Me Venting About My Ex But Also Looking For Advice

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July 10, 2016 at 7:53 pm #109334
Shane
Participant
Let me just get this out the way because about 3 weeks ago my girlfriend of 5 months made a move that broke my heart, She left but made me break up with her, I know that sounds weird and I’ll try to explain it by giving details. A little bit before that she told me about her guy friend, they used to talk and he was coming down to Florida, Where she is. We joked a little about how he had no job but was coming down there just to see her and I said I trust you, I think you’ll enjoy yourself go ahead. She told me she respected me for trusting her so much, right before I told her she could go she told me that if I said no she wouldn’t go. For a while I blamed myself, I can’t really explain it, I’ve fallen for an 18 year old and we’ve shared so much in a short time and its a long distance relationship. I’m 22 and I live in Texas, I’m supposed to be moving an hour away from where she stays in a little over a month and a half for school and I’m scared.

She called me a few days after it happen, We really hadn’t been talking and I found it weird at first but I thought it just was because she was going through something with her mom and stepdad at the time, Its odd I feel exactly how her stepdad feels right now. It wasn’t early but I was just getting up from a nap, We texted a little and I could tell something was wrong, I didn’t ask, I called. We joked a little and she told me she had to talk to me about something serious and I froze up a little because my gut knew. When she said that she kissed him I wanted to throw up, I could take it but I wanted to throw up. I hoped that was it, I wouldn’t stay with a cheater and then she told me that was it and I was so relieved. I remember telling her thank you for telling me it took strength and then I said I have to go think about some things.

She texted me saying she was okay with whatever decision I made but she would always remember what she did. I forgave her and she said she didn’t know what she wanted anymore and she didn’t know herself I think it was. She wanted room and I gave her that, I texted her telling her we had to talk because I felt it wasn’t fair to me. I felt sorry that she was even in that position but I knew she was upset because she told me she was upset I didn’t have a reaction. I don’t know how to react to that. I forgave her because thats what I wanted to do, I wanted to go to Florida and I wanted to do and be everything we promised. I wanted to let her hear me cry but I couldn’t let myself cry, I couldn’t break down, I was too strong for that. She said she loved me, that I didn’t deserve what she did, I said I did want a relationship and she said she don’t know what she wanted. I could’ve asked more questions but I didn’t because I knew it’d hurt her more than me.

This is where the pain starts, Where I’m looking over at the sunset behind where I worked, Holding my tears back and she says she has to go in before her mom comes and asks and I end the conversation before she can say bye. We sent a few texts to say goodbye, made a promise that if I ever needed to talk while I was there she’d answer and that was that. I cried myself to sleep, woke up the next morning and tried to act like nothing was weird and I broke down. I had to go home, I felt like crying, fighting, I didn’t know what I felt. I felt like nothing when I was going to sleep, I stared at the wall until the headache subsided enough to put me to sleep while the tears built up on my pillow.

Now the big fear I have about relationships is people leave, their feelings change so I don’t get in them, I don’t want to be in someones life only for them to push me away when they get scared or think they’ll change. I’ve been in 3 and all have ended the same way for me, They leave, Either for another boy or girl or themselves. We had this joke that exes can’t be friends and now we’re not and it hurts. It hurts that I let someone in again, The last girl I seriously dated for about 2 years was on and off, I thought I deserved her but I didn’t, I deserved better, Not someone that would sleep around because I wasn’t there. I hurt so much I stayed away from a romantic relationship for a year and a half, I couldn’t move past it but I met this girl and some kind of way she made me have hope that one day all the time we were apart we could spend together.

I want to move past her but everytime I think of my school now, I think of her, I think of her texting me right after the break up when I texted her telling her that I couldn’t just be friends with her that I’d let her know when I could and she said just come for school. I remember I said I’m not talking about school and she repeated herself and I remembered 2 nights before I asked her if I bought the ticket would she be there for me she said just come for school. I didn’t say anything but eternally I knew it wasn’t something that I could change. I let it go so to speak but I miss her, I miss her laugh, I miss the names she called me, I miss falling asleep with her on the mic, I miss us arguing. I’m not trying to make it seem perfect, I’m just trying to vent and hold on to that little mustard seed of hope I keep almost losing you know.

