Dear Milena:

Over the time you were with this man you became emotionally attached to him, meaning the thought of him became connected in your brain with the emotion of comfort, of safety (this is what getting attached means). So when you started texting, following you sending him the link to the song, that emotion of comfort and safety got triggered, and so you wanted more of that comfort and safety. More precisely, you wanted more of that feeling of comfort and safety. So when he suggested coming to your place, you said something like: “Yes, more safety and comfort!”

Only being with him does not give you real safety and comfort, only the feeling of it plus some physical pleasure. And long term, in these 3 years, his contribution to your life is negative: anxiety, low self esteem, etc. So in reality, he gives you discomfort and is a danger (to your well being).

When he contacts you again, remember that he provides you with discomfort and danger following the temporary FEELING of comfort and safety. And be empathetic to yourself for having gone for, again, the feeling instead of the reality. Indeed, don’t we all reach out to that… third helping of chocolate cake that feels oh so good but the weight gained does not…

anita