You sound like you are a very evolved person. Unfortunately, R & J may not be quite as evolved or empathetic… just yet.

J should never have betrayed your trust and spoke to R about your personal issues. Regardless of how embellished R may have made it sound. If this is to be addressed again with J, those details need not matter. Just the betrayal of trust is enough. If J cares enough about your friendship she will need to personally grow and take responsibility. This starts with a truly sincere apology (admits she was wrong, empathizes with your feelings, and asks how she can make it right). Without this true apology (and personal growth on her part), it’s will be up to you whether you want to continue the friendship on some type of level.

R’s feelings may have been hurt with the realization about seeming judgmental. I am not sure how this conversation went down, but maybe you could try again to help her understand. She may have felt attacked. I think it is important for R to see it’s not personal toward her, but more about how you feel when you are talking about you and why you don’t feel comfortable or safe confiding in her. It is a hard realization for anyone, and another big personal growth effort (this time on on R’s part). Self-awareness is hard, so try to have patience on this one. She may be able to feel somewhat better about your friendship, but the feeling of being judged may not ever go away for you. But this friendship sounds like it is definitely worth trying to salvage. Trust is very valued quality and one which seems harder to come by these days. If your friendship is strong enough (and you can tell her you think it is) then this shouldn’t ruin it. In a perfect outcome, she will begin to understand your feelings, and try to make a change in herself for the better. Maybe by asking you examples and to point out instances when you feel this way (hard, but again necessary for growth). My guess is if you feel this way, there are likely others in her life that do as well. In fact she may have heard it before. Just be gentle, its hard for some of us to show vulnerability… Good Luck to you!

Dear ginabelle1104:

From what I understand, J’s behavior was despicable: sharing your personal information/ gossiping instead of directly approaching you with any problems J was having with you. J pretended to be supportive of you, encouraging you to communicate with J any time you need to and then complaining about (J’s own offer) to R. If my understanding is correct, then I would have no contact with J anymore.

The way you described R, gossiping about other people, doesn’t seem like R is a good friend material either. When he gossips about others (complaining to you about others, instead of addressing the others personally) then you know it is only time before you end up in his complaining to others (maybe even … the same others he has complained to you about!)

Choose your friends wisely. I think this is a good reminder, your thread, for every one of us, to address a person directly with any problem we have with that person instead of complaining about it to a third party.

I think talking about problems I had with person X, talking about those problems with person Y is okay only if I no longer am in a relationship of any kind with person X and if person Y is also not in a relationship with person X.

anita