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Help me get rid of abusive behavior

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  • #127017
    Desmond
    Participant

    Dear everyone,

    I came here looking for advice, insight or just harsh critique – it’d probably be in place given all I’ve done. I have a problem I can’t seem to handle on my own, this is a gordic knot I can’t untie.

    Firstly, I’m a coward. I try to avoid confrontations at all cost, no matter their size or significance. If I enter these confrontations, I am so threatened and afraid, that at some point I’ll lash out at the other person with full might, because it’d seem that my lizard brain perceives these confrontations as a threat to my life.

    Secondly I have a habit and history of being fundamentally dishonest. This really disgusts me and I partially managed to disarm the problem. I used to lie a lot about myself just to be accepted and seen as “awesome person” by other people, because that’s what my fragile self-esteem required to exist. I’m done with this (sans small relapses here and there) but the other half of problem is still here. Given that I hate and fear confrontations, I’ll resort to lying my way out of them.

    Obviously, first step would be to stop doing things that could get me in trouble and I’d have no reasons to lie about things. But I’m so short-sighted that sooner or later I’ll do something I shouldn’t do and it’ll backfire at me.

    I was oblivious to the issues until a year ago and just like other people, I entered relationships – with poor outcome. My current (or recent, I’m not sure) relationship suffered from my problems too. I lied a lot. I seeked external acceptance (which was interpreted by my SO as being flirty and promiscuous, can’t blame her for that). I failed time after time, apologized and promised to stop doing that.

    My relations with other people are relatively fine though. I have a band of brothers I trust and who trust me. It’s just romantic relationships that suffer.

    So I promised to stop lying and didn’t stop, not because I didn’t want to but just because it just happened. Sometimes it makes me question my sanity, how can I promise to stop lying, intend to do so, try to do so, but then fail so miserably? But my partner still stayed by my side and waited patiently, hoping I’d change. Every time I hurt her, it hit her hard and wrecked her a little, but she persevered. Until she became depressed, on a verge of mental breakdown and unable to progress with her life.

    I feel guilty for being an abusive, toxic person I am and I hate myself for putting her in the dark place she lives in now. I want to see her better and I try to help her as hard as I can, but it seems that I fail her all the time. I’ll try to stay calm when facing her frustrations, bouts of anger and resentment, but at some point I’ll lash out at her too. I’ll try to stay completely honest with her, but then I’ll lie about a thing and what little trust I’ve rebuilt is lost again. I’ll try to support her and spend time with her (insane amounts of time, just keeping her busy to keep her ruminations from appearing), but then I’ll say something stupid about me needing some alone time for myself too, or some time with friends, and once again she’s mad at me, because everything I can see is just myself and my needs.

    I fear that my issues aren’t something I could handle right away, with immediate 100% results. But everytime we talk and reminisce all bad I’ve done to her, this is the thing she states she needs – safety, trust, love, right here, right now. In normal circumstances, despite my love for her, a break up would probably be the best option – it’d give her freedom for her abuser (that’s me) and it’d give me a lot of free time to work on myself and fix my own issues.

    But given her depression and inability to move on with her live, and also her belief that after what I’ve done to her I owe her help until she can stand on her feet, I don’t know if this is an option anymore. Viable option that is. But where we’re at, isn’t helping her. Since we spend almost all of my free time doing things together, whenever I have a moment for myself, I’ll either do some house chores, catch up on my work doing some overtime or just try to rest, because honestly, everything I’ve done and whole toxic fallout of my actions has put a toll on me as well. I’m tired, feeling hopeless, struggling to keep up the pace, and this unable to meditate on the issue at hand. And sooner or later I’ll do something bad or stupid which’ll add more problems to our situation.

