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An abusive relationship?

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • February 18, 2017 at 8:41 am #128207
    iwbi95
    Participant

    Hello! I recently discovered this website and I have nowhere else to turn to ask this, I hope I’m in the right place

    To start out with I am in a long distance relationship with a guy I met online. We are in different countries and don’t have a way of meeting each other right now, this is also my first relationship at the young young age of 21.

    Friday was not a good day for us. We both suffer with anxiety and depression, and anxiety was running my mouth that morning. I said things I didn’t necessarily mean to say. We didn’t talk for the rest of the day, I realised I screwed up and shot him a message around 9pm saying I knew what I’d done and I was sorry if I hurt him.

    He messaged back, not too happy, and it soon escalated into an argument. I calmly explained myself, but he was having none of it and said things that strayed far into the emotional abuse territory. He was gaslighting like a champion and it seemed there would be no end to it. I’m not lying when I say it was probably the worst six hours of my life, just messaging back and forth. It hurt me deeply because he was accusing me of things I’d never done and was trying to spin the blame on me for his behaviour. He apologised at the end of the night but the damage was still done.

    I don’t know what to do or where I stand. He admitted to me this morning that he was drunk and that he regrets what he said. We have been seeing each other for 7 months and he has done this once before. I know there is no excuse for what he did. My mum believes he is abusing me and wants me to leave him, but it’s not that easy for me. I love him more than anything else in the world. I believe him when he says he regrets what he did. However I feel like staying with him is giving him permission to do all this again.

    I’m in so much pain and I’m desperate for advice that isn’t from my mum (who is a bit of a mama bear to say the least). I think it has all stemmed from a lack of communication from both of us. Is this an abusive relationship? Is it worth trying to fix? What should I do?

    February 18, 2017 at 8:59 am #128211
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear iwbi95:

    When “anxiety was running (your) mouth that morning” and you “said things (you) didn’t necessarily mean to say”- that was you abusing him. Later on he abused you, correct? Often, in relationships, one party is not The Abuser while the other is The Victim, it goes back and forth, abuse begets abuse. Sometimes, one is The Abuser and the other is, indeed, The Victim. The only way for you to figure out which one it is, is to not abuse. No matter how you feel, how anxious, don’t run your mouth. Don’t say things you don’t “necessarily mean to say.”

    Be responsible for your participation in the relationship with him and evaluate his participation- both parties need to be respectful.

    anita

    February 18, 2017 at 9:40 am #128219
    iwbi95
    Participant

    anita,

    Thank you for your input. I know what I did that morning was wrong. Things I said out of love for him ended up hurting him. I didn’t think of it as abuse, though, and that has opened my eyes. While I think it is wrong to abuse in any context, I can see more why my love did what he did and why he lashed out. My anxiety is difficult to control at times but I’m going to make a more conscious effort.

    February 18, 2017 at 10:09 am #128223
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear iwbi95:

    It takes discipline to feel anxiety, distress and to NOT lash out. It takes skills to feel what we feel, calm ourselves down before speaking and acting, and make choices from clear thinking instead of automatic reaction to our distress.

    This is discipline and skills for both of you to learn and help each other with. I hope your relationship, if it continues, does not become a finger pointing contest of who is abusive this time. But instead a mutual growing experience where both parties learn a better way of interacting, using what my therapist introduced to me as EAR: Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect with each other.

    anita

    February 18, 2017 at 11:44 am #128233
    iwbi95
    Participant

    anita,

    I took a look at EAR and it is something I will definitely keep in mind next time I talk to him. I’ve decided to make an appointment with a counsellor in order to better cope with my anxiety. I can only hope he will do the same with his drinking, as that seems to be the catalyst for our arguments.

    Thank you again for your post! It’s refreshing to hear some insight from someone who is completely detached from the situation. 🙂

    February 18, 2017 at 11:53 am #128249
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear iwbi95:

    If he gets drunk repeatedly, that is a problem, for him and for you, if in a relationship with him. You wrote that he accused you of things you didn’t do, when he was drunk- that and any other abusive behavior when he is drunk or sober is not something you should accept. You always have the option of exiting this relationship.

    You are welcome and hope you post again, as long as it is or can be helpful.

    anita

    February 18, 2017 at 3:00 pm #128261
    iwbi95
    Participant

    Hello,

    I’ve made the decision to stay with him for now. I feel that in the end we were both at fault and that we love each other enough to try and make it work. I’ve let him know that I’m taking counselling and that it is up to him to do his part to make things right. If not, then I am leaving for good.

    Anita, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply and listen to the ramblings of this lost little girl! I won’t lie when I say you may have become an inspiration for me, hehe 🙂

    February 18, 2017 at 5:22 pm #128265
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear iwbi95:

    You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation (makes me feel nice and warm in this cold, grey evening)!

    If you attend counseling, hope it will start with the practical teaching of those skills I mentioned. Assertiveness is one of those skills, very important. Emotional regulation (keeping yourself as calm as possible, alleviating distress in effective ways) is another set of skills.

    Best would be if you and him could attend couple counseling- that way you could practice being assertive, as well as the E and R of the EAR in the counselor’s office.

    Hope you do post again, will be glad to reply every time you do.

    anita

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