Anita – you are right on the money. I always try to rationalize with my mind but my heart says those very things you say. Thank you so much.

Poppyxo – The situation was happening since June of last year. Doesn’t seem like long but felt like a lifetime. Things moved so fast with him. I get triggered from anything – songs on the radio, thoughts of my life without him, thoughts of his rejection of me after all we’ve been through together. I have talked to him a couple times just lately after swearing no contact but I couldn’t bear the emptiness. He is my addiction. I don’t even think it’s him that I miss. It’s that someone loved me and swore they wouldn’t leave and then did anyway, just like everyone else in my life has done. It’s the rejection that hurts. That’s what brings up all the unworthiness and feelings of no one can love me. And when I do talk to him I can’t speak my truth. What I really want to do is scream at him but I can’t because I’m afraid that means I’ll lose my connection with him forever and I guess I would rather have him in my life in some capacity (friend) than not at all. Sounds so pathetic on paper. He broke up with me two days before Christmas and then we proceeded to spend the next week and a half together with me crying all over him and pretty much begging him not to leave. And all the while I continued to have sex with him. Then I saw him again a couple weeks later for a long weekend and did the same thing even though I knew he wasn’t going to love me romantically again. I think a whole lot of that anger is directed at myself because I feel ashamed and weak.