As someone who dated a physically abusive bipolar partner 4 years ago, I completely understand what you are saying. It reminds me of the phrase, “i’m sorry that you” which is again something that escapes responsibility and unfairly puts it back on you as the problem. I didn’t realize intent is something so hard to accept about ones own actions.

Also of interest. When you say that a person may be totally unaware of reality… I’ve found several situations throughout my life when this has happened. I dont understand how someone can be unaware of reality even when I’ve gently, not forcefully, tried to make them aware when there are obvious issues for concern.

For example a good friend and roommate in college had a boyfriend who cheated on her regularly and it got to a point where everyone knew this. I tried to express this to her, but ultimately she went back to him and stopped speaking to me until after they broke up. Similarly I had a friend who called me several years ago under the influence of something, so bad I was concerned for her safety. After making sure she was going to be okay, I reached out to her brother for help. She never called me or spoke to me again. As a third example, a friend was physically abusive to her husband… this time I said nothing, but she later mentioned the two of them were fine and weren’t going to acknowledge it. I never really understand how one looks past these things which I personally believe is cause for concern. Ultimately I just keep out of it, even though I still acknowledge it, at least to myself.