Home→Forums→Relationships→I was a mistress to a married man. (Regrets)→Reply To: I was a mistress to a married man. (Regrets)
Dear Anita, thank you for breaking it all down for me to easily understand. Your words are always so well-contructed!
I would like to clarify that what I wrote on my initial post might have been affected with my knowledge of him now, and that might make most things, such as “him taking unfair advantage of women” , appear much more obvious in the early paragraphs. I should have written it better (is there no option to edit initial post or am I missing something?), as before the time that I deduced him to be “a well respected man among women”, the facts I heard from him in the past were spoken in very delicate and well-constructed words, even delivered in a positive tone, making me believe in him to be a a man with pure intentions.
I admit, I got very deluded back then and I believed in him more than I believed myself. He also gifted me a lot of material things, which in turn made me feel like I was in debt to him, like I’m responsible to also make him happy in some other ways. It is also partly because of how he had struck me down every single time I tried to give him a feedback that was out of his expectation, good or not.
“So he presented his behavior to you as charity.” Exactly.
“What he told you reveal to me his childhood experiences and how they affected who he became…”
The words following that sentence of yours are…very true.
To add to that: he did tell me about how life has been unfair to him. He lived in a poor family, ate just rice and salt everyday (he likes to somehow brag about this often, implying he was a tough boy who had known all the hardships in life from a very young age) and had a very strict father. He claimed to have taken some of those strict and sensitive traits from his father, while he got his loving side from his mother.
Further more, he would also love to tell me about how lucky he was after growing up and going to college: getting to know said 5 girlfriends, having a lot of beautiful girls begging him for sex, making a lot of money from mere online gaming, having a lot of people support him and much more.
He would, afterwards, tell me that his life wasn’t so lucky at all because of the people who “had done an irreversible damage to his heart.” He had lent a lot of money to friends that ran away afterwards, he had “invested” and helped accommodate a single mother only to be lied and left behind, then many other similar cases which involve him helping people only to be betrayed.
Over time, I began to understand the reason he saw me out; he told me I appeared to be gentle and kind. He was trying to find a person who wouldn’t leave him behind, that would stay by his side no matter what and love him no matter how good or bad he is. But what he failed to realize, is that he already has it. She’s already there with him in bed every night, the very woman he proposed to 5 years ago. He also has the supermodel girl for him as his best friend slash love affair. When I asked him why he didn’t marry the supermodel girl (because they have known and loved each other longer than he does his current wife, and she has flawless looks and as he said to me, she always “treated him like a king”), he answered with just:
“No. I just don’t.”
Then when I asked the same thing to the supermodel girl, she said that “he was insecure. The thought of dating and marrying a woman that is too attractive and too rich scared him. Even if I had treated him like a king with all my fortune, it still wouldn’t get rid of the fear of him dragging me down with him along the unfortunate, poor family road. Isn’t he such the nicest guy in the world for worrying about my future? Yes he is, and I still haven’t found one single guy that is just like him. *Love emoji*” (actual literal translation) (and the supermodel girl is still not married, still hot for him)
Anita, your following statements and suggestions after that opened up my eyes. I genuinely agree with the idea of stopping the harm to others first.
I initially believed that I also have as strong responsibility as to help him heal. I thought that me being the only one to learn a positive lesson from this is not exactly right.
But I now I’ve become more able to distinguish the things I can’t and shouldn’t do, from the things I can and should actually do. I will definitely re-sort my priorities and regroup every bit of me, completely removing myself from this abusive relationship as well.. It has taken quite its toll on me. Thank you very much!
And as for my relationship with his wife;
we hung out a couple times whenever convenient, most of the time his husband being around. We have talked for quite a long time, gave each other small gifts and often talked about the books we love. We liked to hang out in book shops, mostly.
I find her to be a quiet, reserved, cool and collected girl. A woman who’s ALWAYS there whenever her husband needs her emotionally. I can sense that her and him both cared for each other deeply. The thing that always low-key bugged me is how secretive he can be in front of his wife, particularly regarding his romantic pursuits and the likes; I’ve witnessed more lies than I think I should in a supposedly healthy married couple.
What do you think?
Once again, I really appreciate your reply. Thanks, Anita!