    Even right now, when on Monday we’ve had another argument and I lashed at her, she said “you haven’t changed at all, you will never change”, I’m avoiding her and avoiding confrontation. Yesterday she told me to leave her alone and I did, but I believe that I should reach out to her today again. But I can’t bring myself to do it, because I’m afraid of what we would talk about, afraid of her anger, disappointment and resentment, afraid of what she’ll said and how she’ll be right. She’s alone and suffering, but I don’t know how to help her. And I’m afraid I’ll hurt her again, because I’m an idiot. A toxic, abusive idiot who lied, manipulated, said some disgusting things.

    I just don’t know how to proceed anymore. I feel completely devoid of hope, drowning and overwhelmed – by my SO’s issues which I caused, with my own issues and inability to get them sorted out, and with all the stress and tiredness that are caused with my work, fixing my relationship and guilt I feel. I don’t know how to unwind all this and become truly relaxed.

    #127019
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear desmondred:

    The first and easiest knot I see to untie is this: you have been spending too much time with your girlfriend- way too much time for a healthy relationship to be possible. No doubt in my mind, you need time for yourself.

    Second knot: you stated that you are abusive to your girlfriend, that you have been abusive and that you are staying with her, because you damaged her and the least you should do is fix the damage- this logic makes no sense, because the last person to heal an abused person is the abuser.

    So, if you and her, if the two of you believe that you have been abusive to her, and still are at times, then end the relationship and allow her to be healed by someone else, a competent psychotherapist.

    Also, in this relationship, your role has been established, you are The Abuser. Her role has been established, she is The Abused. And so, this relationship is incongruent with your own healing. You need to be free from that role!

    Third knot: the lying and lashing out, those are your mental habits. Habits are hard to break. It will take will and practice, over time, to consistently and successfully replace these habits. You already started this practice.

    anita

    #127051
    Jennifer Boyatt
    Participant

    Dear Des,

    It takes a lot of guts to admit our weaknesses, even the ugly ones.

    I know it is not what people like to hear, but you really do have to start with yourself. You want to bring a healed self, your own self that you love yourself–you want to bring THAT person to any future relationship.

    But this kind of journey and work–to heal and be with oneself–takes more patience than most people are willing for. They would rather get in the rush of a relationship and go through that drama and break themselves and the other person more.

    But maybe you are up for it now? The journey of self love and self healing?

    Let the woman go, bless her, but let her go.

    Respect
    ~Jennifer

    #127058
    Bambi
    Participant

    Desmondred,

    As I was reading your post, my heart immediately sank. You sound EXACTLY like my recent partner, I don’t know if you are him though, sounds like you are still together with your gf. I broke up with my partner. I carefully read your post a few times and a part of me wants to imagine him writing these words. I can sense some guilt, remorse and acceptance of your behaviour and realization that somewhere deep down you knew what you were doing all along and chose to be in denial just to avoid coming to face with reality buried deep inside you.

    Pretending you are a twin brother of my partner this is what I would say to him as someone who has been on an exactly similar receiving end of things.

    -Do not worry about becoming ” truly relaxed ” at this point. If you genuinely care about wanting to change not just for the sake of your relationship but to be a better person then this is a time for you to be uncomfortable. If you are still focused on getting rid of these uncomfortable thoughts and realizations ( which is natural and could be very overwhelming) I cannot foresee change for you. In essence you are not only avoiding the other person but also running away from yourself. You mentioned ” I try to avoid confrontations at all cost, no matter their size or significance.” If you can somehow see the problem, and can accept there has been a pathology of being fundamentally dishonest in the past/ present then you need to sit with this gut wrenching discomfort rather than running away as the default.