I don’t what I want next or now or ever, I still cry at random parts of my day, I still wake up and go to sleep thinking about her and what I could’ve done if I could but I don’t want to feel how I feel anymore. I might not know what love is but I know what is not, its not me being scared of moving because she’s gone, Its not me staring at my phone hoping she’ll text back after I invited her to a Party chat a week and a half ago and its not me obsessing over what I can’t change. I don’t know if I’ll ever hear from her again, that hurts the most, I don’t know what’ll happen in the short time I have left at home or what’ll happen when I move, who will I meet but it doesn’t matter. None of it matters probably. The last time my heart was broken and I missed that girl, I prayed for her to come back, I practically begged. I won’t do that again because I love me, you don’t have to, I don’t want to force open my ribs to let you back in if you would break my heart to get out and push me out of your life.

She made the mistake, I get that, I still want her, I still feel something, I feel love and anger and everything and nothing. There’s a lot of questions that are still unanswered for me, I still feel like trash, like no one else will ever love me and maybe thats true but I will. I don’t want to tell anyone else my secrets, I don’t want to tell anyone else those words but if I’m lucky enough to not give in to thoughts of hopelessness before it happens then I hope that she would see me before I see someone else.
- This topic was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Shane.
July 11, 2016 at 9:56 am #109403

Anonymous
Guest

Dear shanola:

You wrote: “Now the big fear I have about relationships is people leave, their feelings change so I don’t get in them, I don’t want to be in someones life only for them to push me away when they get scared or think they’ll change.”

I believe this ongoing fear is keeping you away from seeing what is happening in your relationships. You are so afraid of changes, that you don’t see them when they happen. You are only too willing to ignore what is happening so to delude yourself that… nothing is happening. Look at this part of your share:

” When she said that she kissed him I wanted to throw up…I hoped that was it…and then she told me that was it and I was so relieved. I remember telling her thank you for telling me it took strength…”

She kissed him, that other guy- this is Something that happened. Your gut knew it was something significant that happened, that is why you felt like throwing up, but almost immediately you closed your eyes to what is happening and made believe nothing happened because she said there was nothing more than the kiss. And then: “She texted me saying she was okay with whatever decision I made but she would always remember what she did.” She was telling you that something significant was indeed happening, but your response: “I forgave her”

Your grace in thanking her before for telling you about the kiss and forgiving her would be appropriate if indeed the kiss was an insignificant something that happened. But it was significant and the real problem in your relationship with her needed to be attended to. It wasn’t.

“and she said she didn’t know what she wanted anymore”- she has communicated with you repeatedly that something significant was happening, that something was significantly wrong for her in the relationship with you. She was indeed, trying to end her distress/ the relationship with you that was not working for her, but in her efforts to do so in spite of her guilt, you had the opportunity to communicate with her about… what was indeed happening.

What do you think about my understanding so far?

anita

July 12, 2016 at 8:16 pm #109509

Shane
Participant

I’m confused, Its not that I was willing to ignore what had happened, the kiss, I just wanted to move past it, I didn’t know what to do because I’ve never been put in a situation like that before but I knew I didn’t want to give up I wanted to try with her, I want to be able to look back on that conversation and see the beginning of something big for us and not the beginning of the end because it feels like that right now. When I look back on it it makes me mad because it just looks like she wanted to leave like she didn’t want to try with me, she didn’t even put up a fight she was just okay, I can’t say that I made her happy because shes gone, I can say that shes confused because thats what she told me, I can also say that its a little too convenient for you to have someone fly out to you, kiss them and then decide that you don’t know what you want anymore especially when you have someone that wants you and is trying to get to you, I can say that I was texting her when they met, that she felt awkward and I tried to tell her to relax, I can tell you that everyday I blame myself and I don’t really see any getting out of that.

