HI Triangle Sun: My plan is to live single for at least a year and explore my self. The “boyfriend” I speak of, is the first deep love I had and married for one year in 1974.. My first post-(Past/Present/Future) months ago explains all the background. I don’t expect to be like I was 40 years ago. I may see him every month for a few days, but that is the plan for now. There is lots of history on my first post. I am pretty independent these days, as no favors or indulgences are done for me. I do so much for everyone here before myself. R-1 and I arenow in our 60’s and we have grown into maturity and a deep understanding of what went wrong and how the lies and manipulations that tore us apart as a naive 19 year old and her 21 year old husband. I am married 35 years now to husband 2, and this is where it is.

Hi Anita: MY sentimentality( and/ or guilt) does guide me erroneously sometimes or most of the time. I think the deep fear will come from the verbal assault that will come loud and vicious. And then the collapse into despair like a wounded animal. I think I fear the words of ” You f”ing whore, You selfish bitch, etc”. I know I am not a whore, I have cheated on him this one time now 33 years later and with R-1, who was an old love that was taken from me..I didn’t go looking or trolling for strangers. I will not bring up R-1 in any conversations, though he may feel that is the ONLY REASON I would leave the marriage. Maybe I have a small concern that maybe he is right? SO, I think I fear this. Echoes of my mother’s voice, coming back? The fear that this is true? No one can give me courage, I must take my own courage and forge through. The danger is that R-2 can break me down with his words and actions that I may think have a seed of truth, and doubt myself. I anticipate a divorce wont come easy, because he might want to make sure I am destroyed financially or legally, in order not to find peace for myself. I am ready to remain in the limbo state of separation for years if need be and however long it takes. I contemplate the single life, the apartment, the selling of this old house, my career, traveling freely, etc, in order to remain focused on the future, and not let the present drown me.