Dear Daniela:

Your question: ” how do you engage with others, who you feel are unsafe emotionally, while maintaining your own emotional safety?”

My answer: Do not engage with anyone who is unsafe emotionally, that is someone who is abusive. If it is a coworker, assert yourself, do what needs to be done to ensure a safe working environment. A co worker may be unpleasant and you have to endure it, but abuse has to stop. If it is a family member, a parent, a sibling, such- avoid contact altogether or see in context where abuse is not possible, such as in a wedding, a big gathering, but not otherwise.

You wrote: “in trying to remain friendly or in contact when choice is possible, it feels like I’m being inauthentic and it makes me feel bad.” It is inauthentic to act friendly with someone you don’t like. I mean, beyond saying “hello” to a neighbor you don’t like. Otherwise, acting friendly, smiling to someone you dislike- it is inauthentic. So don’t. There is no virtue in that. Say “hello” or “good evening” at the most and go about your business.

If you’d like to put more detail in your question, I will further reply. Hope you post again.

anita

Dear Daniela:

Just read your latest post. The crossroad… I vote, if I may, for you to become more yourself regardless of the fear. Become yourself slowly then, so the fear is not overwhelming. Be authentic is small ways and wait and see: any retaliation? Probably not. You will then get the courage to be authentic a bit more, and you wait and see- any negative consequences? Probably not. And so you keep going, make progress at your own pace, but let there be progress.

anita

Dear Daniela:

Fear is the most powerful emotion there is. There is no way to eliminate fear but there are ways to lessen it.

Everyone is afraid, everyone is anxious. When you are afraid, you are not the only one. I am afraid every day. But doing so much better than I used to. I am more in control and feel stronger, less reactive, more capable to function okay regardless of the fear.

You are obviously afraid of the exam, and somehow the smoking is tied to this fear. What if you see yourself as you and this little girl in you (the inner child)- and treat her gently and patiently because she is so afraid. Treat her with empathy, just like you would treat a little girl in your care.

Take her hand, talk to her … a lot, ongoing. Out loud maybe. Hear her tell you she is scared. Guide her in taking one step at a time toward the studying and doing the things she is afraid of doing.

Every time you want a cigarette as an ineffective “solution” to the fear, talk to her. Tell the little girl you are there for her and will be there for her every step of the way.

It really is about developing a personal relationship with that inner child, or the child within, the child that you still are. It is about listening to her and talking to her. To yourself, that is, but gently, patiently, empathetically.

It is about taking good care of yourself, the best you can, all the time. Putting yourself first, working for your benefit, one step at a time, one day at a time, expecting only progress, no perfection. Expecting feelings to change, fear to get lesser and stronger and when you feel it stronger, know you can endure it as you have in the past. Know it will not kill you, it is just very uncomfortable.

Once you realize it is not dangerous, fear itself, it is only uncomfortable AND you have felt a whole lot of it and survived, once you build confidence in your strength to endure it without reacting automatically to it- then you are on your way to living a courageous and authentic life.

I hope I made sense. Will be back at the computer in about ten hours. Hope to read from you when I am back. Take good care of yourself, of the scared little girl in you: she needs your attention, your care, your empathy and gentleness, your loving guidance.

anita

Dear Daniela:

You are welcome. You wrote that you were first invisible and then you had to be perfect. My thought reading it was: when you had to be perfect, that meant that the imperfect you had to still be invisible, only what was perfect was invited to be visible. If this is so for you, then I can very much relate. We can continue this discussion any time. And here on this thread, your imperfection is welcome.

anita

Dear Sue:

Since this existing thread is still fresh in time, and the original poster may return to it (and is welcome to do so), it is better that you copy your above post and paste it into your own thread: click FORUMS above, choose a CATEGORY, click the chosen category (ex, RELATIONSHIPS), go down the page and paste into empty box. See you there!(no need to delete your post on this thread because the original poster may reply to it here).
anita