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How do I break the cycle and move on?

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  • March 3, 2017 at 12:39 pm #135357
    DH
    Participant

    I was in a relationship from the fall 2010 to the spring of 2015. When we first met and started dating all I wanted to do was spend time with her and she felt the same. We were honestly and truly in love with each other. However, as with all relationships those hardcore feelings began to subside over time, not drastically but not as strong as they were at the beginning of a relationship. Then in May of 2011 we both came to the conclusion that it was over, which lasted a few weeks before we decided to try it again and just as when we first got together things were great… until they weren’t and we ended it again in November of 2011. This began a pattern of break ups and make ups over the next 3 1/2 years, four or five in total. The break ups were never over anything drastic or crazy like physical abuse or cheating, it was more over feelings beginning to wane and not spending as much time with each other, which in almost every instance was due to me staying away. Not even having a child together in 2013 could keep us together, with the final break up coming in May of 2015. Since that day I have felt regret and remorse for when I look back at it I see all of the mistakes I made along the way, and I kick myself for not doing more to try and make it work. What drives me crazy is why didn’t I feel that way at the time? Why did I purposely stay away sabotaging the relationship, where at times wishing the relationship would end, instead of working through things to make it work? It’s been almost two years since the final breakup and to this day I still wish for another chance to make it work. It’s not an obsession, where I can’t function in my every day life, but still I know it’s unhealthy to live like this. We both share and spend time with our daughter and we do get along well when it comes to her. She has moved on from the dysfunctional pattern we shared but I’m having a difficult time. So knowing that we can’t totally break off all contact with each other, with the child we have together, how do I let go of those feelings?

    March 3, 2017 at 12:53 pm #135359
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear dmhomz:

    You wrote: “it was more over feelings beginning to wane and not spending as much time with each other… due to me staying away”-

    Your good feelings about the relationship with her were strong in the five beginnings of this relationship and so, you were motivated to spend time with her. Then your feelings got weaker, or lost, and you were no longer motivated to spend time with her, so you stayed away.

    During the five beginnings, can you describe those strong feelings? Was there a strong hope, in the mix of those strong feelings, a hope for something… that over time, did not materialize?

    anita

    March 3, 2017 at 2:26 pm #135379
    DH
    Participant

    It’s hard to explain or to pinpoint why I would quit trying. I do know that when we would spend time together, things were great. But after that there would always come a time when I would want to do my own thing. Not go out and party or run around, but just spend time by myself. It sounds selfish and is in fact selfish when it comes to her side of the relationship. I know after thinking back, virtually every time we decided to end things it was mainly due to my lack of effort and several times I only agreed to try again because she reached out to me. Now that she finally had enough and is on her own, I’m the one who is struggling with how things ended. Why can’t I view the end of everything through the same lenses I did when I wanted things to end? I should feel relief that the cycle of break ups and make ups is over, but I feel the opposite. What’s crazy is I know that even if for some odd reason she did say we should try it again that within a few months or a year or two, that same pattern would most likely kick in, as that’s what always happened. Maybe I’m addicted to that dysfunction without realizing it.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by DH.
    • This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by DH.
    March 3, 2017 at 6:15 pm #135463
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear dmhomz:

    Is it that the two of you were incompatible in that you needed a lot of quiet time, alone or just with her, at home, and she liked going out a lot, being around many people, socializing, being out and about (“go out and party or run around”)

    *If you tried to accommodate her in every beginning of the relationship by going out a lot, then it is understandable why you got so tired accommodating her and you retreated to having alone time every time… and will again, if the relationship was to resume.

    was that the case?

    anita

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