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It's been 4 months and I still can't get over him

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • December 29, 2016 at 4:32 am #123877
    Rachel
    Participant

    I am in a lot of distress right now and looking for some help. This post might get long so apologies in advance but I would really appreciate some advice.

    Quick backstory- I’m in my mid 20s and quite an introverted and guarded personality. A year and a half ago, I became friends with a visiting student at university (he came for 2 years) and he quickly became my best friend- I know I didn’t know him that long but he really is the best friend I have ever had. Halfway through that friendship, I developed feelings for him but never acted on them since I knew he was going to leave the country, and frankly speaking, never thought he would like me as more than a friend so didn’t want to ruin/lose the friendship. But we were so close that people really thought we were together for a long time, especially in the months leading up to his departure. We did everything together and I got so used to having him around all the time. Fast forward to a month before he is due to leave and he tells me that he has feelings for me and we let our emotions get the best of us and spend that last month as more than friends. It was magical but also quite an emotional time because I was getting what I wanted but also with the knowledge that he’d be leaving soon. He was also my first ever ‘relationship’ (I don’t know what else to call it).

    Well, soon he left and we decided to be friends even after he leaves. Getting over him was extremely hard and emotionally taxing but I kept going. I did spend weeks crying and being upset but then I decided it has to change and I did everything I could to get over it- I took up new hobbies, I started volunteering more and other distractions so that I don’t just mope around and think about him again and again. It took a while (nearly 4 months), but finally I thought I was more or less over the romantic feelings I had for him, I thought I could finally deal with them and keep them at bay, at least. We did keep in contact all this time (in hindsight, maybe that is what kept me from getting over him completely?)

    Anyway, it was going fine, we even planned a holiday (just as friends) to see each other and I was super excited to see my friend soon. But recently, he mentioned a new girl that I think he is into now and my heart sank. It hurt so much, which it shouldn’t if I really am over him. I think I sort of relapsed since then. I imagine them together and him treating her the way he treated me and my heart just breaks. I don’t know why though, it’s not like I expected anything to happen between us anyway, and I knew he would eventually find someone new. But I guess it makes me upset because of how quick it was for him while I struggled for so long? I’m not sure and honestly now, these feelings again are killing me. Now I’m back to doing what I did when he left- even embarrassing things like stalking him on social media. I know this sounds insane and I realise this as I’m typing that it does sound completely and utterly unhealthy but that is why I am here for help. I really don’t want to feel these feelings and be miserable anymore but I don’t know how to stop being upset, accept what has happened and just move on. Many have suggested cutting contact, at least for a while, but it’s hard. He’s a close friend and I do like talking to him. To complicate things, our holiday is coming up soon an while I was excited before, I am scared now- I don’t how I’ll deal with him talking about her (if he does). It’s not like I don’t know that we will only just be friends, and it’s not like I want anything more, but then why the thought of him finding someone else so quickly makes me upset? Why can’t I get over him nearly 5 months later? I’m losing faith. 🙁

    I apologise for the length again but please help me. Thank you.

    • This topic was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Rachel.
    December 29, 2016 at 8:00 am #123887
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear nutellatoast:

    Some of your distress can be eliminated if you have an understanding of what is happening. I would like to suggest to you my understanding, for your consideration:

    You were and are ” an introverted and guarded personality,” you wrote. The relationship with this young man is a first of its kind. It was, when he was physically present in your life, very special, very meaningful to you, and again, the first of its kind. When he left, that relationship-in-person was still.. the first and ONLY one of its kind.

    It is not reasonable for you to expect to be over him simply because he is no longer there physically, or because you knew ahead of time that he will leave- because still, that was the first and only. You can’t help but miss and long for the connection you had with him. You can’t help but want more of that. Anyone in your place would still be attached, still want more of such a good, good thing.

    You wrote: “I know this sounds insane and I realise this as I’m typing that it does sound completely and utterly unhealthy”- this does not sound insane to me, not at all. As I wrote, it is natural and understandable and healthy to long for a relationship, for more of the first and only relationship of this kind.

    It is when you experience a relationship like this again, a healthy loving relationship with another trustworthy man (since this guy is not available to you as a boyfriend), that you will get over him.

    Moving on from this point I just made: why don’t you share these very feelings with him, as the friend you are hoping to keep?

    anita

    December 29, 2016 at 10:08 am #123903
    Rachel
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    First of all, thank you so much for your calm and understanding response. Before I found this place, I went looking for help elsewhere and was made feel like what I was doing/feeling was insane and unreasonable so thank you for making me realise it’s okay to feel this way and it’s somewhat natural to feel like this after experiencing such a connection with a special person for the first time. It has somewhat calmed me and my thoughts, so thank you again.

