Dear Ravi:

Great improvement and I have more improvement to suggest to you, for you to consider. First the background to my suggestions, that is, my new understanding of the situation. This is how I view you, Jerry, her sister and what happened. As you read this, consider and correct me where I am wrong, and let me know where I am correct:

Jerry when you met her and throughout the almost three years of the sister/ brother relationship with you was a loving very young woman to you. She was open, reaching out to you, empathetic, accommodating, kind, very forgiving, flexible, more than any person has ever been to you.

In those almost three years you got very angry at her from time to time, not because she did anything wrong but because she had a blood brother/ other people in her life and you were very jealous. You also assigned meanings to what she said which she didn’t mean and you then abused her with foul language, accusations, withdrawal… and she apologized to you at some of those instances even though she did nothing wrong. She on the other hand, never abused you during that time, never directed anger at you, anger that didn’t belong to the relation with you. You did that. She didn’t. She was quite submissive in apologizing to you and forgiving of your abusive language and intense anger.

Then, close to three years, you confessed to two friends that your feelings for her were no longer of the brother/ sister kind. One of those friends shared that communication with her and she found out. Along the way, her sister found out. Although her sister is five years younger than Jerry, her sister is more assertive than Jerry. Her sister was also not emotionally involved with you for almost three years, so it was easier for her sister to assert Jerry’s feelings that it was for Jerry. Hence the sister got into the picture- to help Jerry.

Jerry is a kind, soft, loving young woman. I can see why you, Ravi, got so attached to her. Jerry has to be seen in the context of her family and culture as she is not at all separate from these (neither are you). In the context of her family and culture, she is a Good Girl, a good person, approved and deserving of her family and society’s approval, only if she has a sister/ brother relationship with any particular man. It has to be sister/ brother OR nothing at all. No in between (except for her father, uncles).

There is no in-between. It is completely unacceptable for Jerry. You got to understand this, Ravi.

She can’t challenge this belief- or she loses her … life, this is how serious this is. It is unconceivable for her to challenge this. She is not strong enough/ independent enough. She simply can not.

So all this time that you- and I- criticized her for holding on to the brother/ sister relationship as the only possibility- we were both WRONG. And this is my new understanding. Our criticism of her was wrong and unfair to her.

Your view that Jerry is cold or exhibiting “stone silence” I think you termed it, that she goes on with her life like nothing happened, I don’t believe it is true. I believe Jerry is a very sensitive, very young woman and she took it very much to heart, probably still does. Her sister must have seen Jerry’s distress and offered to help her. Jerry was too weak to handle this by herself.

Waiting for your feedback and will go from there.

anita