I agree with you 100%. My mind set was on the end of our relationship & not him & what he was going through at that moment. As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20. When I arrived at his house that Thursday night, I should have went to him & hugged him, kissed his cheek, comforted him & be the rock that he needed at that time. Instead I stood there, stone cold, with my arms crossed, showing I was closed off, just firing questions at him about me & our relationship instead of offering my ear & supporting him. I was too wrapped up in me & the wedding, relationship, oppose to seeing that he is hurting. I see that now… But now, do I fix this? Can I even fix this? It is going on three weeks without communication. I wanted to leave him alone to get myself strong so that I can be what he needs & not this needy girl. I know he has enough on his plate right now, more than he can handle clearly. It worries me because I don’t feel he has the best support system around him. I know your friends support your decision & are there to make you feel better. Are they feeding into this? Especially the best friend who doesn’t like me? There are so many unknown variables right now. And yes, I know the only person that has the answers is him. But at this time & given his present state of mind, is he thinking more clear? I am sure his work has not eased up in the past couple of weeks.

I just don’t know what to do here! Please help me!

All of what you say is true… I do see him as the “man” therefore, needs to be the strong one in our relationship. And I do see where I failed as his “future wife” the strong, independent woman! He was extremely patient with me for the first two months of our relationship. He was patient, he was kind & understanding. As you said in your earlier reply, I was very insecure in the relationship is the very beginning. And yet through it all, he stood by me. Which is quite the dilemma I am in now… I do need to show him that I can be the strong & that I can be dependable. I need to show him that when he is having a rough patch, I can be there to support him & pick him up when he is down.

My therapist said to me on day one tell me three of his best qualities & three of his worst. He said to me think about it before you answer. So I sat there & really thought.

His three Best Qualities Are:
– Patient
– Loving
– Generous (not in a materialist way)

His three Worst qualities are:
– Work-a-holic
– People Pleaser
– Bad Communicator

The therapist then asked me, so what did I do that was so horrible to this man that would make him want to leave me? Make him fall out of love with me?

Did you cheat on him? No
Did you lie to him? No
Did you abuse him? No
Are you abusing substances? No
Did you steal from him? No
Did you gamble his money away? No

He then said, ok… so you didn’t do any of those things that would cause him to change his mind about you, therefore, you need to stop playing the “blame game” with yourself. He said that right now, my fiancé feels like he is failing & there are a million things that are changing in his life right now. He cannot keep up with his work, failure, he cannot give your relationship the time it needs, failure, he cannot give you what you deserve (as he told me), failure, he cannot keep his best friend happy, failure… you add all of these things together plus the fact that everything is changing in the process, his new position, which is a huge undertaking, the change in his status – single to married, the change with his friendship, the changing of homes… he said all of these things are huge to deal with let alone, and for him, everything is happening all at once. He said that right now my fiancé is running around in the dark forest bumping into trees because he is running with his eyes close. That he has no idea where he is going or how he is even going to get there. The therapist said to me that he ended our relationship the way he did NOT because he doesn’t love me or his feelings have changed, rather that it makes him feel less guilty that he ended the relationship. He made a clean cut & thought it would be enough to make me hate him & make me walk away because he can’t deal with everything that is going on. My therapist said that we need to make me stronger & more self confident so that I can go to my fiancé, and sit him down & say, “Listen to me, listen to every word I am saying. Don’s answer me right now, just hear me out & think about it… I Love You. I am not giving up on you, I am not giving up on US! I am here to support you. Let me in! Let me be your support system when times get rough. Let me be your sounding board when you have had a stressful day. I am a strong woman! I was a strong woman before you & I will be a strong woman after you! No woman will ever love you the way that I do! We made a commitment to each other & I value that above all! Get it through your head, I LOVE YOU & I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE”

Then he told me not to say another word because everything else I say after that will just be white noise & go in one ear & out the other. That he will stop listening to me… But I need to believe that in myself & I need to get there. I am struggling with that right now because I am hurt. And he cut me out of his life completely! I want to be able to say all these things to him because I feel it but I am afraid that I will crumble. I am afraid that I will push him over the edge!