I’m trying to see what the real problem in the relationship was, Was it too good? Were their not enough fights and arguments? We communicated too efficiently? I see all of this as being not like her, as something that completely blindsided me and surprised me so much that I still have trouble drawing breaths when I try not to think about her. I want to contact her, I really do but I don’t think it’ll fix anything if I ever do. Like I tried, I really did, I told her that I wanted her that I damn near needed her and she just walked out of my life and I feel like she pretended that it hurt. I feel like you’ve read into it, or maybe just the way you phrased it, as if she was the victim, as if I never tried to understand and communicate what was going on, then and anytime before. No, If she wanted to go and we had problems with our relationship that would be something I can accept and move past but I feel like I was being lied to. Like I was being used and that makes me question my own self worth, That’s what gets me because it just seems, because of how everything was left like shes seeing someone else and I was just someone that was there.

July 12, 2016 at 8:56 pm #109515

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Shanola:

I will be back at the computer in 10 hours or so to read your last post more attentively. You are obviously hurting over the ending of the relationship. I am sorry you are hurting… I do hope you feel better very soon. Take care of yourself, relax best you can.

anita

July 13, 2016 at 8:54 am #109553

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Shanola:

Too bad you are questioning your self worth as a result of what happened. I agree, it seems like she was trying to break up with you, only she wanted you to take that initiative. It makes me think she has trouble taking initiatives, making choices, being assertive and so she feels more comfortable pretending you made the choice. This way she doesn’t have to worry about making the wrong choice. But it is all pretending for her, because she did make the choice herself.

Her thinking, her difficulty with making choices and being assertive is HER thing, and is not an indication of your worth. This behavior on her part would be the same no matter who you were.

As far as your functioning in this relationship, if you want to examine it more so to make the next relationship better for you, let me know. If you would like to do the latter, will you explain to me what you meant in your original post when you wrote: ” I said I did want a relationship and she said she don’t know what she wanted. I could’ve asked more questions but I didn’t because I knew it’d hurt her more than me.”?

anita

July 14, 2016 at 7:01 am #109649

Shane
Participant

When we broke up I told her what I wanted, That I didn’t want to be heartbroken or feel played, I wanted a relationship with her, something that we could work on and not just give up on. She told me she didn’t know what she wanted anymore and thats when I knew it was nothing I could do to change what just happen, she was leaving and I couldn’t even say anything to get her to stay with me. I didn’t want to ask her anything else about the kiss or the guy because I knew she would just cry more and later I would analyze everything she said he did or she did. I would torture myself slowly asking anything like that.

I called her last night and she didn’t answer or text back and my heart still hurts like I gave her everything I could and it wasn’t enough, I don’t know what to do with myself because everything comes back to her. I’m playing a game to get my mind off of it and I see a truck that has a nickname I used to call her on it, I’m talking to friends and I say something very similar to how she would say it. I’m moving to a new city for school and all I can think about is how shes gonna be an hour away from me, How I can’t help but try to see her to talk things out but if she won’t even answer me then whats the point of even moving, I mean besides me. I don’t feel like I’m going to have fun, I don’t feel like I want to go anymore, People keep telling me that theirs more fish in the sea, that you never know what’ll happen when you meet new people but I only wanted one person to be there and now no one is. I left a message and I wanted to be strong but I was just nervous and I’m starting to feel like I’m going crazy.

July 14, 2016 at 8:10 am #109653

Anonymous
Guest

Dear shanola:

As to my question and your answer: I understand now what you meant, that there was no point in asking her questions when you knew it was over, that there is nothing you can do to make the relationship alive again.

But later, of course, you did not give up on it, you still hoped and so you called her.

She lives in Florida and you planned on moving to Florida for school and to be near her, am I correct? Now the school plan in Florida still exists but you wonder if you should move there?

