Dear kevinkc75:

The troubles you experienced in your life, the troubles of the last two years- you carry these troubles with you now, in between-the-ears. This is what “every little thing trigger me back to a terrible place inside?” means: the troubles of the past are alive in your brain NOW and will continue for some time.

You asked: “How do I become myself again and be vulnerable and love?”

My answer:
1. End contact with your father, brother and ex girlfriend so you don’t have more troubles added to join the past troubles recorded already in your brain. At the least, end contact for the time required for your healing.

2. If it is possible for you attend psychotherapy with a competent, empathetic therapist to help you heal from the traumas. And/ or attend support groups for victims of PTSD (“Complex PTSD is the current diagnosis, I believe; different than the original war veteran and one-traumatic event type PTSD).

3. Practice relaxation techniques so to calm your brain, anytime and during times it is triggered: meditation (sitting or moving meditation, Mindfulness), aerobic exercise, yoga, Tai Chi, any one of these or other non-destructive techniques and distractions.

4. Post here anytime and I will reply.

anita