Forum Replies Created
May 8, 2017 at 2:24 am #148439
That’s such a good and positive attitude to have. You are right, I am not going to give them the satisfaction! I actually do not want to continue working here but so far haven’t had any luck in finding a new job, so better a bad job than no job at all, I suppose. I am tolerating my situation, just like you.
Some example of the discrimination bullsh*t I face daily: I have this colleague – let’s call her A. The bosses listen to her. I’ve ‘tested’ my bosses on occasions, I’d say something to them and back it up with sound reasoning etc and I could see their eyes were glazing over, then I’d say ‘A thinks so, too’ and they’d immediately decide to go in that direction.
Sure, I can do this to make my life easier but the thing is, by doing this, I am perpetuating my bosses’ bad behavior and my career will never advance because I will always have to play second fiddle to people like A, even though I am just as qualified as her.May 4, 2017 at 7:50 pm #148085
Thank you for your reply. Of course in the ideal world, we’d all be able to sort out our problems by having adult conversation. Unfortunately, this is real life, and I’m sure everywhere, if the discrimination is not extreme, people tend to sweep it under the rug. You just don’t want to rock the boat or be a killjoy, to be that one person who always calls everyone else out on their crap.
In the ideal world, you’d call people out and they’d realize what they’ve been doing wrong and wise up. In real life, not everyone can do that. Most people who have benefited from social prejudice also would never knowingly relinquish their privileges so that social justice can be done.September 7, 2016 at 6:53 am #114463
Thanks, Monklet80. Your words mean a lot to me.
Hi, Anita. To be frank, about 90% of our relationship involves this dynamic. Her being happy-go-lucky and my being the killjoy, the serious one, the one who pushes for things.
I actually had a long talk with her last night. I was so sure I was out the door but when it comes down to it, I still couldn’t do it. Anyway, I brought up the fact that I have adjusted myself a lot to be with her. I believe relationship is about compromise, meeting the other person in the middle, and I asked her to do her part but she has always seemed miffed by this idea, which she repeated again last night. She said she couldn’t understand why I treat this relationship like a business transaction, that it’s tit-for-tat.
I honestly can’t answer her. I know relationship is not about keeping scores but if one person is clearly being disadvantaged by the other person (even though it might be unintentional), is it really wrong to ask the other person to do something?September 5, 2016 at 12:01 am #114268
Thank you, Anita.
Yes, I did say I was generally happy in the sense that I’m not in a life-or-death situation, I’m not threatened in any way, and I don’t fear for my safety or well-being, but I think I need to assess whether those equal happiness.
I’m not trying to make light of domestic violence but I think sometimes it’s easier to walk away from a violent relationship than the kind of relationship that I have now, which is essentially a good friendship. I feel like I’m not getting what I’m looking for in a partner, but she is still a good friend. We started off that way, FYI. And also, the long term thing. We’ve gone through so much and to think of throwing it all away…so, in the back of my mind I’m forever wondering if maybe I should just be patient, maybe I should just stick it out, maybe she’ll come to her senses.September 4, 2016 at 6:45 pm #114236
Thank you, Monklet80 and Peppermint.
I’m…scared. I think I’m going to end it. I might not be as happy as I had painted myself to be in my initial post. It’s tough when it’s not as clear as domestic violence or something like that, that you’re supposed to leave.
Something happened over the weekend. It’s just one of those little things that actually provide clues to bigger issues in the relationship. She was upset about something I’d done and instead of telling me how she felt like an adult, she chose the passive aggressive route. I confronted her right away and only then she told me that she was upset and why. Instead of taking the time to ‘coach’ her that that’s not how an adult behaves in a healthy relationship, for the first time, I just left. Needed some place to cry so I just went to the movies and cried in the dark. I’ve got no friends to support me through this. It’s hard. I’ve been googling ‘ending a long term relationship’ a lot. Haven’t been able to stop crying, hopefully my work mates buy my allergy story.September 1, 2016 at 2:03 am #113882
Yes, I have a lot of talks with her. Too many, perhaps, that it begins to feel repetitive with no discernible outcome. I know relationship is not about keeping score but I must admit it feels very crappy to have to wait for her to come to her senses. every. damn. time. (Coming out of the closet is only one of the many things she’s afraid of but not willing to admit).
I don’t know what’s the right word, timid, perhaps? Which kills me because inside this safe bubble of ours, she’s so full of life, she’s funny, and smart but she’s afraid to show that outside, and she’s dragging me to the bubble with her, and I’m not sure I want that.
And for those of you who think I should be more compassionate and helpful, I’m not a babysitter, okay? I have to reiterate that this isn’t the first time that something like this has happened. She’s got many fears and insecurities that I’ve helped her overcome over the years, yet, she doesn’t seem to learn from those. When she is crippled by a new fear, she will let it overwhelm her until I point that out to her.
