Thanks again for the replies. We had a quite peaceful weekend where we managed to talk a little bit and be calm around the kids.Regarding the questions you asked I have answered them below.

Why do you think he was unhappy with his job and life? He left University with a degree in Marketing and ended up working with his Father in a family business. He has never had a huge drive in a career and he admits it was the easy option. His father was in and out of his alcoholism at the time, so of course it was difficult for him.
Why did you leave the country? Why did you decide to start a business together? We left the country because he wanted a change and we felt the change would be good for the family (outdoor life, different cultures) and both of us were having to work full time and we were expecting a new baby and felt it would be the best idea for the family. I agreed because I thought it would help him and thought the family would benefit. We holidayed in the region many times, and my parents have a house here where they spend their holidays. In terms of our quality of life and that of the kids too, I feel its improved. We decided to start a business together because it was an idea for how we could make a living, and it was a good idea. Why did that business fail? It failed because despite doing a lot of ground work and research in the end when we submitted out plans to the council, they didn’t allow us to do what we wanted. In the meantime, I started working as a private nurse here and we started to get an income, so we didn’t persue it further.
Why did he fall into the role he is now playing? He fell into this role because I knew I could not sit back and not earn any money, as I have a career (a nurse) that is transferable I set about doing what I had to do so I could practice here. It made sense that he care for the kids while I was absent, and in all honesty he didn’t really try at all to find work. I found quite a few options- medical writing online, transcribing, cleaning, private nurse, baby sitting and now nurse recruitment. i was very lucky to find my current job, which as I said before I can work form home but does involve some travel.
Why was he so miserable in this role? I have asked this so many times, but he cannot really answer me. I feel it is because he feels devalued and he is not stimulated as much as he could be. But that is not because i stiffle him, or chain him to the sink. The kids are at school, he has a lot of free time he could spend doing whatever he wanted. Honestly, so long as the kids are cared for (they have food to eat and clothes to wear and are loved) he can spend that time doing whatever he likes. But he feels guilty about doing that, but that is his own perception, not form me. I honestly never nag or whine at him.
What role does he want to play in the relationship? I don’t know, I don’t think he knows, he shows no desire to be the breadwinner but doesn’t seem happy in the role he is doing now.
Do you appreciate the role he has taken on in the relationship? Absolutely, as I know i couldn’t fulfil my role at work if he wasn’t. i also couldn’t travel. My salary is enough for him not to work. I think he feels it when we are talking to people, and they ask him what he does. I say to him no-one would ask a stay at home mum the same, so why would they think the same of you? But it doesn’t change his mindset at all. Like I said before I would feel much happier if he felt content in his role. If he isn’t then we need to decide what we do.
Are you supportive in the role he has taken on in the relationship? Yes, I feel I support him well. I still cook, clean, sort the kids out, go food shopping, allow him free time at the weekends etc. He enjoys cycling and djing so in the last year I bought him a bike, and some dj decks and I take him to bike races sometimes. I would literally do anything for him that makes him happy, which is why it upsets me so much that he can treat me with so much hatred and resentment.
Do you criticize him in the role he has taken on in the relationship? No, never. The only thing I try and discuss is for him to have more patience with the boys. He is quick to anger, and his patience is very short.
Why won’t he take time for himself? He does, but he could do more for himself. I don;t know why he doesn’t, a perceived sense of guilt?
Why is he becoming more controlling, more jealous, more fearful? I don’t really know. He said to me once his worse fear is I think or feel “I deserve better”. Ironically, its only because of his moods and the way he talks and treats me that would ever say this. He isn;t very confident anymore, he used to be. he had a swagger, but now i think he feels inferior, but I don;t know why he would. Is it the male psych to feel he has to be the hunter gatherer, even if he hasn’t wanted to take that role on?
Why do you feel so tired and drained in a relationship that is supposed to be the opposite? Because he constantly critizes me, snaps easily, keep demanding more and more form me. I feel like I cannot do anything without him picking up on it. I think he has OCD, which makes life difficult for me. He will comment for example if the dishwasher isn’t loaded to his specification.; often it is done in a jokey way, but I feel often I have no autonomy. He will comment if I spend money, again often in a jokey way, but it still makes an impact on how I feel about it.
Why does he also feel tired, miserable and drained in this relationship? I don’t know, but he is a very negative person, in all works of life. But this has got a lot worse in the last few years,
Why don’t you both communicate what you are both feeling, thinking and desiring to one another? I try. But my feelings are often dismissed as being silly or too emotional. He said to me recently “why do you put so much emphasis on words?” and “You get emotional, don’t you, I think its a sign of weakenss”- I actually think I am strong, I get emotional (not so much with us anymore) but if a film is sad, if I miss someone etc.
What is causing this separation? His behaviour, and I have pulled away as a way of protecting myself I think.
Why is he lacking motivation? I thought he was depressed, he has been on medication for a while, it hasn’t helped that much. That said he never sits and does nothing, he doesn’t sit all day in front of the TV. right now he is in the garden tidying it up. He did the housework this morning etc. I appreciate everything he does. But he doesn’t do anything with any aspect of joy, its always with a moan.
Why is he so dependent upon you? He is financially and emotionally. He doesn’t have any friends he turns too and he has isolated himself from his family (I understand why).
Why does he want to limit the contact his children have with their grandparents? Because he feels its imbalanced, and they spoil them. They spoil them with love and affection. I think he feel less important when they are around.

He isn’t always like this, but it doesn’t come easy to him to be light and not take things seriously. I do enjoy his company when he isn’t in a dark mood, we laugh together. The kids have fun with him, we have fun as a family. But when we have a nice day, sometimes he can say one horrible thing to me or be on at me, and it just spoils it. I don’t understand why he doe it.