Dear Clau:

So glad to get this update from you! And still amazed by your clarity and courage. In addition, I like your aunt and her friend, the therapist. I agree with the therapist’s input, such as: ““my core beliefs weren’t stained with my parents’ actions”. Your core beliefs are sane, true and that makes your clarity possible. So glad for that!

When you consider changing custody of your 15 year old sister and your mother’s feelings being hurt by it- I hope you don’t let your empathy for your mother interfere with operating for your sister’s best interest, and your own. I like your therapist’s realistic evaluation of your mother. Keeping your sister in your mother’s custody is hurting your sister and not helping your mother. Removing your sister from that custody will help your sister… and NOT damage your mother. Maybe it will help your mother.

Regarding the pros and cons for moving to your aunt or to an apt financed by her (if she is able, having lost her job), it is my hope that you move. Your panic attack is an indication that indeed you are vulnerable, as we all are, that you are human, and living with your mother is not a good idea. I know there are inconveniences like transferring university and the whole custody idea (maybe have your sister move … temporarily, no need to make it all legal from the get go?) , but I think moving is a good idea for both of you. Even if your sister didn’t move with you, it might still be a good idea for you (and for her, because a stronger you away is better than a weakening you with her).

As far as a mother/ sister role with your younger sister: as in all relationships, your relationship with your sister needs to be a Win-Win. This means it has to be a Win for you. If the relationship with her is weakening you, it is a Lose for you, and eventually, it will be a Lose for your sister as well. So you have to take care of yourself first. Always, your well being first.

Please do post again, thrilled to read from you anytime!

anita