Hi Guys…. thanks for contributing and sharing. So many emotions and feelings arise when reading these posts but I guess that’s a good thing – once they are on the surface where I can feel them and acknowledge them, then I can try to deal with them. I had a therapist tell me that my way of dealing was to shove everything deep down inside, deny it, and not acknowledge it, and she was right about that. When people ask how I am or how I’m doing, or even when “I” myself do a self check on how I’m doing, I only focus on my blessings and tend to not see or acknowledge the struggles that are going on in my life. I tend to say that the the major things going on are “no big deal” but others look at me with dropped jaws and say “Oh my God – how are you possibly dealing with that and looking so calm!?!?!” I guess shoving it all down and denying it’s negativity was my way of coping. And I think it probably still is.

As an example of how there’s no winning with my sister, I always prepare myself, give myself pep talks, and enter her house with a very upbeat, positive, smile and hugs hoping it will be contagious and spread to her. Last week when I walked into her home and greeted her with a hug and smile, she said “What the hell are you so happy about!?!? Oh, that’s right – you’re on Prozac – of course you’re happy!” This, in front of approximately 20 people, some family and some strangers. Not the first time she’s done that. The next time I had to attend an event at her house, I tried to walk in neutral, thinking maybe being pleasant and happy annoyed her, so I gave a less enthusiastic hug and smile. She said “what the hell is wrong with you?!?” Shrug. Can’t win – she has something negative to say about everything I say or do. A few days later, I attended her granddaughter’s baptism. Me and my husband showed up early (didn’t want to get yelled at for being late) and she was sitting in the pew. We went and greeted her and then said that we were going to go walk around outside as the grounds and weather were beautiful and there was still an hour before the mass even begun. She went off on me about why bother coming early if you’re not going to sit down and why are you so antsy and why can’t you just sit here quietly for an hour instead of walking around? I’m not exaggerating – there is ALWAYS something she complains about – I can do no right. And I’ve spent years trying to find a way to NOT get berated whenever I see her, but I’m thinking the best thing is to ACCEPT it will always be this way and just stop seeing her as much as possible.

The dilemma there is she is the one that hosts all the holiday dinners for family so in my decades-long quest to “fit in” I attend them hoping for a different outcome and because I want to see the rest of the family. Lately I’ve been turning down invitations and I’m avoiding the anxiety and stress she causes me, but then I feel depressed about not being involved in the family events and being left out of the loop by not attending.

I guess I need to let go. I have always preferred to keep to myself (gee, I wonder why) so my job, husband, dogs and hobbies are enough for me – I need to stop fantasizing about a family relationship that can never be.
Sue