    – You said “you sought external acceptance (which was interpreted by my SO as being flirty and promiscuous, can’t blame her for that). I failed time after time, apologized and promised to stop doing that”. Have you reflected on why you seek external acceptance ? What is it that you are trying to fill ? How does this behaviour affect those that you draw close ? You have created unhealthy and toxic habits that gives you temporary pleasures but deep down you know these activities and behaviour are still not enough to make you feel “enough”. Hence the guilt. Be very honest with yourself. Were these activities part of a habit or do they essentially fulfill a void temporarily and you constantly crave that feeling? You mentioned ” I’m so short-sighted that sooner or later I’ll do something I shouldn’t do and it’ll backfire at me.”- You need to recreate patterns and practically re-wire signalling in your brain that is used to seeking pleasure from disruptive activities. It is an addiction, you are failing to stop lying even when you intend to do so because your brain does not weigh out the long term repercussions. You want to stop but you can’t because the urge is so STRONG. It is used to instant gratification and it seeks that in these activities. Imagine a diagram ( Feels broken/ low self esteem/ dislike one selves —->; looks to activities/ people to fill this gap/ brokenes —–>finds people—->lies to maintain the relationship—->loses the person as a result—-> starts again. You need to constantly remind yourself of the BIGGER picture, it takes practice but can be done. Resort to other coping mechanisms once you get these urges. And you will get these much stronger than before, because trying to get off an object of pleasure will lead you to have withdrawl effects.The pleasure seeking area of you mind is extremely active and needs a constant supply. It is a very powerful force, do not underestimate it. You need to retrain your brain. Practice practice practice. Start somewhere..maybe change one thing and do it differently.

    -“I used to lie a lot about myself just to be accepted and seen as “awesome person” by other people”. There is a cognitive dissonance here, you fundamentally do not believe you can be good or there is any good in you hence you wear a facade and lie to be seen as good. Maybe go deeper and ask why you think others need to see you as awesome?? This strong need to be accepted. How was your relationship with you family members, parents, caregivers ? Did they make you feel safe, secure and re-assured ? Oftentimes we follow these patterns into adulthood seeking constant attention and validation from other people.

    – When you say its just your relationship romantic relationships, I doubt that is the case. The so called ” band of bothers” who trust you so much. Do you think once you reveal that you have a tendency to lie and you keep repeating it over and over. Do you think they will still trust you? All the short lived relationships that you entered with poor outcomes, what was the role of the other person? You said you lashed out at her in the past and will probably do so? This is the point where you need to let go of the relationship because you are not ready to completely fix things instantly. Like Anita said, the abuser cannot heal the abused. Perhaps let her know that you are GENUINELY remorseful and apologize for all the pain you have caused her. Do not promise her you will change according to some timeline because you are JUST coming to terms with ” some problem” there is a lot more you need to explore and uncover.

    I can tell you one thing. Day in and day out I hope for my recent partner to show that he feels an inch of remorse. Maybe he does maybe he doesn’t, I won’t know. I want to believe that he is remorseful and AWARE of the problems at hand and the suffering he has caused me and those before me. Unfortunately, he does’t seem to care. I don’t think he has even reached a point of acceptance like you have. I haven’t heard from him since last he blocked me ( now it makes sense thats his way of avoidance) but I don’t think he will ever understand how damaging it is…I am happy for you regardless at least you can see her pain..and accept you have caused it rather than be denial like my partner. Nothing hurts more than knowing that your SO doesn’t even realize the damage his actions and behaviour caused. He told me he loved me on the last day we parted but I do think it was another way to disarm me in the moment to buy him more time ( a way that you described)and only to disappear later on. But little does he know that I sincerely meant it when I said I loved him. Don’t try to run away from this discomfort… this is a blessing. I can relate to your partner. I did wait and stand by patiently thinking he would change some day. It is truly painful to have to go through this experience. Anyway I wish you good luck. I am sincerely happy that you still have the capacity to empathize to some extent. A lot of people don’t even realize the damage they have caused. You have started a journey, keep going. You need to be uncomfortable, only within the depths of discomfort you will find all the solutions you are looking for as cliche as it sounds. Give it time. Apologize to those you have hurt,( not because you want to look awesome or good in the eyes of your friends and others, but because you can imagine how painful it must have been for the other person to have loved you, be attached to you and then be treated like this). Sometimes a little sincerity goes a long way for healing. You would be surprised how forgiving people can be. It will help you overcome your own guilt and aid in the process of your own healing as well.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Bambi.
    #127138
    Jenny chiu
    Participant

    Dear Desmond,
    You sounded exactly like my ex, he was my first real serious relationship. I loved him and even to this day, I still care for him, even if we no longer in contact.