I agree that he felt good in the beginning knowing that he is the “man” & that I depend on him but he also needs to know that I am just as strong & can do the same for him.

Good Point Anita –
When everything happened with regard to the best friend, I told him that would not be able to marry him if things continued the way they were going, 🙁 . I told him that I felt like he did not understand where I was coming from & that he did not defend me the way I feel he defends her actions. Let me give you a little background here on this friendship.

My fiancé is the middle child. He has an older brother that was in the military & then of course there is the baby… For a while, his older brother was over seas (7 years) & the younger brother was away at college living in another state with his friend. My fiancé had the run of the house at the time & all attention was on him. About a year into this, his mother told him that it was time for him to be on his own. That he had a good job & he needed to stand on his own two feet. So that is what he did. He moved out of the family home & got an apartment. Right after he moved out, his parents put their family house up for sale & moved away to a different state, leaving my fiancé here by himself. So his whole family was “dissolved” in a matter of a year and a half. During this time, he met this girl, we will call her “Daisy”. Daisy was into the same things my fiancé was such as metal music & playing instruments. They became friends & then were more than friends. I think the relationship lasted a little over a year but according to my fiancé, “Daisy” & him were better as friends and that is how they stayed for many years. “Daisy” became bi-sexual & got involved with this girl & they moved in together. Apparently, “Daisy” did not have a good home life & considered my fiancé as her family. She relied on him for everything. For example, when “Daisy” & her gf were living with “Daisy’s” mother & her mother disowned her & kicked her out, my fiancé told them to come live with him in his house at the facility he worked at until they got on their feet & were able to get a place of their own. So for a few months that is what was going on. “Daisy” & her gf eventually moved out into an apartment together but then they broke up. So “Daisy” ran back to my fiancé and asked to move back in because she had no where to go. So my fiancé, being who he is welcomed her back in. Well “Daisy” & her gf ended up back together & then they all moved back in with my fiancé. So once again, it was a little “Family” for a year or two. Then my fiancé got another promotion at work & had to relocate to another facility… at that point, you would think “Daisy” & her gf would have been on their own or a good time to find a place to live by themselves, NOPE! They moved with him to the new home. And lived there for another two years, up until I met him in the fall of 2015. They finally moved out to their own place in January of 2016 after “Daisy’s” gf said it is time to move on & let him live out his new life with his new girlfriend, me. So I think she kind of had resentment towards me at that point because he was no longer there all the time for her. When “Daisy’s” gf was working or had something to do, my fiancé was with me. I think she thought I was going to be another flavor of the month or a passing phase. But when our relationship took a turn to the more serious side & he proposed, that is when everything went upside down. She would pass comments fir example, she said to my fiancé, “Oh I thought you wanted to get married in a kilt?” & he replied, “I did when I was younger but not anymore” & she was not ok with that answer. She immediately said why are you letting her change you or she doesn’t know you the way I do. There was always constant little digs being thrown at me. For our engagement party, I bought my bridesmaid’s these sterling silver bracelets & he got the guys personalized socks. I told my fiancé that we should get “Daisy” something different & he was adamant that she was to get socks too… I told him, I understand she is on your side of the bridal party but she is STILL IN FACT A FEMALE. He was like, no she is one of us… Here is another example, “Daisy” got hurt on the job. Who would be the first person you call? I know for me it would have been my fiancé, for her it wasn’t. It was MY fiancé! It is like she is jealous of him & I, not because she wants him in a romantic way, but she wants him to be her “person” so to speak. At our engagement party, “Daisy” made a fool of herself in front of all of my family & friends. It was hard trying to explain their friendship to everyone that had never met her before & quite uncomfortable for me to be completely honest. She was grabbing him in the dance floor, constantly taking selfies of herself with him. Being obnoxious & crude… and at the end of the night, when we went to say good bye to her & her gf she completely turned her back to me, kissed my fiancé on the cheek & walked out! I was so upset! I didn’t know it at the time but, my fiancé went after her that night in the parking lot to yell at her for doing that to me. The following day was the first time I brought this up to him. He told me he would take care of it. Now it took him months to say anything to her about it because he doesn’t like confrontation & he doesn’t like to hurt ANYONE’S feelings. He truly does have an amazing heart, however, by doing that, it caused me much hurt & frustration because I felt like he did not have my back as my partner/future husband should have. He finally did say something to her about it & I am not exactly sure when he did this but “Daisy” told him that I need to apologize to her for being rude to her. He never told me this…
Which now brings us to present time, the week before Christmas he asked me if I could reach out to her for him & make amends because there will be a lot of things coming up that we will all be together & he wants us to all get along. That is when I told him about all the hurt I had been holding onto & how I felt. That is when I told him that I cannot marry him if she is standing up there as his “Best Grooms Woman”. I was holding off on saying anything because I know how important his friends are to him & I respect that 110% however, I am going to be your wife, I needed to let go of all this pent up frustration I had with this situation & explain my feelings. That is when he begged me not to leave him. When he basically re-proposed, getting back down on one knee, asking me to marry him again. Telling me that I am his world & he does not want to go a day without me. He told me that day for him it was love at first sight. He knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He told me that he sees me already as his wife & that I am & will always be his #1 priority!

