Hi, Anita.
I’m not sure how to answer your question and am a little confused as to why an answer would help you decide how to proceed with posts to me. I would hope you would express your feelings and beliefs honestly and openly regardless of how much of it I agree with. Isn’t a forum about getting, evaluating, and pondering ALL inputs and all different perspectives? I think I can learn a little bit from everyone as there is no one simple, cut and dry solution to my problem. It will most likely be a combination of suggestions, feedback and input from various approaches.

My initial reaction is that trying to approach her with love and forgiveness gets me nowhere – been there, done that. It’s basically what I’ve been trying to do for years – win her approval by killing her with kindness. I am at the stage of life where I’m leaning towards “If you’re a miserable, unhappy person, there is nothing I can do to help you with that so I must now protect myself from you and learn to fully enjoy the life I have left.”

In reply to Monklet, most of the “family” is hers. She had three children, and they all now have spouses and children, so she hosts all the get-togethers and holidays. For me to try and see my nieces and nephews without her would unleash a wrath that would punish not only me but her children as well. Actually, her daughter is a drama queen that drinks too much and one of her sons is a heroin-addict and not someone I enjoy seeing. My two adult children don’t really go to her events because they distanced themselves long ago. So I am going to focus more on spending time with my children and seeing less of her family. My daughter, however, got married and moved to Oregon a few years ago so seeing her is difficult but we keep in touch electronically.
Sue

“When you are feeling vulnerable, the central meridian, one of the two energy pathways that govern your central nervous system, can be like a radio receiver that channels other people’s negative thoughts and energies into you. If the central meridian is off, you are open and exposed.”

Thank you for the feedback and the links – I will read and watch all of it – lucky for me it’s a 3-day weekend. I am a little confused by your above comment: So should I think of the zipper as an On/Off switch? You say when it’s “off”, I am open and exposed, so I should zip up to turn it on?

Thanks again for sharing.
Sue

Wow. Just . . . wow. Your response was incredibly insightful, clear and gave me such a great sense of relief! Your comments about how and why this still keeps happening to me not only helps me understand why I can’t beat this, but it makes me feel like less of a failure for NOT being able to “get over it”. I wish just one of my therapists had been able to pinpoint it for me that quickly and clearly – it would have saved me years of effort and frustration and, ultimately, feelings of failure and defeat.

This is NOT my fault, and there isn’t much I CAN do to change the situation, but now I maybe I can accept that and stop wasting energy trying to beat it or conquer it.

For a little more background (which will just solidify what you so accurately summarized) my sister has LITERALLY been this way towards me since the day I was born: I was born on her 10th birthday and she resented now having to SHARE her birthday with someone else every year. And the fact that she and my other sister are 10 and 9 years older than me just made the feelings of isolation, abandonment, and inferiority even stronger – they bonded together and I was always just the pesky little sister who had nothing in common with them. My mother was of no help, as a matter of fact she contributed to my problems: when I started developing tics and OCD and nervous habits, she would scream at me to stop because I was embarrassing her and that someone might think I was crazy and lock me away. I also heard during my early years that she thought she was too old to be having me and that she cried through the entire pregnancy because she didn’t want another child. Gee, thanks, Mom.

Looking back, I’m amazed that I turned out as well as I did. But while you’re living your life, you have no idea that there are valid reasons for what you’re feeling and that this isn’t how everyone grew up. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. Finally, all these years later, I have a slight clue.

Thanks for giving me the peace and comfort to realize there’s not much I can do to change it, that I should continue to avoid wherever possible, and that I should just put up my wall to protect my heart and head when I’m going to be around her. I may print your reply and carry it around with me, not only as a reminder to myself, but to show to my well-meaning friends when they tell me to just not take it personally and not let it bother me. If only it were that easy.

Sue