Dear Carolin Lim:

He told you that he had sex with a woman with “a severe mental illness… which made her entirely dependent on him” and with another woman who was “physically-abused by men who loves her just by her looks and he came in just in time to scoop her up in her lowest zones”

What you ” deduced from all his stories, was that he’s a well-respected man among women because he was kind-hearted, intelligent, loyal, brave, honest, compassionate”

What I deduct from his stories is that he takes unfair advantage of women, uses them as sexual objects to satisfy his emotional and sexual desire; he used these women’s weaknesses to harm them and benefit himself. His behavior is the OPPOSITE of being “kind-hearted… loyal, brave, honest, compassionate.”

He told you that he is “different from the typical guys these days who were cruel to women. That’s why I never have any guy friend, because I know how horrible they can be to me and my (girl)friends.”- he is one of those guys- he is horrible to women.

He expressed his behavior “as form of a pity – he pitied the girls who are always begging to be f’ed by him”- so he presented his behavior to you as charity, he said he was feeding hungry girls, and the food was sex.

What he told you reveal to me his childhood experiences and how they affected who he became:
“Nobody ever loved me genuinely. Everyone is always using me…I was always treated like s***…Everyone wants me to be a robot – to just listen and do whatever everyone wants without acknowledging my feelings.”- how these experiences affected him: he doesn’t love anyone genuinely. He is (mis)using everyone. He treats women like s***. He treats women like they were robots, expecting and demanding that they listen to him and do whatever he wants without acknowledgment of their feelings.

So, he abuses women in the same ways he was abused as a child. As a child, he was weak and mistreated. As an adult, he finds women and mistreats them using their weaknesses to his advantage.

Next, you “I tried to help him, just like you guys would to aid people that shared their stories in TinyBuddh… Deep down inside, I know he is afraid. He is pained. And he is craving for a specific love.”

Please pay attention, Carolin Lim, and consider my following point: people who repeatedly and regularly mistreat, hurt and harm other people, do so following having been mistreated, hurt and harmed themselves by others, as children, most often.

My first responsibility when encountering people who mistreat, hurt and harm others (and I believe it is your first responsibility and any other person’s) to stop the harm to others, not to heal the one doing the harm. In other words: first thing you do is exit a relationship where you are mistreated FIRST, so you stop the harm to yourself. You protect innocent others (children, others) FIRST, so you stop the harm from being done to others, first.

To help this man, first eliminate best you can the harm he is doing to you and to others.

Do not stay in an abusive situation trying to help the abuser. Exit the abusive relationship FIRST.

You wrote: “I really, really hope I can somehow explain to him again for the final time of how I feel and think, just to clarify and end the relationship in a good note.”- it is impossible to end this bad relationship on a good note. You can end it on a submissive note, a note that makes him… less angry with you, if you are afraid of him, I suppose, but not a good note. Frankly, there has been and is nothing good about this relationship.

Definitely, do not “let (yourself) repeat the same mistake and hurt another again”

You wrote: “I’m also thinking to opening up to his wife about everything in a calm manner and apologize..”- that is a possibility. You wrote that you were friends with her, how well do you know her and what do you believe you know about her?

anita