deal with it the same way.

anita