Dear blckhwkdwn1:

You are having a tough time. I had times like that and I survived them and have a better life now. It can be so for you too.

You are having a difficult, difficult time, feeling a lot of pain and anger, frustration and despair.

Anytime you feel like hurting yourself, please check into a hospital, and emergency clinic; call Emergency (911) or a hotline (see “Free Resources” on the Home Page of this website). There is no one on this Forum acting here as a professional of any kind; no one here equipped to handle members who express thoughts of self harm.

To feel better, to improve your life, to make a good life for yourself, as good as possible, there are steps to take. One step at a time.

Living with a father who yells at you and puts you down is unhealthy for you. One of the steps to take would be to move out and never again live with a person who yells at you and otherwise abuses you.

Going to psychotherapy with a competent therapist, one who is empathetic and has your best interest at heart, is another step. In therapy, you will learn to be nice to yourself, first and foremost.

You wrote above that you are tired of “wanting to make people happy”- an important step is to focus on you, on improving your own well being, not others’!

This suffering you experience, this intense suffering, I remember I used to think that if I suffer that much, someone will help me. If someone did something for me, it seemed to me like nothing. That was because I needed SO MUCH help, the little I received seemed too little. I was also angry, angry about suffering alone, angry that people don’t do MORE for me.

The sad reality is that at any time, including right now, as you are reading this, millions and millions of people are suffering intensely. I am not suffering tonight. Not tonight. But I did, many, many nights for many years. And I don’t know when I will suffer again, but as Clint Eastwood said in Unforgiven, the movie: “We all have it coming.”

Calm down best you can. Life can get better and it will. The calmer you get, the faster your life will improve. Post again, anytime. (Please no F words/ profanity and no self harm writing)!

anita