You wrote that you feel that you are starting to go crazy, “crazy for you” is one line from a love song that comes to my mind. Emotional distress is another term. You miss her, you want her in your life so much and you feel crazy wanting her so intensely.

Best for you is to take deep breaths every time you feel that desire, that refusal to give into reality, and accept reality. It is done. The relationship is over.

You wish it wasn’t – but it is. Wishing will not make it so. It is a waste of time and energy. Wish for a loving relationship in your future, you naturally need that and can have that, only not with her. Feel what you feel and let the feelings go, again and again, best you can.

anita

July 14, 2016 at 9:23 am #109664

Shane
Participant

Thank you, I think I get what you’re saying but I’ve tried so many times to let go of the hope that we’ll ever get back together and it just keeps finding its way back in. I planned on moving near her basically for us and for school and I don’t really think I want to go because I will try to see her and I’m scared it won’t end the way I’d like it to. I want to get over or through this but for some reason, I don’t want to give up on her like as a friend but I can’t have a friend that doesn’t want to be there for me. I still feel like something is missing, someone stole something from me like I’ve been sad for so many years and one person comes in and gives me this hope and now its gone. I don’t really know how to let the feelings go either, I just know that every now and then I don’t feel like being anymore, like its really hard to get through any of this and then even when I try to let go the thoughts, the feelings, they just all keep coming back. I can accept the reality of it but It just doesn’t really seem like theres a point to me trying to have a relationship with anyone if every time I’m getting left behind or my heart broken, and it doesn’t seem fair that I never have an answer.

I keep hearing how the universe does these things for a reason and how it has my best interest at heart but I don’t really understand why, why me? Honestly I feel like this benevolent big universe guy is playing with me, just throwing me around and doing whatever it wants to hurt me but I don’t see how it ever works in my benefit. I’ve felt the same for a long time now but where does it end? I look around and my friends are all in these long committed relationships with people they love and that give them love back, they all have decent lives where they work and go to school and I don’t have anything but family that can’t even be in the same room together without a fight. I don’t have anything really but me and nothing I can do or have dones has ever showed anyone that I matter or could for that matter, I don’t even think I matter to me anymore honestly.

July 14, 2016 at 9:37 am #109665

Anonymous
Guest

Dear shanola:

I don’t believe in the “Universe”- it is just another word for “god”. It is not true that the Universe/ god does things for a reason or with your best interest at heart. There is no such god. Things happen, often at random and often there are reasons, but none that are predetermined by a god.

Using logic and insight, I can try to help you figure out what there is for you to learn from what already happened. For that purpose, I will ask you the following and if you would like, you can answer me and we will keep communicating for the purpose of you gaining insight. I don’t have that insight to your life yet, it is something that can be investigated, so if you are willing…:

You wrote: ” I’ve been sad for so many years and one person comes in and gives me this hope and now its gone.”- tell me about those “so many years”- since when? You are now 22, when did these years of sadness start and what were the circumstances? Tell me more about that “family that can’t even be in the same room together without a fight”

anita

July 14, 2016 at 10:45 am #109668

Shane
Participant

I had to move to Texas at 12 because of a Hurricane, Before that my parents were in a nasty custody battle over my 4 siblings and I for about 2 or 3 years. My home life was always chaotic to a degree because there were always arguments, with my aunt, grandmother and uncle as well as my parents. I can say that I’ve had to deal with a real depression since I was 16-17, I wasn’t diagnosed by a doctor until I was 19. I went through a deep depression around that time because of many reasons, the people that I thought were friends stopped reaching out and I stopped looking to hang out with them, I was in a relationship at the time with someone who was still with her ex and I didn’t find out until months later and I didn’t enjoy life period. I had no friends, I had no one to confide in or talk to, no real happiness, I had nothing, Kinda like now except now I’m moving to a different state.