Two weeks later, here we are… him, telling me that he doesn’t feel the same way anymore about me & that he was forcing himself to say those things to make himself believe them. To me, that is not it. It doesn’t feel right to me. When you fall out of love with someone, you don’t want to be with them, let alone around them. You don’t pull them close into you while you are on the couch watching TV or a movie. You don’t reach for their hand while walking through a store. You aren’t intimate with them anymore. You don’t text them every night, even after we see each other, “I love you, sweet dreams”. You don’t text the, EVERY morning when you wake up, “Good Morning Beautiful” then call them on your way to work! Those things would have ended. I would have felt the divide or disconnect.

I am so afraid of losing this man! I don’t know how to make this right! I pray everyday, three, four, five times a day! I am so lost! I can’t eat, I can’t sleep… I have lost over 25 lbs. in two & a half weeks. I feel so out of control & lost. He is my home, my comfort. I want to hear his voice again. I want to taste his kiss. I want to hold him tight in my arms!

I sent him all the invoices to the vendors for the wedding to cancel them because I cannot handle it & I don’t want it to be done… today I got an email from the Limo company asking me to sign this form voiding our contract. I knew it was coming, but none the less it hurt to see it & know that he called them to cancel. I know that the big picture here is not the wedding. I know that as of right now, that ship has sailed… but to give up on us, on our relationship. It just isn’t right! Something doesn’t fit! There is more to this & I want more than anything to fix it… but I don’t know how~

Anita –

I don’t feel that he was “acting”. The perfect opportunity to end the relationship, if he was unhappy & not “in love” with me any longer the week before Christmas when everything happened with his best friend. If he truly was pretending & not wanting to go through with our relationship, there was the perfect time for him to end it – he chose to stay. He chose to re-propose & confess his love again. How could you fake that? How could you literally be in hysterics & so fearful of losing the relationship if it was “forced” to begin with. Believe me, for the past two & a half weeks now, I have been dissecting this over & over again.

It just does not make any sense to me. And yes, clearly I am “mourning” the loss of this relationship, but there is something that will not let me just let go of this. I feel this entire thing that has happened between us is a complete misunderstanding & failure to communicate on both of our parts.

I feel the need to reach out to him & have a discussion regarding this. As I have said before, this is not about a wedding. This is about our lives, the commitment we made to each other the day he decided to ask me to take him as my husband! To spend all that money, almost $25,000.00 so far. A person would be willing to “fake” it & loose all of that money like that? I just don’t think it fits & is completely out of character for him!

