hi Anita

I am trying out new things.

I have done my mini retreat in a small island(well it’s not entirely remote though, easily accessible by ferry back to the city)
It happened that a few days before the retreat,someone just randomly txted me online through an app, and it turned out that she was very good at dealing with inner emotions, and self-acceptance since she was major in psychology.

I followed some of her suggestion, basically i listed out all the emotions that I had, and asked myself why these exists, there were times when i had very dark thinking that came out, such as ‘i want to possess her’, and I realized the self-blame, the unwillingness to let go and forgive(myself mainly) come up again. It’s all where the feelings originate.

I want to find ways to let go of it, i think one of the reasons why I am still lingering was because I had hopes, still, for her to be in good terms with me.
the second one is,i am still not forgiving myself, not accepting the imperfection that I have. It’s may not even be attachment, or love. I just don’t want to give myself a good time. I want to punish myself, by clinging onto this chaos.
again, my heart is in not in sync with my mind.
I tried to go to the beach and sit to meditate, I tried to hike, i tried talk therapy, but this heavy cloud in my head is still here. I am still obsessed with my feelings and this incidence.
I can sense that I feel impatience towards the emotions I have now, which apparently has added extra burden to the already heavy mind.

Would you have any suggestion on how to gradually let go?Let the heaviness comes out from my chest.
I even thought of coming forward to my ex and gain closure(whatever the closure means), may end up just another fight or even more hurt, either or both of us.

Thanks again Anita. Take good care.
Chau