    Long story short, he was also abusive mentally, spiritually and at time he even got seemly physical that I thought he was going to hit me.
    We were together for five months, but after the broke-off, we been on and off(mostly me on and he was just stringing me along, to quote him, he said “it’s easy”)for another five months. I wasted almost a whole year on him, and to this day, from time to time, the damage he brought still affect me deeply.
    At the end, he did something really terrible that I ended up not having contact with my six-year long best friend because of him.

    He touched her, while three of us was out together for the first time.
    And unfortunately she showed it off later on to me as well.

    I can’t manage to tell and specify exactly how much anger and pain I felt after being told by a “best” friend that my ex wants to fuck her as well.(he told me in person as well, came to think of it.)
    But I can tell you, that experience is really traumatized, and even to this day, my anger to both of them is still there.

    I hate her and him, but at the same time they used to be the two of the most important people I care besides my family.

    I am glad you realized how much you did to your current gf(hopefully you let her go already), but recognizing the problem sometimes is not enough, you have to, as the previous commentor said, learn to be peace with your own anxiety, depression and discomfort. I feel sorry for your girl. She didnt see her worth and you took advantage of her because the previous self-work you failed to do to yourself. But as I am saying this to you at the same time, I feel sorry for myself to ever putting so much effort and energy on someone who don’t deserve my attention and forgiveness at the first place. You are now here for criticism, but to me mostly the comfort from there’s hope toward you. there is no hope unless you are willing to change it under your own free will, no amount of advice or cases that you can learn from unless you start to get yourself together and learn from the mistakes.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Jenny chiu.
    #127145
    Desmond
    Participant

    Dear everyone,

    Took me long time to sit through messages, read them carefully and carefully consider your words. Jennifer hit it on the spot too – it takes a lots of gut to admit our weaknesses, especially the ugly ones. Just reading my message again made me feel uneasy and after reading the responses, my heart sank. I am a monster after all, born from an unattended child. But as easy as it is to push blame onto others (in this case my father), it’ll do me no good. It is me who broke that poor girl and not my father. It is me who failed to teach myself in older years value of honesty, assertiveness and courage required to build healthy relationships.

    It is painfully true too, that in this relationship my role has already been established as The Abuser. I get pulled into that role too often, whatever I say, The Abused sees it as an invisible threat, she seems to think “somewhere there hidden are lies, hate, agression” and thus simple questions become igniting points for hours long arguments, where I said something completely insensitive, showed that I don’t care or made her feel like poop. All that while I’m clueless as to how I offended her, how I have not cared about her, so on and so on. Is it possible that anything I’ll say she will interpret as abusive or at least will attempt (very hard) to find that “abusive load” in my words? I certainly believe so!

    The problem is, I am too weak to follow this through the way you are suggesting. Break up requires too much willpower from me. Or maybe that’s not lack of willpower but overwhelming guilt, or even worse – sense of duty, feeling that I shouldn’t do it. It’d set me free, maybe it’d set her free too, but whenever that “we break up and cut contact, this time for real” comes up, I can’t follow through. Because she will say things that make my heart sink deeper into guilt, she tells me she has not a single reason to live now that I leave her, that after all I leave her with all the damage I’ve done and now she’s alone with her problems, that I failed and she never deserved it – and she is right to say these things.

    She seems absolutely powerless in these times, crying her eyes out, seemingly phasing out and becoming a hollow form without a human soul. And I never wished that fate upon her, so I stay, I make amends and I genuinely try hard to fix at least something in her life. And the cycle repeats, oh how I wish I was free from it, but what of her then? What if she fails to recover or even worse, does something to her out of desperation or depression? I want her to heal, to thrive, to be happy, not sink deeper into despair or harm herself. Am I not responsible for her misery? Is it not my responsibility to support her in these dark times then? Her family is far from perfect, her friends are none, and her therapy is not helping. Should I really leave her alone with all this?

