Forum Replies Created
April 20, 2017 at 4:33 am #145947
Thanks Anita, you helped me a lot when I posted before.
I saw him this morning and it felt more relaxed generally (he was dropping off the boys stuff). He knows he has pushed me to the point of no return. All I hope is way in the future we can have a mature co-parenting relationship. Next thing I need to broach is selling the family home. I cannot continue to fund both houses (as he isn’t working I am sending money to pay bills etc). I feel perhaps it is best to give him the opportunity to sort himself out (he told me he is giving up alcohol totally) and when he is in a better place talk about practicalities.
The sadness i feel is overwhelming at times and I know I need to grieve for the past relationship and what it could have been but also start looking forward to the future. I have some ideas about what i need to do regarding other areas in my life, and am looking forward to reestablishing relationships with family and friends (I am so incredibly lucky to have amazing support in real life) and being the best mother I can be.
Thanks again.February 28, 2017 at 8:28 am #131679
Belle: that is so lovely for you to come back and post and thanks for telling me I am an amazing mummy, I have had a lot of doubt about that, mainly due to guilt of splitting the family up and hurting their beloved father. I know really, he has done that, but its still hard to process. Thank you so much, I hope you find strength to find what you need to do. I can tell you its taken almost three years of almost despair for me to reach the point I have. Don’t be hard on yourself.
I am still finding it very difficult, but I am in my own space now. I’m realizing that my every waking moment around him 9and even when i was away from him) has been focused on keeping him happy. I have (and this is really difficult to admit) not been as available for family, friends and most importantly my two gorgeous boys. I am so very very proud of them both. They have dealt with it so far better than I could have expected and both have shown a huge amount of care and compassion (particularly for their father, who isn’t shielding them from his pain).
I am nearly three weeks since telling him i was leaving and just over 2 weeks in my own space. I am still finding daily life tough, but I am amazed at what I can do and have been able to do. Its like I am living a dream at the moment, but today I started to realize I need to connect and understand what is happening to ME. Shortly I will go for a walk, and look at the sea with no phone, nothing and just think.
I have had to see him quite a few times because of the boys, and I feel worse after I have seen him as he is broken. He wants me to wave a magic wand and make everything alright. He has shown more compassion to me in the last 2 weeks than in the last 21 years and I also need to remember that.
I feel “lighter” and when the guilt wears and I allow myself to grieve for everything our relationship was and should have been I know I will be in a better place.
Keep posting, and keep thinking. Don’t shut it out like I did for years and deny its happening, it will destroy your inner self. Good luck Belle <3February 13, 2017 at 9:56 am #127419
I think the 0.00001% is because I feel terribly guilty. I feel like its my fault. I am experiencing huge swings in emotions. I feel for him being alone. I know it was his doing, I know, but it doesn’t stop me feeling sad about it.
How do I unattach?February 13, 2017 at 5:01 am #127313
Just to confirm I have moved out and am in my own place with the children.February 13, 2017 at 4:57 am #127311
JJC: any updates from your situation?February 13, 2017 at 4:48 am #127309
Thanks Anita too, I appreciate your honesty. I have indeed put his needs above my own and probably above the children. I have tried to be the best parent I can to them, at the same time trying to clear the fog i have suffered for so long. I have a great bond with both of them and we communicate well. I know I delayed in making my decision and in time I guess I will blame myself for that. I am now in my own home, I have the boys with me and they are being amazing. I am so so very proud of them and sorry they had to witness any stress and upset. They are my priority, along with mending myself, and reconnecting with family, friends and work. I realise I have invested so much of my thoughts and life to him and I now I have the space I hope I can do that. Both boys have shown great strength hand empathy. I am happy for that.
I have a lot of work to do to stop the conditioning I have felt for so many years, but it is already feeling liberating. I feel relaxed for the first time in years. He has been actually quite nice the last few days and supportive. He wants to get himself sorted (so he says) and I want to try and remain in his life for support and so the boys can have a relationship with him. I strongly feel that the boys will benefit from us being apart. I am 99.9999% sure I am not returning, he thinks there might be a glimmer of hope. But I have been firm and in control, I have my autonomy back.February 9, 2017 at 4:33 am #127086
An update from me. After a lot of sould searching and trying to make things work, essentially nothing has changed and the feelings of walking on eggshells and not being able to do anything right have continued.
