Anita,

Thank you for your input, I feel like this discussion has honestly helped me look at this from a better perspective.

I think I definitely don’t have enough patience with myself. I’m always seeing something wrong that needs to be improved. I look for flaws. I tend to forget what a huge accomplishment my weight loss was, how much work I put into it. And I did that despite my low self-esteem back then. I should focus on how far I’ve come, not how far I have to go. It’s just so hard to actually do that. I still get caught in thought loops that lead to panic attacks.

I definitely want to put the negative parts of my past (weight, anger from my mom, low self-esteem) behind me, but I feel I need to acknowledge it as well in order to stop feeling so disconnected from my past. I just read something about ‘depersonalization’ and that it can be caused by depression or intense life changes.

I’ll keep all this in mind. I just hope this feeling of not knowing who I am and that the world around me is meaningless and superficial, eventually goes away with time…