Dear Jeanne:

I like your promise to yourself to “never allow abuse that I could not prevent as a child happen again. My hat is off to you.

Your co worker, when she screamed at you, she was really screaming at someone else, someone from her past or present. She didn’t see YOU. She saw someone else who indeed was or is “snarky and mean” and who “talk(ed) about her behind her back.” There was or still is someone in her life who doesn’t like her and she doesn’t like him/ her (“don’t like each other,”) and whose “looks… tone… attitude” reflected this dislike and meanness.

She inaccurately projected that person into you. Something about you and the recent event reminded her of that person and she released her anger at the person she projected into you.

And this is what abuse is often about: a person abused by X projects X into Y and punishes/ abuses Y. This is unfortunately very common and the victims are too many, millions and millions… this is business as usual, unfortunately.

If she yells at you again, or otherwise, you can ask her: who are you really talking to? Who in your life was snarky and mean to you? Otherwise, you can possibly gather that kind of information about her if you pay attention. This way you may switch your focus from being distressed to learning.

anita