Dear Shirley:

I’ll start with your question: “How do I know who I truly am and not what the world wants me to be?” and continue, in my answer, to address the topics in your other questions:

The “world”, from what your parents want you to be, to what social conventions and media messages want you to be, has a mental representative in your brain. Freud termed it the “Superego”. In your case, as in so many people’s, it is not a friendly Superego: it repeatedly sends you messages that you are not acceptable. It suggests that if you become this or that, then the “world” will be pleased.

Problem is a Superego that is habitually displeased, will remain displeased no matter what you do and how hard you try to please it.

The solution is not to continue to try to please it- you will fail to please it, again and again- and you will become bitter.

The solution is to replace that unfriendly Superego (aka “inner bully”) with a friendly Superego. This friendly Superego will have expectations of you that are realistic and sensible and when you reach these expectations, it will be pleased. In the process of you achieving its expectations, it will be kind, gentle and patient with you.

You will determine what you want to be, and not let “the world” represented by the unfriendly Superego, or inner bully, determine for you what you are to be.

When you wrote that you are losing yourself, I think you mean that you are losing yourself to “the world”- to the Inner Bully. Save yourself by defining for yourself what it is that you want to be: evaluate the world’s expectations, keep what you think is sensible and realistic and reject the rest.

Best for you is to attend competent psychotherapy so to take on this process and manage your fears (emotional regulation skills)  as you move forward. In therapy you should learn the skill of being assertive as well.

I don’t think you can do this work alone, without competent professional help. I strongly recommend that you seek such help at this time.

anita