I am not sure why I am have been googling advice on bad break ups for the past 6 hours, maybe it’s to validate the reasons behind my recent break up or maybe I am just looking for some sort of hope for a future reconciliation-even though I don’t think that he will ever be what I need in a man. After two years, 8 months of pursuing him and impressing him and being loyal to him even though he was not loyal to me and then an additioanl 16 months of us living together- he decided the other day that he was just done. After 2 years of struggling together, making it work together, being parents together even though my kids weren’t his and vice versa. How does someone just turn off their feelings. Sure we have had many fights before, MANY-and he always packed his things but his things never left our home-until the other day. I think right now I am just an emotional mess trying to gain some perspective on why I should feel ok with the break up. Even though the whole relationship it was me giving 90% and him 10%. Financially, I made more money so I was the one always paying the bills and handling the everyday important things in our lives, while he just blew his minimal money that he made every week. Sure he would ask if I needed something from time to time-but it was never enough to really contribute. I guess that’s the reason he started dating me in the first place-because I took care of all his problems that he couldn’t afford or just didn’t want to pay for-child support, phone bills, lawyer payments, habits etc etc. Then we moved in together, even though in the first 8 months of our dating/friendship I thought we were exclusive only to find out that I had refrained from sex with him or anyone to find out he was not being as geniune. Then we moved in together as a couple-and with all couples they have sex, except that we didn’t. His excuse was that he wanted to wait until him and I got married-however I felt like it was just a line he was using to buy him time. I am not sure why though- I never really trusted him. After you see so many texts in a phone from other females, finding condoms randomly from time to time and just gut instinct-you loose trust for someone. But when you try to explain your reasoning for loosing trust, he makes you feel like you are wrong or that all I am worried about is having sex. However, it is not an issue when he wants oral. Ugh, the more I think about it the more I see how pathetic I was over him and wanted so desperately for the relationship to turn into marriage. Even though I knew the whole time how it would end- I just kept holding on to hope that he wouldn’t be the one to hurt me and my two little girls. Now he wants to NOT give my house key back-but says he will be around but not be around…what the heck- I need to find myself again, I need my life back. I feel like I am being held on by a string because he knows my loyalty and love I have for him…. I am going crazy in my own house and just need some peace……am I wrong for wanting some sort of Karma to come back and kick him in the butt-should I try to remain friends for the relationship he has with my kids? There’s just so much pain, and feeling of rejection I don’t know that I can be his friend…..any advice is appreciated…

Lost Completely