I have told my partner and am moving out the home on Saturday with my two wonderful boys.
He hasn’t taken it well, its been horrendous, which culminated in him forcing me to tell the kids last night in an uncontrolled way while he sobbed “dont do this, dont do this”. My 9 year old was hysterical, the youngest one didn’t really say anything I am not sure what his understanding is.
I feel free but terribly hurt I couldn’t protect my children last night from seeing his pain. It just confirms to me he is a self centred individual who sees no wrong in his actions. He cannot believe it, even though its been mentioned a lot of times. I still have love for him. I guess I want reassurance the kids are not going to be f**ked up by the whole mess. I am very focused on them. They are my priority. This morning I told both school teachers and have support in real life.
The teacher of the eldest offered an appointment with the school psychologist: should I wait and see what happens, or agree to that anyway?
He is very very upset of course. Thanks in advance.October 19, 2016 at 4:44 am #118481
@JJC thanks for checking in with me. I logged in today to write an update. So, around 2 weeks ago, he woke up in the morning and we had a really good talk. He said he wanted to see if he could improve and get back to how he used to be, and that he recognised his drinking and behaviour was having a huge impact on all of us.
I told him, I was prepared to try one last time. And I had dealbreakers- the two main ones being rage and pushing his insecurities onto me. I think I made it clear that if I feel like these have been broken, I will walk away. I think he realised finally, that in 21 years I have never given him a reason to believe I would be unfaithful and that he also needs to give me space. So I resolved myself to make a real effort and match his. He has had maybe 2 glasses of wine at dinner since in the last few weeks, has been eating much more healthily and exercising (guided by me, as I changed my lifestyle massively about 1 year ago). His moods have pretty much disappeared and he seems much happier. He has also done things like sign up for language lessons and has even volunteered to help the kids at the local school learn English.
While I am not 100% convinced this will last, I feel I owe it to our relationship to try for now and see how things go. He seems to have improved his confidence already, he is talking more Portuguese and he is out the house more which gives me a feeling of more freedom. Its only a couple of hours a few days a week, but it allows me to feel I can breathe again. I haven’t forgotten about how hard the last few years have been, in fact this change in behaviour made me realise just how bad it got, and that I don’t ever want to feel like that again. There have been no “eggshells” recently and my anxiety has reduced.
I have faith that he will continue, but time will tell. And if it reverts back to how it was, i know I can leave guilt free that i tried everything. I have never lost love for him, so i guess that helps, but its his efforts that will save this relationship not mine.
I hope you are doing well JJC 🙂October 6, 2016 at 7:12 am #117332
Should spouses be as up-front as possible as early on as possible, reach an agreement with what to/and what not share, deal with it, and then move on? I think boundaries should be set early on, if it is important for you to have an exact number of sexual partners your spouse has had, I would say you broach that early in the relationship. If your partner does not want to share, the individual should decide if that is important to them going forward to know the exact number. To be honest i imagine there are many men and women out there that simply don’t know the exact number they slept with.
If your spouse witheld information that later comes forward, there might have been a fear of sharing that information because they worry about how the other person would react. I don’t think it is deceptive necessarily, but you would need to understand why at that time the person wasn’t honest about it.
Ninjali: I read your other thread and I understand where you are coming from. However how about thinking about how after having many sexual partners, she chose and stayed with you,even though she was your first sexual partner. So you must give her something all those other men did not. Sounds to me all those years she was looking for love and affection in the form of sexual activity and finally she found and stayed with you. I have a family member who was very very sexually active in her youth, I don;t think she could tell you how many partners she had. It was all for attention. Now she is grown up and married she is ashamed of her past, but she has settled now and is very happy. Her husband gives her all the love she needs.October 5, 2016 at 1:23 am #117231
Ninjali: for me the STD and the prostitute issue wouldn’t matter. They have come clean with you and told you their past, regardless of the number. If you love that person and want a relationship with them, the numbers don’t count. Honesty and Trust do,.October 5, 2016 at 1:20 am #117230
“I would be more interested in if the person demonstrated they could be faithful while in a relationship with how many partners they had.”
