Thanks you guys, for replying!
You are both right anita, and xenopustex. It is crazy making, especially they go back to being loving and needing your support again within minutes, and I do also continually fall for it.
I think the reason I fall for it so continually is because the message is reinforced by my family. Whenever my dad did or said something that was hurtful the blame was turned onto me by my mum, my dad’s psychiatrist, even the teacher I went to talk to for “rocking the boat” or “upsetting him” . As my mum puts it “you cant expect him to change, or admit hes wrong” because “he’s sick and its not his fault”. The gist of it is I have to make peace with being abused, while being abused.
I tried to talk to my mum about shifting out for a bit, while im in therapy and in the process of healing because being around him triggers a lot of my fears and anxiety and she said “youre getting too far out of control”.
So where I am is; Ive made conscious efforts to make myself more aware of who I am and what I feel, and I feel unable to act on it. So i can either find out a way to “re-suppress” everything, which is how ive lived a long time, or act without support which I dont at the moment feel brave enough to do (a single woman moving out of her parents home to live somewhere else in the same city is unheard of in my city so it is unlikely that my extended family or friends would support me. Rather, I am likely to turn myself into a social outcast).
Thank you for allowing me the space to rant!
Lov,
m