    And I am not looking for place of comfort, Bambi, nor for return to my comfort zone. I know very well that only outside these changes happen. But the stress I’ve been living in for one and a half year now has taken its toll on me. In the morning I struggle to exercise, trying to lose weight. After that there’s eight hours of work which I need to support myself financially. After that there’s usually six or more hours spent with her. Inbetween I try to fit house chores. Four times a month maybe I’ll get a chance to meet with a friend, but sometimes I’d rather stay at home and relax in solitude. I am overwhelmed and unsure how to follow this routine.

    This just seems like a place of no escape as of now. A very dark place with many very wrong choices:

    stay with her and possibly hurt her more or even cause harm just by being normal person, because what if she’s reinterpreting everything I do as abusive
    bless her and let her go, and know for rest of my life that she’s drowning even more in her despair, because I broke her and then chose my healing over her healing
    supress my identity and become more of a obedient servant than a partner in order to let her heal, in the process probably causing harm to myself (which option out of three sounds most fair and just, but what if I break before she heals?)

    And I don’t know how to proceed anymore. I’m feeling completely blocked.

    #127180
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Desmond:

    You wrote: “she will say things that make my heart sink deeper into guilt, she tells me she has not a single reason to live now that I leave her, that after all I leave her with all the damage I’ve done and now she’s alone with her problems, that I failed and she never deserved it – and she is right to say these things”-

    It seems to me, clearly, at this point that in this relationship, as is, you are the abused and she is the abuser. Her weapon is GUILT. Prognosis for the relationship, according to my understanding: you will work out for the rest of your life to make it up to her for your perceived abuse-of-her but she will never free you of your guilt because she will not be motivated to give up her power-over-you. Her power, guilt, keeps you submissive to her, at her disposal.

    I went back to your original post to re-examine your strong claims of being the abuser in this relationship, looking for evidence to it: how were you abusive? You wrote: “I lied a lot. I seeked external acceptance (which was interpreted by my SO as being flirty and promiscuous, can’t blame her for that). I failed time after time, apologized and promised to stop doing that.”- you lied to her, she accused you f being “flirty and promiscuous”- but you weren’t those things, correct?

    You stated that when confronted, eventually, you lash out at the other person. You wrote: “I’ll try to stay calm when facing her frustrations, bouts of anger and resentment, but at some point I’ll lash out at her too.”- but notice, she is lashing out at you first, isn’t she? Aren’t those “bouts of anger and resentment” on her part lashing out at you? You try to remain calm and eventually you lash out.

    If she initiates those confrontations with you, going on and on accusing you, you may lie in desperation so to stop the torment of her accusations, many of which are untrue accusations, is it not so?

    You certainly presented yourself as the abuser, a monster, but now I am strongly inclined to believe that you are not. I am sure you are imperfect, no doubt. But in this relationship, as is, you are the abused, and she is the abuser. Please consider this.

    anita

    #127317
    Desmond
    Participant

    Dear Anita and dear everyone,

    Is her weapon truly guilt, when she only speaks of harm I’ve done to her? She is hurt, she is in pain, she wants this all to end, would it not be natural to talk about what I’ve done to her? Would it be wrong to talk about all I’ve done to her, if it brings her a moment of relief? I am indeed at her disposal and willing to resign from meeting friends or spending time alone, if she has her emotional pain moment. But shouldn’t I, if it was me who lied, who failed to keep boundaries with other people, who failed to understand the social construct and its rules?

    And yes, I was acting in a way that many people probably would see as flirty and promiscuous. Months ago, after many sessions of meditation and self-reflection, I found out I only wanted these people’s acceptance. So I crossed not only boundaries of social interaction but boundaries of my own. I always wanted to be accepted so hard that I failed to see the only source of acceptance I need – and the one that was empty – is my self. But intent is not action and I was judged for my actions. And these were seen as flirty and promiscuous, not something you do in a classical, exclusive relationship.

