I didn’t know where else to file it as my issue isn’t with a romantic relationship, but an amazing friendship that I decided to ruin.

I met my best friend 7 years ago through mutual friends. When we met, we instantly hit it off, and built a really close and really great friendship. She was going through a really bad breakup as well as a breakup with her former best friend. After a year or so of trying to hold onto her ex and trying to numb the pain in her heart, she set out on a path of growth and grew into this truly amazing woman with an incredible career, a good set of morals and values, and the kind of integrity and respect for herself that you don’t see in a lot of people anymore. For the past 5 years though, she had made the decision to not date but just better herself.

In these 5 years, we became truly inseparable – she took me on every family vacation and invited me to every family event. Anything she wanted to do, I was invited and expected to participate in because I was her person; her nonromantic companion if you will. I think it was a way of always having someone there but without the risk of getting her heart broken. That being said, at the beginning of the year, she decided she was ready to date again… and admittedly, I did not take it well. I guess, without realizing it, I had gotten used to the dynamic of our friendship and wasn’t sure how to be open to it changing.

For the past 10 months, as she has dated and tried to get to know this guy or that guy, I have been incredibly unsupportive and difficult throughout the process. While I should have been the first person she could go to about the good and bad about each guy, she felt as if she couldn’t talk about it with me at all (though she continually tried.) And as she embarked on this new journey, she tried consistently to continue to invest in me and show me that I would always be her best friend, no matter who came in and out of life.

About 3 weeks ago, after bashing her latest interest over and over again (he’s 7 years younger) and judging her for wanting to get to know him, she had finally had enough. At first, she said the friendship was over and then told me she just needed a break. We spoke daily and got together a couple of times a week but within the past 3 weeks, we have only spoken a couple of times. And all of the plans we had made, she has either not done or done with other people.

She has reached out maybe once a week. The first time was to tell me she had been thinking about me. The following week, she asked me out to dinner but then retracted her invite the next day, saying that she wasn’t ready and her heart was not in it. She recently sent an email saying that she did miss me, but she felt a huge weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. However, she said that if we reconnected, it would have to be as friends because the best friend relationship took the friendship to extremes she could not handle.

I reached out this week. I sent an email. In her reply, she said it sounded like I was on a good path and that she was interested in rebuilding, but she felt like she was currently right where she needed to be. I had mentioned wanting to build a healthier and better friendship and showing her why she had chosen me as her best friend in the first place. She mentioned that she didn’t know what the future held, but she was definitely into rebuilding — i just had to rebuild myself first.

I guess I am really confused by several things. First, in 7 years, our fights have really only lasted a day or 2 tops. And we generally pick up right where we leave off almost immediately. So I guess her recent resistance and claim that the best friendship portion has expired and need for space has given me a lot of anxiety that she and her circumstances have either already changed or will change to the point of there being no room for me. In one email, she said she knows what she’s missing out on by not having me in her life – if thats the case and she misses me like she says she does, why is she still not speaking to me or trying to get together? And I keep telling her she is still my best friend, so how does she expect to go back and pretend like we weren’t best friends for the past 7 years?

I am really confused by all of this. Like, is my best friend wanting me back around or not? The back and forth is aggravating. She reaches out then basically tells me nevermind. Gives me hope that she wants to move forward, but then tells me she’s good where she is. I also want to know how to better adjust – feel calm about the situation, not worry so much, and just let things work themselves out but I am so terrible at that. Have been all of my life. Any advice? I just want to zen out, love myself more, and be the fun and happy person I used to be before I let worry and anxiety take over everything and basically ruin things like great friendships.