Dear Nina:

You being hard on yourself is a big problem in your efforts to heal. It is necessary, not optional, that you will be gentle with yourself, not hard, not tough. In your efforts to stop indulgences, ineffective habits, what works is gentleness with yourself.

For you to trust yourself, you need to be gentle with yourself. The inner child in you will respond to gentleness and will trust you if you are consistently gentle with her.

Notice how you talk to yourself, be aware of your self talk and change it, re-talk to yourself in a gentle way. Exhibit endless patience with yourself.

Part of you is that Freudian “superego” aka Inner Critic. In your case, and mine, it is an abusive inner critic, taking after real life critical, abusive parents. This part continues the abuse. Part of you is the Inner Child, the abused. Healing is about developing a third part that will take good care of the inner child, a part that will be gentle and patient with the child.

Your inner child needs a break from the harsh inner critic, so it takes its breaks, overeating, maybe. It needs a break. But if you become gentle with her, over time, she will trust you to be gentle, stop fearing you, and she will no longer be abused and no longer need to take those breaks.

Lots of psychotherapists are not competent, empathetic and/ or hard working. I met my first good therapist when I was fifty.

Hope you post more and more, since you find writing online helpful to you.

anita