These past few days I have recently receiving great emotional support from people who appear to be my friends(?). Saying they love me and my faults,my honesty and would grieve in my absence. And for a while these were seemingly genuine comments, since I’ve never known how i impacted people’s lives before and this is news to me. Even though I’m facing a heaping load of shit face on (unwillingly), I have these tiny hopes to back me up, to know that when I get through this at least one person will be waiting. And now I think, maybe I come off as someone vulnerable as well. After a few days, they thought my lack social experience meant I would be more prone to stressful comments. They began to pressure me to open up about things I’m still wary about, telling and saying stuff to me that only worsen my view of myself. Pushing my new found trust to it’s limit already. To think that I could be so stupid as to trust again. To finally open myself up only to get damaged in the process, and I think “my soul is probably a battered mess right now” and you know, I don’t think I’m too far off from the truth. I just can’t see why I even bother anymore.. My grades are falling and now the teachers have resulted to calling my mom of ALL PEOPLE to tell about my depression, this just goes to show I can’t rely on anyone. Her rash statements and thoughtless replys to my answers leave me moving farther away. Despite my dad being absent from my life sometimes, it’s still so much easier to talk to him about my problems. I can’t tell anyone anything without them just replying with an “oh” or passing it off as a crude joke. It hurts so bad now, I’m actually thinking of a plan to end my life by this point. I had often wondered what happened to the people who’ve went silent on websites after announcing that they’ve felt suicidal, and I’m probably the only one. And i think Maybe if I were disappear as well I’d be able to find them. That’s what I’m going to do. I can’t stomach this anymore, I haven’t been able to eat as much lately, it’s only getting harder. I don’t want to shoulder this weight alone anymore, and if I Go I won’t have to. I won’t have to even think, I’ll cease to remember everything I once was. There’s no salvation left in store. Every teacher, every student, every relative, even every stranger sees me the same. That because I am young I couldn’t even begin to understand the things going, and hey, that’s probably true! But I’m owning up to the fact aren’t I? That’s gotta say something here. I don’t feel bad or selfish about what I want to do, I feel confused and out of it almost every day at school or at home. Like I’m not really there. I’m gaining weight, facing a decline in energy overall. There’s nothing else left to do that’s in my power. So I believe I’ve enjoyed what I’ve experienced in this life to an extent, I can only apologize for what I’ve done to people that already gone in
it,to all of the things I’ve brought up from imagination only to be lost within cluttered files. I can only know that at the end of the day, I had one person waiting for me. And that’s all I’ve ever truly wanted, for someone to make me feel like I was once human, that I still am.