The girl that was in my life at the time lived in Maine, We had a deep relationship but she was too caught up in her emotions for her ex and did what he did to her to me. I used drugs as she came in and out of my life but only synthetic drugs(K2) I went to rehab and the relationship came out to my mom, she called the ex and cussed her out, my ex texted me later about what happen with her and broke up with me. She came back later that year when I was over her and put me back into this dark place but I kept praying and hoping that things would work out. They never did and I tried to rely on my family a little more but my mom is jealous sometimes and she doesn’t like when anyone “acts fake” so anytime shes involved with a family thing we have to use kiddy gloves or everyone will get cussed out but we won’t have fun either way. I live with my aunt because my mom had a lot of men over, my grandmother(who im really close to) lived in new orleans for a few years but came to live with us and now shes upset and a sad. My aunts gotten married, my sisters engaged and pregnant and my uncle sleeps on a blow up mattress in the living room. I don’t blame anyone for me being sad but I hate not having anyone, I really don’t like being alone, I saw this whole thing, the way I got a girlfriend and I was moving to be with her as a chapter in my life changing but it seems that I’m still on the same pages in the most boring book ever and I don’t want to keep on reading something that never changes.

July 14, 2016 at 11:51 am #109670

Anonymous
Guest

Dear shanola:

I lived in New Orleans for less than a year, that was way before the hurricane. I read about a lot of people relocating to Texas among other places, and my goodness, you were one of them!

The problem is in your chaotic family life. You “don’t blame anyone for (you) being sad” but I do. I simply stick to reality: there is no doubt in my mind that the war-zone at home affected you greatly. It would affect anyone in your place, not possible to be otherwise. So yes, of course, I blame the adults in the home of your childhood, particularly your parents who were morally and legally responsible for your physical and mental well being. They acted against your well being, making you sick. So, yes, I do blame them and I think you should too.

Healing is not possible if we don’t hold the people responsible- accountable for their actions. If you don’t – you mistakenly hold yourself responsible.

Like I wrote earlier, I think you tried real hard with your most recent ex to avoid any conflict, and no wonders, having suffered so much conflict as a child between all the adults in your home/ family.

Did you attend psychotherapy? Is it possible for you to do so?

If you’d like, think more about this and write about what you think about my post here. I need to take a break and will be back to the computer in hours from now to re-read your posts and maybe a new one you will write. Till then, be kind to yourself, someone needs to be!

anita

July 14, 2016 at 12:30 pm #109672

Shane
Participant

If psychotherapy is talking to a doctor about what was going in my life, Yes, I went for about 8 months when I was 20 but I don’t believe it helped me, I only saw the doctor as someone I would complain to for about a hour every 2 weeks and every time I moved my lips she would take quick glances at the clock. I don’t think I ever received advice from that experience that has helped me because anything that I used to helped me from that time was information and stuff I had to figure out on my own. It’s not possible at the moment for me to speak to someone else and I don’t know if it would really help me to do so.

It’s not that I tried to avoid conflict with her but when it came we just got over it, We did have our little fights but they were just so little and even now I see her kissing that guy as something little, as something that can be gotten over. I feel that I’m more hurt by her actions, the pushing me out of her life, not speaking, not texting me but wanting to keep me as a friend so to speak so you leave me as a friend on our little game app thing. The saddest part is I’ve never been the person that’s being chosen or being looked at like I’m theirs and that really is a punch to the gut for her to do it and then walk away from me like I was nothing. I don’t understand how she can say she loves me, that I don’t deserve what she did but then leave me like it would make the situation or me any better and I don’t know how to deal with anything that’s going on in my life right now without referring to her in my mind. I think we may have gotten into 4 or 5 arguments or conflicts during our relationship and each time we were just sad that we hurt each other, We would take a few hours to ourselves and by the end of the night or the next day we would be back with each other laughing at what happened.