    Yes, when confronted for long time about very same issue, I feel helplessness building up inside of me. How long must I repeat same answers to rephrased questions? How long must I misinterpred these questions and hear that if I’m “that stupid” then I’d better not answer at all? I always try to remain calm (which often comes off as cold and emotionless, I’m really bad at being empathetic or maybe I’m a sociopath?) but after some time, I’m so tired, so scared of confrontation, that probably this is the reason I’ll lash out. To make everything stop.

    But it’s not that these accusations are false (as said in previous paragraph, these are based on my actions, not intentions), it’s that my answers seem to fall on deaf ears. Topics will always return, like today we’ve already (it was around noon to clarify) had an argument about how I like red hair and how she has black, thus I must dislike her hair. She sees me taking liking to red hair as something obsessive, given that 50% of my partners (which is 3 out of 6 women I dated) had red hair. How can I not see her (a normal girl with normal hair) as sexual and would prefer these “redhead sluts” as she calls them. But I don’t, though no amount of me stating that seems to let me get through to her.

    I have once read somewhere, that in adult life people who had abusive or dysfunctional parents tend to find partners with negative personality traits or problems similar to those that their parents had. This is done because their inner children still yearn acceptance from their parents. We subconciously want to know that we were ok people to our parents and find such partners thinking that if they accept us, our parents would do it too. This seems very true to me, because this relationship is very similar in the way we handle arguments to the way my father did it – there was no winning them. It’s not like he had to be right. He simply “was” and woe to them who disagreed.

    But still I am helpless. You paint a very scary picture of future that awaits me, which seems repetition of last one and a half year. But what should I do? Probably, the answer is to break up, but I just can’t muster up the strength required to do so. Though I love her, I am scared just thinking about us having a relationship. But I’m even more scared of breaking up. She is of weak mind and in a very dark place right now, very alone. If I sever her only connection to outside world (which is me), what will she do? I have put her there and yes, indeed I feel guilty about it. I want to help her, it’s just… I’m helpless where I am right now.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Desmond.
    #127323
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Desmond:

    Your girlfriend calls you “stupid” and she refers to 3 of your ex girlfriends (if not all red heads) as “redhead sluts”- just making a note of it.

    Let’s say you have sinned by flirting with other women in the past, while in relationship with her- let’s say that was a crime. What is the punishment fitting the crime? In law, there are periods of incarceration suggested for various crimes, with minimum and maximum limits. Once “serving time” the person is released with “time served.”- how long is your incarceration (having her determine how you spend your time, having no life outside of her, being present for her pain, her complaints, etc.)? I am seriously asking this, please let me know.

    anita

    #127345
    Desmond
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    My girlfriend says many things out of anger, helplessness, aversion or disgust for me. Bashing women with red hair is one of them. Calling “sluts” every one of three women I’ve had casual sexual encounters in my distant past (last one was more than six years ago I reckon). She also called me many other names which I never liked, but her point was that after abuse she suffered at my hands, I’m more than fit for these names.

    But let us assume I have flirted with these women with direct intent to covertly escalate into a full blown affair, the way she sees it. I have probably been serving for around a year or maybe a bit more, but still less than one and a half year (when problems in our relationship started, though this was largely unrelated with lying or flirting at that time).

    #127379
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Desmond:

    Your girlfriend calls you “stupid” and “many other names”, making a note of it here.

    So you’ve been serving a year, more than a year in this prison of abuse. And what was the crime- your crime? Let me see if I understand your crime:

    1. Casual flirting with other women while in relationship with her (but not having any physical intimacy with them, nor did you have sexual interactions with them online or on the phone, correct?)

    2. Lying to her when interrogated and lying to her so to avoid being interrogated altogether.

    3. Getting angry at her after some time during her interrogations and accusations, expressions of her anger, calling you names (how did you express your anger at her, lashing out? Did you call her names, yell at her..?)

