Anita,

Do you mean safety in real terms – such as not being physically hurt or having enough money to have shelter over my head? If so, I feel physically safe day to day with the community I have and where I live. Financially, I am doing OK. I’d like to have more of savings account, but I’m working on building that up. It seems for me, more than a safety issue, there is this deep lack of built-in self-worth. I see it come out when a partner pulls away, or breaks things off in a relationship. I totally shut down, and I’m willing to go through so much just to have it back. It’s like everything I feel and think about myself rides on this person’s love and desire. In losing the most current one, I didn’t feel that as much since I decided I had to leave. I held on to his love for me thinking he’ll want me and love me for a long time. When I saw him, and he told me about his feelings and involvement for this other woman, I was absolutely shattered. I understand that humans experience pain and grief such as this, but for me it seems overly devastating, not a healthy dose of pain. I was utterly crippled for weeks, and still am to some degree. I got so sick I had to go to the hospital. All because I left him and he decided to pursue someone else. I know he has every right to, and I know I have no business being with him anyway. But it was the other woman, and his pulling away from me romantically, that crushed me. I am trying to understand where that comes from and what exactly I am lacking so badly to feel such deep sorrow for myself when these things happen.