I am extremely worried about him! You don’t just fall out of love!

Good morning all!

So I don’t know if I really believe in signs but, I have been praying for strength & clarity in my current relationship situation. This morning I was getting dressed for work & when I opened my closet to get out my clothes, this card fell to my feet. When I picked it up, it was the card my fiancé gave me just this past Christmas, ONE MONTH AGO. I opened it & it read:

Dear Debbie,

It’s actually our 2nd Christmas already. We have another 100 to go! I know every one of them will get more & more amazing each year!

I Love You Baby

I was floored to find that this is what I found at my feet! My heart skipped a beat & I felt even more confused regarding this situation. My mother had come upstairs to my apartment & I told her what happened. She said, you know it is funny you said that. Just yesterday I was cleaning out the hutch & I found the card that he gave us as well & it read:

Dear Mr. & Mrs. ——-
Thank you for welcoming me into you family & allowing me to marry your daughter!

I just don’t understand. Does this sound like someone who was just “going through the motions”? This just doesn’t make any sense to me at all! I know my therapist would not be happy with me right now that I am still putting all of my energy into him & trying to figure it out instead of focusing on myself BUT, I will say this. Instead of breaking down & crying again this morning, I took a deep breathe & kept it moving although this is clearly on my mind.

Anita, can you or anyone else understand where I am coming from & why this is so confusing? Every day I am getting a little stronger. I feel it. I am not walking around crying every second of every day. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my moments. But I think I am doing a little better.

Tomorrow I am going to meet with the Deacon of my church. A week prior to my fiancé’s “break down” we had to take this Pre-Marital Inventory exam. We both take it separately & the church gets the results. Then we were suppose to meet with the Deacon & go over our results. This was suppose to be used as a tool to help us discuss difficult & uncomfortable topics with each other. See where we differ & what we could work on together, as a couple to strengthen our bond & eventually our marriage. I took the same test as my fiancé, just at a different time. The Deacon called me on Monday & set up an appointment with me to go over the results. He said there are def some differences in our answers. I wonder if this could have been the catalyst that helped push him over the edge & made him second guess everything & his feelings. As I have stated before, he is not the best communicator. He holds everything in because he never wants to hurt anyone or let them down. He maybe didn’t want to discuss his fears with me because he didn’t want to hurt me, so instead he ran from them. Obviously, he clearly was overwhelmed with the wedding & all the expenses, & held it in. He was overwhelmed with discussing my feelings towards his best friend & held that in for months too until I pushed him to confront her. He is overwhelmed at his job & is taking everything on because he has to do everything to his best ability. Another one of his traits. He needs to be successful & the best at all he does. I just wish he had spoken with me because I truly feel this whole thing could have been avoided if we had just talked. I feel this is a big miscommunication & now it has escalated into something it def did not need to be! I would have been more than willing to cut back on things that were too expensive. If we needed to postpone the date to be able to save the money or because he had too much going on right now, we could have. Would I have been upset? Of course. This was my dream BUT he means more to me than a single day!

Please share your thoughts!

Thank you Anita for all your advise. I agree with you & I do know that I deserve answers. And I do know that I need to handle this whole situation with care & caution. I need to be patient, which is something that I struggle with. Something that as a human, I need to work on. I am trying. This is another reason why I haven’t reached out to him yet… because I knew/know that I may not be strong enough at this present time to be understanding & patient because I am hurting, as I know I am entitled too. But I also know that HE is hurting as well. I sit here and wonder all day, is he thinking about me? Does he miss me? Does he regret his decision or does he feel relieved that he ended it? It is like a never ending loop that I am on. It feels really good to be able to express all this to you… an outlet if you will for me to release all my fears & frustrations from an outside perspective oppose to people close to me. I cannot thank you enough!

Did you read my post earlier about the card I found? Do you believe in signs & divine intervention? Do you think it is smart to talk with my Deacon? Maybe there will be some clarity in there for me to help me understand where he is coming from.