    Now, you said that “it is when I experience something like this again with another trustworthy man that I will get over him”. I understand what you’re saying and I agree with it- once I see that it’s possible to form such a connection with someone else too, I will perhaps find it easier to let go of this one. But what if this not a possibility in the near future? I honestly don’t feel ready to see or let someone close to me at this stage of life. I think I’m scared of being hurt and going through this again and so to protect myself, I feel like I shouldn’t let anyone in until I learn to be emotionally strong and capable of handling something like this better if it were to happen again. For eg, I took him moving on so ‘quick’ personally and thought it has something to do with me- the rational part of me knows this has little to do with me but the anxious part of me overpowers and makes me upset. So basically, I want to reach a point where I am able to be just as happy being by myself and not depend on someone else for that happiness. I don’t know if I am making myself clear. What do I do in this case? How do move past this feeling I have at the moment and work towards bettering myself? Will I be able to get over him without having someone else in my life? All these thoughts really scare me.

    As for sharing these feelings with him- I have thought about it a lot and I guess I’m scared, which is kind of sad because he really is one of the only few friends I feel comfortable enough opening up to and who really understands me. I am scared he will think I’m crazy to still be holding onto something that happened 4-5 months ago. I guess I’m scared he won’t understand? But I will definitely consider it as I know this is probably one of the few things that will really put my anxious mind at ease.

    Once again, thank you, I really appreciate your help. I am sorry again for a lengthy post but I am really in need of some help and I find your advise quite valuable.

    December 29, 2016 at 10:34 am #123907
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear nutellatoast:

    You are welcome. Your posts are not too lengthy for me- didn’t even cross my mind that they are lengthy. Please do feel comfortable posting here as many times as you would like and express all that you need to express in each post. I will reply to you every time I am at the computer and seeing that you posted.

    I understand your fear and anxiety. This is the tough part, this fear. This is my input about the anxiety and distress you are experiencing:

    It is survivable. You already experienced a lot of it before you met this man (this is why you were guarded, why this is the first of its kind). And you survived it. It didn’t hurt you physically, did it? When we are afraid, we think we can’t endure it, at times, that it is too much. But millions of people live through intense anxiety (I did) and survive it into old age, with no illnesses. Fear doesn’t kill in itself. If it did, after a horror movie, there would be dead body all over the theater.

    There are skills to reduce anxiety and distress, from deep breathing, meditation, the ongoing, daily practice of Mindfulness to aerobic exercise, hot bath, relaxing music, different skills and ways at different times.

    Competent psychotherapy, if you can arrange for it, will be very helpful.

    As to your thinking that you can work on yourself, be happy by yourself, and THEN you will be ready for a relationship without the anxiety-

    Let’s say you attend psychotherapy and/ or learn relaxation skills while not in a relationship- these will be excellent. Absolutely. But thing is, after all that work alone, once you are starting a relationship with a man you will feel attached to, a significant part of the anxiety will be there. This is because a good part of your anxiety is about being attached to another person (again, this is why you were guarded and still are).

    When you are in a relationship again, first, you will need to choose an honest trustworthy man, evaluating one over time to determine this. Then you will have to practice relaxation skills, apply new insight you get in therapy, communicate well with the man, and so, hand in hand, literally and figuratively, you will be able to proceed and engage in a healthy, loving relationship, one moment, one day at a time. Over some time, you will be finding yourself calm for longer and longer periods of time.

    Let me know what you think of my input and let me know what you want to discuss next.

    anita

    December 29, 2016 at 5:28 pm #123958
    Rachel
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your kind words and your input, it is very helpful and I really appreciate it.

    I agree with what you’re saying, it makes complete sense and lets me look at thing from a newer perspective. I need to conquer my fear but that does not mean I turn down another opportunity that might present itself before I have learned how to deal with my anxiety. Moreover, psychotherapy is something I have been pondering over a lot and think might be useful for me, as I have anxiety affecting other aspects of my life too. I will definitely look into it and what you’re suggesting.

    But I am finding it quite difficult to move on from what my friend mentioned about a new girl in passing. Up until that moment, I had learned to deal with my thoughts rather well (after a lot of effort), I was not constantly thinking of him and our time together. I had progressed somewhat and was happy. But now I find myself doing what I used to do again, I catch myself thinking about him and someone else doing and having what we once did and had and I get upset. I want to tell him to stop telling me about that aspect of his life for now- that I’m not yet ready yet and it’s too soon. Is that unreasonable? I don’t understand why I feel like this though- in my mind I know that I neither expect nor want nor can I have anything more than friendship with him and I am okay with that. But then why can’t I be happy that he has found someone new that he might be interested in? Am I obsessing over him now? Isn’t it unhealthy? How can I stop?

