Dear Rennie:

Your post is very clear to me except for: ” Wasn’t that the person he betrayed in the first place? I know I had been extremely negative in the past…I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining.” Do you mean that before his affair he didn’t listen to you when you had a bad day? Or after the affair…not clear.

Otherwise, sounds very positive: him taking full responsibility, the fact, as I understand it, that it was a short affair, one affair after years of interpersonal neglect; the fact that the two of you had individual counseling and have started couple therapy. You read like a reasonable woman.

I understand wanting to “fast track it”- it is difficult and unpleasant and you wish this was not your life now. But it is.

Of course, it is your choice: to end the marriage or resurrect it. The exciting part about the second option is that it is possible for you to have a better than ever relationship with him as a result of this crisis. Possible, if you do work on the marriage every day from now on. And by “work” I mean an enjoyable, engaging kind of work, like interesting conversations, further insight, life being more interesting than ever in the context of your marriage.

In couple therapy, I hope it is not going to be about getting-along only but about something new, a meaning you and him can find in your union- something to motivate you and him individually and together to achieve a better quality of life.

For me a better quality of life is learning more and more about me and other people- it is fascinating. And for me it started in couple therapy five years ago. I learned that a good relationship is necessary for the two individuals healing from past injuries.

Hope you post again.

anita