So, do you (or anyone else out there) feel that the number of partners a person has had (or hasn’t had) can have an effect on their ability to stay faithful?
I meant to say ” “I would be more interested in if the person demonstrated they could be faithful while in a relationship THAN how many partners they had.”
I don’t think the number of partners yu have had makes a difference to whether you will be faithful, that is entirely based on your situations and your moral compass. Just to be clear, amazing how one word can change a whole sentance!October 4, 2016 at 8:20 am #117144
No: I don’t think your past and how many relations you have had makes a difference apart from if you have a concern about sexual health, but STD’s can happen if you only had one partner. I have been in a relationship for 21 years (a bad one at the moment but still…) and I don’t know how many sexual partners he had before me. I wouldn’t care.
If someone asked me I would tell them, but they don’t, in my opinion have a right to ask.
I imagine people who ask about numbers, are the ones who have issues and insecurities and therefore shouldn’t ask because it will only feed that. Not a relationship expert by any means but I think the past is the past and it shouldn’t matter. I would be more interested in if the person demonstrated they could be faithful while in a relationship with how many partners they had.September 30, 2016 at 7:59 am #116744
Yes,absolutely. Interestingly, apart from my Father and my partner. I love him dearly, and we have a good relationship but I don’t feel like I can totally be myself without him judging me. My mother is a wonderful kind person, and my dad although I know loves his kids dearly and would do anything for us, I can’t help but feel he is sometimes disappointed in us. And that is because I witnessed how he treats my mum sometimes.
Anyway, I know my mental health is suffering because I feel I have to validate my actions more and more with friends, family and colleagues. And that is one reason its making me more aware of the impact it has on me too. I feel like I have to explain myself sometimes, when i should just have the confidence to be who I am. I never had this self doubt and low self confidence until recently. A friend observed she feels like I shrink into myself when I am together with him, and i am different when I am alone.
I will take a look at the link you. Thanks again for taking the time to reply.September 30, 2016 at 5:50 am #116740
@brokenman. Our situations sound very similar indeed. Like you say the incidents are quite often isolated, then forgotten by him almost immediately, but I remember. I guess he is wondering if someone else is involved, because he feels it can’t possibly be “just” that that is causing me to question our relationship.
I have to keep thinking about everything, a lot I haven’t ever told him. For example, we live overseas and 2 years ago my sister got married in the UK. I was bridesmaid and I am close to my family. He didn’t think the marriage would last (it didn’t but that isn’t the point), so was grumpy all weekend. He didn’t even tell me I looked nice. He just had a face on all weekend. It spoilt my whole weekend with my family, and I felt sick the whole time as I was worried other people could see. That is just one occassion.
He doesn’t have time for his family, and over time he has passively controlled my interaction with me family, although he will deny this of course.
Anyway, the tension is always in the household, and I am sure at times I don’t help because I ask him why he is grumpy, as I think it must be me, maybe it isn’t always but I feel like it is.
I am reading a lot to try and understand why i would stay and put up with this, and to try and gain the courage to leave and stay away.
The biggest driver in this at the moment is his reluctance to accept his behaviour has caused problems, that I guess is my deal breaker. And god I have tried to get him to see the connection between his insecurities, his behaviour and in turn my behaviour towards him. I cannot be passionate about him and our relationship while I feel he is treating me badly. Its a self perpetuating cycle. And we just keep going round and round, without him thinking about the root cause. Probably my fault, because in one way or another I have allowed him to do this for 21 years. That isn’t to say there wasn’t happier times, its definatly escalated in the last 2 years.September 30, 2016 at 3:22 am #116734
Anita: Once again thanks for your honesty. I know you are right, I know I am right, but I am in such denial that he could be doing any of this on purpose, or that I might indeed by going mad. I guess that is a abuse right?
Last night we had a discussion. He kept saying to me ” I know what you are trying to do” but wouldn’t say what. I was telling him that I felt there wasn’t any acknowledgement of the impact of his actions. And his responses made me realise he doesn’t he really doesn’t. He keeps saying “there is more to this than you are telling me” as if he is implying that his actions cannot be the only reason why I am feeling so bad about our relationship.And if he doesn’t accept that I know he won’t change.
I know this, I just need the strength to break this cycle.