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I have a difficult time with his sister.

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  • #142099
    Trixy
    Participant

    Hi there-

    My boyfriend and I have been together in a wonderful, healthy relationship for 3.5 years. We are both older professionals who happen to work together, so we see each other often.  We live separately but make time for date nights and quality time together.

    His mother, unfortunately, is home bound with dementia and is thankfully able to have 24 hour nursing care.  My bf supports his father and mother both financially (he owns their home, pays many bills, fixes things when they are broken, etc).  He comes from a large family, and many of the siblings each do their own part to help support a less than ideal situation.

    My main difficulty lies with his sister, who lives out of the country.  She comes into town about three times a year for a month at a time.  I dread each time, as she is very demanding of my bf’s time.  She does a lot to help with nursing coordination, arranges for things like supplies, meals, etc, but it wreaks havoc on a system that seems to run smoothly.  Many of the nurses have abruptly quit when she is there, calling her a “bitch” as she tends to micromanage and criticize them relentlessly.  She expects my bf to spend about 5-6 nights a week with her while in town.  In the beginning, I found her to be very extroverted and slightly aggressive.  For example, if we would go out to dinner she would be rude to the waitstaff and demanding (i.e. complaining that the light in the restaurant is too bright and they need to turn down the lights).  When she was out of the county, we would email from time to time, always in a positive way. However, things started to get strange when she would ask what I was getting my bf for holidays/birthdays, and then suddenly, SHE would buy those particular gifts for him.  When she is in town and knows that my bf and I have plans, she asks him to spend the evening with her instead, even if she has seen him 5 times already that week.  I do suffer from depression, and my bf did confide in her about the strain this was imposing on our relationship about two years ago.  I immediately received an email from her outlining how her depression in the past was “way worse” than what I was going through and how she doesn’t understand why I am not spending every evening with them (as I was just starting antidepressants, getting out of bed every morning was a challenge to me).  I’m an introvert and fiercely ashamed about my depression, so I found this to be intrusive and somewhat of a betrayal on behalf of my bf.  Her emails would continue and finally I just stopped responding.  Also, she and my bf have had a very rocky relationship in the past-they stopped speaking for about 4-5 years previously bc she told his entire family he was gay (he is not), as well as family friends.

    I have explained this all to my bf, and he understands, to a point.  In fact, I nearly broke up with him because of this: I wanted to go to a concert (one of my favorite bands) but he refused to make plans because his sister would be in town that weekend (one of her six straight weekends in a row) and didn’t want to make plans “just in case she wanted to do something”.  I did tell him that I feel like he places her first (always, not just sometimes, as I expect to be).  He was open to the conversation, but it is still not resolved.

    She is in town currently, and I am happy to tell you that he did turn down plans with her this evening bc it is our date night.  I do go out with their family once or twice when she is in town to make an appearance.  I am always cordial.  But already, he is saying (after spending last evening with them, all day today with them), that he wants me to spend tomorrow evening with them.

    I just can’t.  She is very toxic, stirring up drama between siblings and caretakers, and my bf does get wrapped up in the drama, too.  It’s emotionally draining and I feel so much resentment towards her every time I go around her, which then in turn falls onto my bf.  I love him so much, and I would never ask him to choose between her and me, but besides keeping my mouth shut and only limiting my time with her, is there anything else I can do?

    #142193
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Trixy:

    Understandably, you have a difficult time with his sister and with her influence over your boyfriend. Reads to me that you have been practicing lots of patience regarding this significant 3 months per year issue.

    I suppose things run smoothly when she is not present because what she brings into the situation is aggression. Things can’t run smoothly when aggression is involved.

    Your boyfriend, no matter how old he is and what assertiveness he may practice in his professional life is … well, not assertive with her. Somehow during their growing up years (those Formative Years), she took on the dominant role to him (and others), and he- the submissive role to her.

    What to do?  Short term competent psychotherapy, a few sessions (maybe in the context of a couple therapy with you… I assume the sister will not be a willing participant)- where he will gain some insight into this dominant/ submissive relationship and learn some assertiveness skills to practice with her.

    If I was you, my attitude with him on the matter will be gentle. I would be as calm as I can be. His sister is disrespectful, pushy, demanding; I would be respectful, patient, always respectful of his right to make his own choices.

    The situation with his sister would be unacceptable to me, simply something very difficult to endure. I would aim toward a resolution. He has to change the dynamic.

    I don’t think there is anything at all you can do by communicating with his sister because her-way-or-the-highway MO works for her. Your only chance is to communicate with him because he may be tired at times accommodating her, he may be resentful of “having to” accommodate her. His discontent with the present (and lifetime) dynamics with her, will make his motivation to change it possible. She is not likely to be motivated.

    Your thoughts?

    anita

     

    #142195
    Anna Smith
    Participant

    Hey Trixy,

    Reading this – I have to be honest – makes me feel as if maybe you have not necessarily understood that family, no matter how irritable and annoying may be, is forever. She was in your boyfriend’s life from the very beginning, long before you. They’re lucky to be close enough and to be able to see each other several times a year (I know I don’t have this luxury with my sister). It is, to me, no wonder that he wants to spend his time with her when she is in town. That’s what she’s there for, isn’t it? To see her family?

    I understand that she may be annoying and bother you to no end – believe me, I’ve been there. But the most terrible thing you can do is come between your boyfriend and any member of his family. You issue with her is yours alone, and your boyfriend should be kept very, very far from it. When she’s in town, I’m not understanding why you would want to schedule a date night with him instead – always expect that he wants to spend time with her (as he should). You see him whenever you want – so when she’s in town, back away for that month. He won’t spend every waking moment with her, anyway. It’s just unfair if you try to impose plans and actively exclude her from them when she’s in town to be with your boyfriend and their mother.

    In my opinion, you will break up because of this unless you make some heartfelt changes of your perception of the situation. Again, your issues with her are your own, so you’re not obliged to hang out with her if you don’t want to. You can maintain whatever distance you choose to, but don’t ever bring your boyfriend into it. Even if she’s bringing him into drama and whatever else, at the end of the day that is his sister and it is his choice to become involved. Judging his sister will only push your boyfriend farther from you in the end.

    My honest advice: never speak badly about a family member to your partner unless absolutely necessary, as in, if they’ve personally insulted and hurt you maliciously. Otherwise, keep out of her business and let your boyfriend spend as much time as he wants with her when she’s in town, and let him get wrapped up in whatever drama and issues he chooses to.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Anna Smith.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Anna Smith.
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