Hello, Anita

Yes, I have a lot of talks with her. Too many, perhaps, that it begins to feel repetitive with no discernible outcome. I know relationship is not about keeping score but I must admit it feels very crappy to have to wait for her to come to her senses. every. damn. time. (Coming out of the closet is only one of the many things she’s afraid of but not willing to admit).

I don’t know what’s the right word, timid, perhaps? Which kills me because inside this safe bubble of ours, she’s so full of life, she’s funny, and smart but she’s afraid to show that outside, and she’s dragging me to the bubble with her, and I’m not sure I want that.

And for those of you who think I should be more compassionate and helpful, I’m not a babysitter, okay? I have to reiterate that this isn’t the first time that something like this has happened. She’s got many fears and insecurities that I’ve helped her overcome over the years, yet, she doesn’t seem to learn from those. When she is crippled by a new fear, she will let it overwhelm her until I point that out to her.

About this coming out of the closet thing, it’s not like she’s afraid of being ‘known’, it’s just she doesn’t trust her own instinct and afraid of the possibility of coming out to the wrong person and having to be responsible of the consequences. I was out in my previous company. I was the one who came out and my boss knew about us and often invited her to company functions. So it wasn’t really about being known, but she would only do that if she knew it was ‘safe’, and it’s putting a lot of burden on me.