Hi Priscilla,

No! No it is not wrong at all to ask your partner for equal treatment and for your needs to be met. To me it seems like you clearly just want the same patience, thoughtfulness, and emotional support that you provide to her. No matter how strong you are, at the end of the day, we all need someone to lean on and depend on sometimes. I find myself wondering about these things reading through your thread… its a lot so dont feel like you have to respond if you dont want to, just take whats useful and throw the rest out… 🙂

1. She hears, but does she understand? When you talk, do you take time to be vulnerable and let her know this is something you need, and that it isnt about not loving her, its about feeling unloved? Have you taken the time to let her know how much it would mean to you to know that you are both comfortable with the outside world knowing about this part of your lives? Does SHE take the time to listen openly, or does she immediately brace herself, assuming that you are just criticizing her and putting her down (even if youre not)?

2. How much change are you hoping for? Timidness often comes from low self-esteem, and people outgrow it when they are given lots of positive encouragement to experiment with self expression. This might not be something she can change quickly. Can you be okay with a slow change process? Can you be okay with letting her know you accept her timid feelings, and you still want to see her cared about by friends who accept her for exactly who she is?

3. I dont blame you at all for feeling sick and tired of coaching her. Its exhausting to constantly build a partner up. At some point you just run out of fs to give. If you are usually communicating clearly, letting her know when you need some support from her, letting her know how she can help or take care of you, and she STILL isnt interested in it and always wants to be taken care of or punishes you for showing vulnerability and wont see a couples therapist with you- I think thats a good time to sit down and consider the future of a relationship.

Jessa