Dear singhcool:

I am suggesting a correction in your thinking as expressed above. You wrote: “I need to be happy with myself, then I can make a stable relationship.” Having read about your childhood and experience so far, you need to connect with others, and with your emotions while connecting with others, so to be happy with yourself.

we are born social animals, we develop through connections with others. We are never truly independent. Of course, you don’t want to be over dependent, but some dependency is in our nature.

I think you got scared, as a child, about needing people that hurt you. You needed love but you got hate instead (uncle), or you got nothing (father, due to distance; mother due to her overworking). You still need love. But now, as an adult, you have more options than you did as a child. Now, you can choose to (reasonably) depend on a person who is dependable and not depend on a person who is abusive, disrespectful or just not available.

The only choice healthy for us, is not between needing and not needing people, but between needing dependable, loving people and NOT needing undependable, disrespectful people.

anita