    Did I get it correctly?

    anita

    #127381
    Desmond
    Participant

    I believe too that it’s worth noting this behavior (making me “serve time”) isn’t an all time activity. It comes and goes, and at times we spend very good moments together. But a slightiest mention of an uncomfortable situation or her catching me looking at other women (I don’t by the way, but she never believes me, “it was obvious” she says “that you were looking at her boobs/butt”) can trigger that angry response in her. And after what I’ve done to her, I believe she has right to lash out at me. It was me who failed her, not the other way around.

    #127383
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Desmond:

    Double posting above, please read my last post to you where I am trying to figure your “crime”- in your last post you wrote “after what I’ve done to her”- that is the crime I am referring to. Looking forward to your answer.

    anita

    #127387
    Desmond
    Participant

    My crime is somewhat worse than that, I believe.

    1. Casual flirting with other women. No physical contact besides welcoming and parting hugs. Our relationship suffered a strain because my libido is low to nonexistent. I still need to find out the cause, psychological or medical (though I have isolated few medical issues that may cause this). Thus she sees me seeking extrarelationship intimacy and not doing things couples do. Honestly, I seeked outside acceptance, which isn’t nice and cool either.

    2. Lying to her when interrogated or trying to avoid being interrogated, yes. Whenever I did something wrong (for example not responding to her messages, trying to rest for a bit, catching alone time, but lied about working overhours) I’d lie about it too, to avoid confrontation.

    3. Getting angry at her during all her lashing out at me, as you call it, yes. I yelled at her several times and called her names few times when I couldn’t stand her calling me names. This was highly unprofessional way of handling anger and other emotions, I know. Sometimes she gets mad when we argue, because I start yelling at her – I often raise my tone when I’m excited or stressed, that’s true. Not to the level of yelling though.

    And. There were many times when I said things that might’ve hurt her, because I’m an idiot. I don’t even understand how, when she explains it. There were many times I’d ignore her messages, because I was scared of engaging in arguments. Stringing her like that isn’t polite. I never wanted to talk about parts of my past – I never liked talking about past sexual experiences and experiments for example, but she pushed and pushed and pushed so I told everything and she didn’t like the answer. Sometimes I went radio silent – I was too occupied with having fun with friends, and she was worrying sick about me. There were already five times like that I think.

    She says I’m also not 100% commited, because if she ever wanted to leave town and move elsewhere, I said I wasn’t really sure what I’d do – where I live now, I have a brilliant job that basically is my dream come true. And I wouldn’t like leaving my friends, but I could visit them I guess. And she said she wants to move out some day, because she needs it to heal.

    I could give few more examples if I’d think about it. So I guess my crime list is quite large.

    #127399
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Desmond:

    Having read your last post, your “crimes” clarified, I look at the title of your thread: “Help me get rid of abusive behavior”- and I clearly see the “abusive behavior” as her abusive behavior.

    For some reason, it has been established in your mind, that nothing short of a saintly behavior on your part is acceptable. You are not a saint. You are human.

    Your belief that you are the victimizer, the abuser and she is the victimized, the abused is incorrect, untrue. It is the other way around.

    You incorrectly believe that you committed a crime or crimes against this woman (you have not) and that you deserve punishment and making it up to her by giving up your person and life, that is, your life being about her, what she needs and what she wants. Your punishment is … no longer living YOUR life, no longer having your needs, your wants, your preferences matter or be a point of consideration.

    No wonder your libido is low or non-existing- you are in the process of giving up your whole personhood, not only your sexual desire.

    You are an adult and so, you have the legal right to give up your person and life, be imprisoned in this relationship as forever-the-guilty-one, enjoy a few good moment with her, when she is willing (prisoners in real locked prisons also have good moments, by the way), and otherwise suffer. You have the legal right to continue to sacrifice your person and your life so to please a woman who has been and continues to abuse you.

    But you don’t have to.

    anita

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