    Thank you for dealing with my rather irrational problem.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Rachel.
    December 29, 2016 at 7:02 pm #123964
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear nutellatoast:

    As far as your relationship with your ex boyfriend, now friend, I see two options:

    1. Ask him to not share with you anything about women in his life, ones he may be interested in or otherwise, girlfriends. You can explain to him that you are hoping to successfully make the transition from girlfriend to friend but you are not there yet. You can explain to him that logically you know the situation, but your emotions didn’t catch up to your logic yet. You know you and him are friends, but emotionally you feel like a girlfriend.

    2. Let him know that you need a no contact break with him, a month, two months, you decide. Let him know you need that break for the same reason I stated in #1 above. After the break you can evaluate the situation: do you need to extend the no contact break or resume contact with him. If you resume contact, notice how the contact affects you and evaluate again.

    As the anxious person that you are, you need to take good care of yourself. You need to take your anxiety in consideration as you plan every part of your life. This is why I suggested the above two options.

    Attending competent psychotherapy, with an empathetic, hard working therapist, to specifically work on your anxiety will help a lot. A professional therapist will evaluate you in the first few sessions, ask questions, listen to you. After a few sessions he should give you, in writing, his evaluation (diagnosis), objectives for the therapy he is planning for you and strategies how he plans to meet those objectives. Part of therapy should be psycho-education, him sharing with you reading material, giving you exercises (written, guided meditation) to do at home (homework).

    Regarding obsessing about him- obsessing happens when we are anxious. I hope number one or two above will reduce and maybe eliminate the obsessing.

    You called your problem an “irrational problem”- I think of it as a human problem. Our logic or rational and our emotions are not separate. They are intricately connected in our brains. Thinking is connected to feelings and the other way around.

    Let me know your thoughts about the first and second option…?

    anita

    December 30, 2016 at 4:45 am #123986
    Rachel
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    As always, your help is much appreciated. Thank you again for giving a much clearer picture of the situation and helping me sort the numerous thoughts in my mind out. The two options sound very reasonable and accurate, and I definitely think communicating them to him honestly would help me and us in the long run. I will first try option 1 since the holiday with him really cannot be cancelled and once I know how I feel after the holiday, I might have to go through option 2 as well, I will have to see about that. I would rather not turn into an obsessive person and miss out on all the other experiences of life due to that, only to regret it later. So I will do what seems necessary then. Thank you again, your words really help keep my thoughts in check and see things clearly.

    As for psychotherapy, thank you for explaining it to me. It sounds like something that would benefit me, not only in this situation but also other parts of my life, like university and work. I will look into it and hopefully it’ll help me better myself.

    Thank you Anita, you are very kind and I am glad to have found this place. Your understanding and thoughtful advice has helped me clear the mess of thoughts in my mind, see things from the outside and just helped me accept the situation as it is without feeling crazy or insane. 🙂

    Rachel

    December 30, 2016 at 6:05 am #123990
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rachel:

    You are welcome. Thank you for your expressed appreciation. Your plan reads reasonable to me. Feel free to post again, anytime, regarding this relationship and any other topic.

    anita

    December 31, 2016 at 3:47 am #124051
    Brandon
    Participant

    Rachel,

    It looks like Anita is giving you some great advice. I wanted to take a second to add a few thoughts nonetheless.

    The first thing that hit me about your story is you mentioned your are an “introverted and guarded personality.” I can relate to that. When we make a strong connection, we have a tendency to experience higher highs and lower lows. We become involved in situations that may not be the best, stay in them longer than we should and are hit extremely hard by a loss. What do you feel is completely normal.

    The other thing that struck me is you mentioned you made yourself busy. Remember there is a huge difference between dealing with the problem as opposed to staying busy and avoiding the problem.

    The time of year could be another factor. Regardless of the country you live in or your religious beliefs, the holiday season can be difficult for many people. Amplified feelings of loss this time of year is something that transcends nationality or religion.

    My suggestions:

    1. Recognize your own value. Part of the problem can be that we look to a relationship to complete ourselves. We sell ourselves short and forget what we are worth. Take a minute to write down five good qualities you have. Focus on what you have, not the loss.

    2. With a new or short-lived relationship it is easy to emphasize the positives and overlook the negatives. The initial infatuation blocks our ability to see the big picture. I would never ask you to think negatively about a friend but to be realistic about the long-term prospects. Sometimes we forget there can be a silver lining. In other words, when one door closes, another opens.

    3. Sometimes staying in contact may make things more difficult. This is magnified by the greater degree of loss we feel. Trying to turn your emotions on and off like a switch is not realistic for most people. Hope comes and goes with each meeting, phone call, text message, etc. It would be good to consider whether remaining in contact causes you more harm than good.

    4. Finally, outside help can be useful. This website is a great resource but also professional assistance for a short time can help to get you back on track.

    Hang in there, it is not a fun time but you will get through it.

    Brandon

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