Dear Katie:

You are welcome. Since you are not able and/or willing or needing psychotherapy, Mindfulness, then is Key.

Be mindful, aka pay attention, not only to your reactions but to the actions of the people around you. Your mother is the most significant person in your life still, so pay attention to who she is. It is so important because in determining how to act with a particular person, you have to know WHO that person is.

You’d think you know your own mother, but oh, no. Parents and adult children are the least likely people to know who the other is.

Who is your mother? For one, she has displayed bad judgment about the men she married and she displayed bad judgment about staying with an abusive man and about having sex with him after separation for a couple of years, if I remember correctly. She is not dating, hasn’t for a while and so she has little to no experience in making a good choice in men and she has little to no experience in having a good relationship with a man.

Logic would say: you should not listen to her input on your choice of men and on your relationships with men. Simple logic, isn’t it?

Stay with this point, if you will, re-read it.

Whenever you took your mother’s input seriously regarding men, you did because part of you believed she is wise about men. But that belief is incorrect. If you see your mother objectively regarding her choice of men and her relationships with men, then you would know, really know that on these issues she is very unwise and therefore, taking in her suggestions and comments regarding your choice of men and the nature of your relationships with men is very unwise.

This is just one little exercise in mindfulness, this last observation. There are many more and if you make them over time, you will learn WHO your mother is and therefore how to act with her.

anita