Hey!

I’ve been feeling very down for a long time since I’ve been going trough a lot in my relationship and I could really use some advice..

I’m 23 years old…I had this amazing relationship with this guy(also 23) I met over the summer while I was working on a foreign island..relationship seemed to go very well even though for a while it was long distance..we had a lot of future plans and he even came to my homeland to visit my friends and family..for a year it was perfect but after..

Some problems showed up in each of our own private lives… I was in the middle of my crazy family drama and it left me feel very depressed and I was starting to not atend my university and even questioning is it really what I wanna do but my family had expectations so they were quite pressuring me..my boyfriend was helping even though he was far away..he would stay up late just to talk to me on Skype to be there.. But meanwhile he had his own problems and he had to deal with the fact that he’ll have to leave his job that he really liked.. so it all became very messy and confusing. We would try to help each other but it was hard when this all was going on..

Then a real nightmare started when I couldn’t take my situation and just being very impulsive I left my school and spent my last money to go and start a new life on this Island with him…at the beginning it felt like a dream cause we were together after a long time of separation..

But then it got even worse as he was still depressed about his work situation..I was trying to be supportive but I myself were not at a good place either cause I just made a quite life changing act and didn’t felt like standing on a stable ground being away from home and friends and everything I used to know that well.

We started to have these petty fights..basically fighting for each others attention and at the same time needing some alone time.

I felt a bit homesick as I’ve never been away from home that long so I offered him to come with me to my homeland for a holiday while he was waiting for his answer from new job. He came with me even though for me it seemed he wasn’t really in to it and it made me stressed cause I desperately wanted to see my friends and my home but also wanted him to have great time there.

After the holiday the worse happened on the last days of our holiday we had a little sex accident that scared us both cause we were not really ready for babies..so we decided that I should take a pill for safety..

We came back to the island and  I went back ton busy work as I was working in a bar but he was still sitting home waiting for an answer. He decided to go for another trip to Vegas with his friends and I was supportive cause he needed some fun. But meanwhile I was starting to have these health problems cause of the pill I took..seemed as if it didn’t work and I was actually getting pregnant cause I gained a few kg and was feeling sick a lot..but he was away and I tried not to bother him with my sickness while he’s on his holiday with friends..

When he came back a week after I still tried not to show it off so much cause there was our anniversary and my birthday on the way and he showed me that he got me a big gift the that was standing in the corner of the room in a box so I can’t see…everything seemed to be ok..

Untill the evening right after he came back he just suddenly became weird telling me that I’m annoying and getting upset about my every moove or word…meanwhile my sickness kicked in from that pill and i was feeling sick and bleeding the whole night..few days later was our anniversary and it was even worse.. he completely shut down…few days later I texted him asking what is wrong and he would text me back that he just needs some space. Usually I would respect him needing space but probably as I recently took a large dose of hormones I couldn’t resist but calling him and crying and asking what is going on…

He calmed me down saying that everything is OK but then few days later while going to work I saw him driving pass me with another girl beside him…

Long story short…it turned out that he’s been cheating on me for quite a long time I still don’t know if it was just emotional cheating or physical too…he wouldn’t admit he was cheating but saying that they are just friends…but I had never seen this girl or he would have never mentioned her during our relationship but in the end she turned out to be his friend that  lives almost next door to him…

Of course I went full rage on him cause it was completely devastating for me on top of all my sickness and the worse that he did not seemed to care much either..he said he still wants to be with me but meanwhile he would still see her…it ended up in about year of complete emotional roller coaster where I was being mad at him..then he would apologise but still go out with her then I would find it out again and go mad at him and he would apologise untill I told him to stay away but he wouldn’t let me go and we tried to make our relationship work and he would promise me the world …just for me to find out again that he still lies and she is still coming over to his house doing God knows what….and again him saying sorry but not changing anything…

So recently I told him to leave me alone if he has no good intentions and he replied with that it’ll probably will be best for everyone if he leaves for good.. and it ended up in 2 week long silence while I finally felt peace even though missing him cause i felt bad for being so angry at him… up until he suddenly dared to show up at my work place(nightclub That he usually wouldn’t attend) with his friends just to get wasted in front of me…I got angry again and took him by the hand and asked to leave but he wouldn’t listen and his friend insulted me so I just went back to work trying to hold myself together…

Sorry for the messy writing but it was hard to put out almost 2 years of complete misery of my life… I just really want to get it out and forget about it…

Now I feel very bad about my decisions to leave my homeland and I feel kinda stuck on this Island I don’t want to go home or stay here cause the place is small and there is always something reminding of him…and I really don’t get his attitude…. I feel very bad for being so angry all the time.. cause i feel for him too and still love him.. it’s very hard as I don’t really have good  friends here..I just don’t know what to do…:(