When we first got together and started talking about becoming boyfriend/girlfriend before the “I love yous” We talked about how we didn’t want to become our parents, How we didn’t want to hate each other after a few years. Her dad was abusive and her mom, coincidentally a week before our break up came out to her and said that she didn’t love her stepdad and that she was still in love with her ex husband. I don’t know if this and the fact that she kissed someone that she used to have feelings for is clouding her emotions and the way shes thinking but I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t think it’s fair for me to be treated like this, the way shes treated me and the treatment that I’m doing to myself, I just feel so powerless to leave my relationship with someone that I really do love and care for to faith or chance or whatever it is that can put us together again. I just keep thinking of closure you know, I didn’t indulge in the illegal use of a plant to put myself to sleep for the first time in a long time recently and that’s what I dreamed of. The night before the break up, I did indulge, and I remember looking up at the moon and just staring and all of a sudden I saw two moons, I didn’t give it any thought and now I look up at the sky and I don’t even see a moon anymore. Now all I can think about is how can I let myself go to Florida and not see her, Even if we don’t get back together on some level, How can I allow myself to move to where someone I love is and not even see them?

July 14, 2016 at 8:45 pm #109687

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Shanola:

I will read your last post and re-read your posts before it first thing tomorrow morning and reply to you with what I call a “fresh brain.”

I read the first few lines about the “psychotherapy” you had and I agree, it was not helpful at all to you. When I suggest someone attends therapy I always specify therapy with a “competent, caring therapist”- emphasis on competent and caring or empathetic. The doctor that looked at the clock when you talked to him was neither. What he or she was – was disrespectful and I regret you had that experience. Back tomorrow morning, about 10 hours from now.

anita

July 15, 2016 at 7:56 am #109732

Anonymous
Guest

Dear shanola:

I re-read most of your posts. Following my first post to you, you wrote that you felt that portrayed the girl as a victim, and you- as someone who did something wrong in the relationship. This is not the case. I don’t believe she was a victim or the person in the right and that you were in the wrong, not at all. I didn’t mean it in my first post to you and I don’t believe it after reading the rest.

I think her mother telling her she is still in love with her ex and not with her step father is troublesome to your ex girlfriend, especially being only 18. Her chaotic family life played a huge part in her behavior with you. It is likely that she is afraid of trusting anyone and pushed you away to avoid feeling the pain she imagined she will end up feeling. Her troubles, unfortunately for her, will follow her for years to come, in relationships and interactions with other men. And so, the ending of her relationship with you has very little to do with you and a whole lot to do with her family experience.

Just like your relationships, in the past and future will have a whole lot to do with your family experience. Without insight and healing from the chaos and fighting in your family, your future relationships are likely to suffer. Basically you bring sickness from your family life to a new relationship and the girl brings her own… and so, the relationship is mostly about each other’s past.

I think it will be good for you to move away from your family, all of them. I wish it wasn’t to Florida, an hour away from this girl though. But moving away will be good for you as a starting point of healing. If you could have psychotherapy with a competent, caring therapist while living away (no cost or low cost or somehow subsidized, as needed) – will be excellent.

In my first post to you on this thread I wrote that Something-was-happening and you pretended it was not. I still believe it, and again, not at all suggesting you are at fault, only that if you keep your eyes and ears open you will be in a better position. But keeping eyes and ears open, detecting new information and evaluating it may be possible only following some good therapy.

What do you think so far?

anita

July 15, 2016 at 8:18 pm #109760

Shane
Participant

I definitely had to look at it differently considering our family lives, I had thought that maybe her mom’s recent actions would have something to do with the way she was acting, it seemed like she was scared but I can’t help her if she doesn’t let me because I’m in a different state you know. I don’t think therapy is a good option for me because I don’t really feel its natural, I don’t enjoy holding on to harsh feelings and I always felt like I had a limit for myself with what I could deal with while going to therapy but maybe it was just the therapist. I did see that something was happening between us and I wanted to go and see her for that exact reason of helping the both of us and as I look back on it, I still think I should’ve just bought the ticket and went to see her. I’ve felt weird about going to Florida since the break up but that’s mostly because in the back of my head, no matter how much I let go and move on, I’m going to find a way to see her, I don’t want to plan something out I just want to go and see her.
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