About this coming out of the closet thing, it’s not like she’s afraid of being ‘known’, it’s just she doesn’t trust her own instinct and afraid of the possibility of coming out to the wrong person and having to be responsible of the consequences. I was out in my previous company. I was the one who came out and my boss knew about us and often invited her to company functions. So it wasn’t really about being known, but she would only do that if she knew it was ‘safe’, and it’s putting a lot of burden on me.July 11, 2016 at 6:59 pm #109440
Thank you for more insights on how to deal with my feelings. I will certainly put them to good use.July 11, 2016 at 1:49 am #109373
Thank you so much for all the replies, I really appreciate it.
Corporate world is tough and I am trying my best not to lose my sense of decency, even though these lately it feels like I am hanging by a thread.
I am not really upset because I think this is personal, it’s only a small part of it, if any. We’re not that close honestly but I’d like to think I have worked with him long enough to deserve more respect than that. I think I cringe at the paranoia that led him to behave this way. He could’ve said “I’m sorry, it’s not for me to say” or “Could you contact the authority if you have any clarification?” and I would’ve understood.
I don’t know why he chose to go down the passive-aggressive route. Has that worked out so well for him before? I know I have gone down that route myself before and it always led to more confusions, more negative feelings, more hurt, and I would feel less like a good person afterwards even though it would’ve felt good temporarily for my ego.
How are we to work as a team after this? I would certainly be more wary of him from now on. I have stopped crying over this but I can’t say I’m ecstatic to go to work.
P.S. Thank you so much for the suggestions on how to deal with this professionally, I would certainly take note and apply them at work. I just still haven’t been able to shake off this…disgusted feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’m sure all of you know what I’m talking about.
February 6, 2014 at 1:46 am #50419
- This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Priscilla.
Thanks for your input. The thing is, I live in a different country now so that would make your advice a little bit more difficult to do… 🙂 Sometimes I just wish she could get a steady job albeit a low-paying one, at least it’s better than doing random odd jobs. I have another aunt (her sister) who is also a single mother with two kids but she managed to get herself a steady desk job so her situation is better. We just don’t know why this particular aunt couldn’t at least follow that path, like she has a mental blocking or something.
Cheers!January 29, 2014 at 1:49 am #49922
This is just my two cents but I have found that in breaking the cycle of self-sabotage, the only person who can help us is ourselves. That is not to say that encouragement and kind words don’t help, they do. Supporting friends, family, or even strangers such as ones you’ll find here would definitely make the process less hard.
However, in my experience, I can only, truly break free if the change is internal as opposed to external. I don’t know what causes you to feel the way you do but most often than not, it’s because we are chasing some ideals that perhaps don’t even come out from yourself (as mentioned by Alf).
When I was your age, I also went through some emotional upheaval. My method was to become a hermit (not literally, I just really limit myself to interactions that were necessary such as class, etc. It’s not for everyone but it worked for me. I needed that time away from everyone and everything, or simply, I needed to tune out external disturbances and listen to my inner soul. It really helped me find myself, a center that grounds me.
Nowadays, there are far too much distractions. Just make sure you find time to really explore and understand your feelings. Don’t resist them, just feel them, listen to them, get to know yourself better. Feelings are what you subconscious is trying to tell you.
Cheers & Love!January 29, 2014 at 12:42 am #49921
Thanks for your input & perspectives. I was supposed to meet this aunt, alas, my flight got cancelled (as you perhaps know from my other post in this forum) so I get to face this problem of helping her some other day.
With me, she only ever asked for some spare cosmetics or hand-me-downs, she never begged for money but I heard she does that to her siblings.
Anyway, I agree that it’s better to teach someone how to fish. I’ll see what I can do next time I meet her, hope I could find a way to knock some sense into her without sounding holier-than-thou. Sometimes it’s hard to do because you know, this is my aunt, somebody who was once an ‘adult’ to me and now I could say that I perhaps have surpassed her in a way..
Cheers & Love!January 28, 2014 at 6:06 pm #49918
I clicked on the link and suddenly there was this big guy rushed to my screen to give me a big hug.
Just what I needed ^_^
I strangely felt warm and cuddly. Never knew this site existed, thanks for letting us know about it.
Cheers & Love!January 28, 2014 at 6:01 pm #49917
Hiya there, Alf!
Thanks for the hugs ^_^ BTW, I giggled at the nick ‘Cilla’, I think it’s funny, somehow, lol.
Cheers & Love!January 28, 2014 at 5:59 pm #49913
Oh, wow, Lily, that was some hard times you were going through! I’m glad you are able to look back on it now and see something positive and that it all worked out for you in the end.
I do believe time heals and like you said, in a couple of months it won’t matter. However, the wound is still fresh now, that’s why it’s hard and your encouraging words are what I truly need now. Thanks for the hug, lemme hug you back!
Cheers & Love!January 28, 2014 at 5:46 pm #49910
Thanks, Mark! Reading your and other people’s kind words on this thread really helps me with the knots in my stomach. For me, it’s not the money loss or the canceled vacation that hurts most, but how most people (Strangers, nonetheless. Our real acquaintances have been compassionate) could berate you in such insensitive ways. What happened sucked and we acknowledge our fault, stop beating the dead horse!
Cheers & Love!